Tag Archives: spirit

These 2 Steps in Forgiveness Will Help You Heal and Let Go For Good

Months back I was spending time with an old friend of mine.  We were hanging out with each other, catching up and just having an overall good time.

In the midst of spending time together, however, my friend had eventually said something that had really hurt me.  The words she said, the way she said it and the way she acted for the remainder of our time spent together left me offended, angry and sad.

In addition, as the night went on I had found that my old friend was following lifestyle choices that made me deeply concerned for her own well-being.

I had no idea what to say, how to say it, or even if I should say something.  And so, I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself for the duration of the time we spent together.

Days later when I was spending time with my boyfriend I told him everything.  What she said, what she was doing, and my own thoughts and feelings about the whole thing.

In response, he said, “Oh I’m sorry babe — that sucks”.

But some validation for my pain wasn’t enough for me to heal and let it go.  The pain still lingered.

I knew I needed to forgive, so I looked into my spiritual toolbox and pulled out prayer and meditation.  I started meditating and praying about it in asking for spirit to help me forgive.

I would do it for a few days and the second I felt some kind of “release” I thought I was “healed” so then I’d stop… only to find that a few days later those hurt feelings would arise again.

This cycle continued for weeks.  And since my hurt feelings were still there I’d talk to my boyfriend about it.  Words of “I can’t believe she said that” were on repeat.

And then one day in the midst of my boyfriend patiently listening to all of this, he eventually said, “Well, you can’t control her”.

I stopped and finally realized the cycle that I was really caught in:  I was caught up in a codependent cycle.

A very basic definition of codependency is when one tries to control another person in some way.  It can be seen through boundary violation either externally or internally.

This can come up externally in the wife of an alcoholic who wants her husband to stop drinking so badly that she tries to throw out all the alcohol in the house.  On the flip side, this can come up internally in a husband who doesn’t like his wife’s spending habits so he complains about her behavior all the time.  The first is a clear codependent behavior because there was an external action.  The second is not as obvious because it is internal, but the energy and feelings of wanting to control is still very present — and can still be felt by others.

Fortunately for me in this case, I wasn’t violating any boundaries externally, but the internal desire to control was certainly there — which was, truly, the reason for my deep struggle to let go and forgive.  I wasn’t fully recognizing the faults in my own behavior, so the prayer and meditation just wasn’t quite cutting it.

So how can we follow to forgive, heal, and let go for good?  Here are the two main steps:

#1 – You gotta recognize your own control patterns

Often when we’re struggling to forgive someone it’s because we wish that the other person would change in some way.  Maybe we want them to apologize to us, maybe we want them to reach out, or maybe we want them to change their lifestyle in some way so the relationship can “heal” and things can be back the way they used to be.

It doesn’t work like that.  People are not going to change on your terms.  They are going to change on their own terms.  And though it may be painful to watch sometimes, the most loving thing to do is to let go and allow the person to live, grow, and learn on their own.

PeopleChange

Click to Tweet: People are not going to change on your terms.  They are going to change on their own terms. via @jenilyn8705

#2 – Release it to spirit

Once we’ve been able to recognize our own control patterns, its effective to do some kind of prayer or meditation with the intention to forgive.  Maybe it’s a visualization meditation like my forgiveness meditation in my album Ignite Love from Within.  Or maybe it’s a simple prayer in saying something like:

Spirit of the highest truth and compassion, I’m struggling to forgive [Name] because of [situation].  I have recognized my wrongs in this.  I can see my desire to control and I know that it is no longer serving me or the relationship.  I surrender my control and my desire to forgive to you.  Heal [Name].  Heal me.  Thank you very much.  Amen.

You can tweek the words so that it most resonates with you, but doing some kind of act to surrender and release to spirit/the Universe in some way on a daily basis is what is going to help you truly heal and release your pain and resentments.

Take action now!

If you’re struggling to forgive someone right now, ask yourself: What is my control pattern in this situation?  How am I wanting to control the other person?  How am I controlling?  Share it in the comments below!

3 Lessons I’ve Learned from a Bad Breakup

It was December 26, 2011.

My bags were packed and I was ready to go.  I was sitting in my studio apartment waiting for him to text me to let me know he was here to drive me to the train station.

And I was the most nervous I had ever been in my life.

More nervous than when I got my first dorm room for college.

More nervous than taking my first 747 by myself to move halfway across the world.

More nervous than moving to a foreign country where I didn’t know any of the native language.

All because I knew that this was it.  It was officially over.

No more fights.  No more miscommunication.  No more apologies and making up over and over again.

The dust was settling and the chapter was coming to a close.

He picked me up, put my luggage in the trunk and drove me over to the train station.

As we rode over to the train station we mostly sat in silence.  What more was there to say?, I thought to myself, I had depleted my entire heart and soul trying to make this relationship work.  What could I even say at this point to make any of this better?

When we got to the train station he walked me into the station and walked with me all the way to the escalator that led to the boarding terminal.

At that point I completely broke down knowing that this was the last time I was ever going to see this person in my entire life.

I went through breakups before, but not where it completely ends with one person leaving the country.  So this situation was taking it to a whole new level for me.

We hugged and he said, “We’ll meet again someday”.

As I stood at the boarding terminal waiting for the train admiring Korea’s countryside with tears rolling down my cheeks, I knew in my head that it was over but in my heart I didn’t want to let it go.  I wanted a resolution.  I wanted to feel like there was some kind of actual “closure”.

I didn’t realize it then, but there are a few lessons that I know now that I didn’t know then…

#1 – We may never receive the closure we think we should get. 

Alright so you wrote a letter, sent a letter to him, tried to talk about it but he was totally avoidant about talking about any of his feelings, and so on but it still doesn’t feel like enough (I did all of these, by the way).

And you know why it doesn’t feel like enough?

Because deep down, secretly, we just want him to confess his love to us so then everything can work out and we can ride in the back of a carriage together into the sunset and live happily ever after.

It’s not realistic.  In fact, it’s totally insane.

Look, let’s be real here: When you were with him he showed you who he was.  He showed you his personality, his interests, and his quirks.  He was totally honest and upfront with you.  And, so, maybe he didn’t quite express his feelings to the degree that you wish he did, but there’s also another lesson you gotta remember…

#2 – We can’t force someone to change.

You can’t force a guy to express his feelings for you if he doesn’t want to.  Sure, maybe you got that sense that he has stronger feelings for you than what he’s willing to admit to (trust me, I know), but, honestly, if he’s not expressing it then he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it. 

Now that could be because he doesn’t really feel comfortable expressing his feelings to you in particular for whatever reason.  Or, it could be that he just has his own issue that he has to work on when it comes to expressing his feelings.

Either way, the bottom line is that you can’t force someone to change or do something.  In fact, men are hardwired to pull away when they are being forced to do something.  So take a deep breath and let it go, ‘cause the only person that you have the power to change is yourself.

ChangeYourself

Click to Tweet: The only person that you have the power to change is yourself. via @jenilyn8705

#3 – When we feel complete and whole within ourselves, then we can create a real and lasting relationship.

When we experience any kind of “neediness” — a need for closure, a need for him to express his feelings, and so on — it’s not because we really “need” that from the other person, but because we ourselves are not feeling whole and complete within ourselves.  Why?  Because we are not connected to spirit — the Divine, God, the Universe or whatever you want to call it.  We are lacking in our own inner connection to divine unconditional love.

Now when I say this I don’t mean that every relationship is going to work just because you’re connecting to pure divine love within yourself — but it will help you see things more clearly. 

You better know when the relationship is no longer in your highest good so it’s time to walk away.  It’s easier to forgive and let go of past wounds because you’re allowing yourself to be guided by what is in your highest good.  And you are better able to create and maintain a relationship that has more balance and is filled with the real love that you truly desire.

This is why I’ve created Ignite Love from Within: Meditations for Creating Relationships and a Life Filled with Loveto help you connect to divine love deep within yourself so that you can start creating relationships filled with love.  You can start meditating today with a free meditation from the album called Healing Blocks to Love.  Click here to get your copy!

Take action now!

What is one lesson that you have learned from a breakup?  Share it in the comments below!

It’s Time To Give Our Power Away

I’ve officially decided that it’s time to give my power away. From this point forward I am no longer making decisions for myself.

By holding on to my own power, I have caused myself too much suffering, frustration, worry, and stress. Clearly, I am just not capable of being in control of my life. Its time to stop being in charge and give my power away.

So I have decided to give my power away to spirit – all of my worries, fears, anxieties, frustrations, concerns, and stressers. I’m releasing all of this extra “gunk” that prevents me from really moving with the natural flow of life. By letting go, I can begin to really feel fulfilled right here right now.

This really hasn’t been an easy point to get to. There is and always has been a resistance. I’ve felt spirit, my inner guide, guiding me to do one thing but my mind has kept saying “no” out of fear.

My fear-based mind (or ego) has continued to terrify me to do the things that spirit has guided me to.

“But, what if I say something that others criticize me for?”

“What if my ideas are rejected?”

“What if I make a terrible error and then nobody cares what I have to say?”

“What if I run out of money, can’t make rent, and then find myself living in the street?”

My mind has come up with every crazy idea possible to prevent me from following my inner guide over and over again.

It’s ironic – I have listened to many of these irrational beliefs and I have held myself back in hopes to protect myself from attack. However, by holding myself back I have caused myself more suffering than I would have experienced had I done the very thing I felt called to do right away without all the hesitation.

We all do this. We all have something stirring in our hearts that we would love to do or create so it can become a reality. We all want to feel fulfilled and feel as if we are truly following our true life’s purpose, but we listen to our mind’s fear-based thoughts and hold back.

It’s like there’s a part of us that enjoys suffering. A part of us that likes to have something to complain or feel unsettled about. So we consistently have these self-defeating thoughts that hold us back.

“I’d love to publish my own book but I don’t have the money.”

“I’d love to start my own non-profit but I can’t give up my current job to work on this.”

“If I don’t do this extra work for my boss then it might jeopardize my relationship with him and I may not have a job.”

Our minds are always coming up with some excuse to hold us back from fully embodying what spirit has to offer us. So how can we start giving less of our power to our fear-based minds and start handing our power completely over to spirit?

Believe that we deserve what spirit is offering us.

Even though we may not recognize it right away, it all boils down to self-worth. We don’t believe that we are worthy of this amazing offering spirit is giving to us and saying “This is for you”. We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t believe that we are capable.

Well I’m here to tell you that you are capable! In fact, we all are capable. We just need to allow ourselves to completely trust and rely on what spirit is guiding us to do.

Know that when we follow spirit’s guidance, we are always supported.

Many of us have the fear that if we take that leap of faith and do whatever spirit is guiding us to do that we won’t be supported – emotionally or physically. Taking that leap of faith and really following what spirit guides us to do can make us feel as though we have to do it completely on our own, which is terrifying.

Well, I’m here to tell you that when we do follow what spirit is guiding us to do that we are supported in all ways. If we experience fear, we can pray or meditate and let that go to spirit. If we feel that we won’t earn the money we need, we can trust that spirit will come and provide us with the exact money that we need at the exact moment that we need it.

Trust in Divine timing.

Following spirit puts us into a place of the unknown. We may not know when the next opportunity will come up or when we will receive our next paycheck. We have to completely give our power away to spirit so that we can trust in things will be provided when spirit is ready. We have to be willing to put ourselves out there and really do what we are feeling called in our hearts to do without hesitation.

Know that what you’re doing is incredible.

Follow what spirit is guiding us to do is hard because typically by following our inner guidance we are called to do things that can feel pretty radical. We may be guided to do things that nobody else has really done before, which can make the process very unpredictable and scary.

When these fears come up, stop and put this into perspective. I mean, how many people in this world have truly given their power over to spirit and are truly following spirit’s guidance? Not many. Someone has to start the new road and its very exciting and incredible that you are being guided down this path! Believe that. Know that.

GivingInToSpirit

Its time to really give our power away to to trust what spirit guiding us to do. It’s incredible, its exciting and you deserve it!

Start giving in to your higher power!

How have you been holding yourself back?  What are you fear based thoughts that are preventing you from moving forward?  What can you start doing TODAY to help you let go of your own power and start acting in alignment with your higher power?

Share your thoughts below!