Tag Archives: self-worth

The Key to Stepping into Your True Purpose 

Whether you’re fully aware of it right now or not, I know that you have a Divine purpose to serve this world in a big way.  That purpose is in perfect alignment with you and your gifts so that you can serve others to the best of your ability.

We all have our own purpose… and it is in perfect alignment with what our own unique gifts are.  They are all beautiful and magnificent in their own unique way. 

However, if you’re anything like me, then you’ve experienced doubt.  Maybe you’ve felt the call to grab an idea and make it a reality but your mind has come in with thoughts like…

… I don’t have enough money to do this.

… I don’t have enough time to do this.

… I’m not capable of doing this.

… I don’t have enough education to do this.

nobody is going to like my work.

… I’ll just be judged and criticized for my work.

… I’ll be a failure.

… I’ll never be able to make money doing it.

… other people have done it already.

… other people are better than me.

… I’m not good enough.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you are good enough.  You’re not serving anyone by playing small and staying locked up in fear.

This is one of the many lessons I’ve learned through my friend, mentor, and New York Times Bestselling Author Gabrielle Bernstein.  Gabby has been a life coach and motivational speaker for over a decade and she is committed to guiding us through what blocks us from truly stepping into our life’s purpose. 

For the next couple weeks, Gabby’s sharing 3 free videos that I thought would be extremely beneficial to you.  The material in these videos will help you clear the blocks to your confidence and give you the direction you need so that you can act right now.

There are a few common blocks that hold us back from truly and fully stepping into our true power and Gabby covers them in these 3 videos.

In this first video, she tackles the issue of confidence!  In this video, Gabby will teach you how to gain confidence so you can rise up, live in your true purpose and own your authentic voice.

She shares her own personal story of how she became a speaker, author and public figure with zero past experience or degree.  She also shares the 3 steps that helped her embrace her own power so she could step into her Divine purpose.

Through this video, you’ll be able to gain the confidence that you need to share your own transformational story in your own way so that you can truly serve others and the world.

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Click here to watch the FREE video!

Much love to you,

Jennifer

 

P.S.  I’m a proud affiliate of Gabrielle Bernstein’s Spirit Junkie Masterclass digital training.  I deeply believe in her work and this program.  I may earn a referral fee if you sign up for the program from my recommendation.  https://xh111.isrefer.com/go/sjmvid1/jenilyn8705

3 Keys to Manifesting a Healthy and Loving Relationship

We all want a healthy and loving relationship.  You know, a relationship filled with compassion, affection, and acceptance.  A relationship where there is respect.

Whether you are single or not, the desire, to some degree, is likely there.  Unfortunately for many of us, even if we are married or in a relationship we can find ourselves wishing that the relationship was different in some ways.  We may feel that the “spark” has gone away and we wish we could find it again. 

Fortunately, regardless of our relationship status, we can give our relationships a “tune up” when we stop to look within ourselves and consciously choose to make some inner shifts.  Here are 3 keys to manifesting a healthy and loving relationship in your life:

#1 – Have an amazing relationship with yourself

If you hate being alone and you’re self-worth is determined by how active your social life is, then you’re going to be giving off a “I need you to validate my self-worth” kind of vibe when out on a date.  If, on the other hand, you enjoy spending time with yourself and feel totally comfortable in your own shoes, then you’re going to be giving off a “I feel comfortable with myself” kind of vibe.

Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that if you do hate being alone and have a low self-worth that you’re not going to find a boyfriend.  The truth is that you probably would.  However, there would be one big problem: The guy has equally as low of a self-worth as you.  Which, would then create a relationship where both people need the other person to validate their own self-worth.

It’s a foundation built on sand — and it’s certainly not where one wants to be if they truly want a healthy and loving relationship.

So get comfortable in your own shoes.  Spend time with yourself.  Take yourself on dates.  Go to the movies, go to dinner or take a mini-vacation with yourself. 

Treat your body well by exercising and eating healthy.  Do activities that you enjoy doing.  Give yourself things that you know you need.

When we become masters of our own self-care, we are giving ourselves the love that we truly deserve.  So focus on doing amazing things for you, so you can have a great relationship with yourself.  It will help in manifesting that healthy and loving relationship you desire.

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Click to Tweet: When we become masters of our own self-care, we are giving ourselves the love that we truly deserve. via @jenilyn8705

#2 – Believe that you deserve it

Many of us want a healthy and loving relationship, but, deep down, we don’t believe that we truly deserve it.  Or, we may even think that it’s not possible for us.  Unfortunately, this prevents us from making any kind of progress in getting that loving relationship.

So if you find yourself struggling to believe that you truly deserve it, make a commitment to reframing that mindset.

One way to do this is by saying affirmations.  Every morning or night you can spend some time standing in front of the mirror and stating out loud, “I deserve a healthy and loving relationship”.  Say this 10 times in the morning and 10 times at night for at least 30 days.  You may not notice the shifts right away, but over time you’ll notice a shift.

#3 – Ditch the checklist and, instead, connect with how you want to feel

We all hold expectations.  If you’re single and dating, it may be an expectation that the person you date has a nice car and isn’t working in retail.  If you’re in a relationship, the expectation may be that you want your guy to clean the dishes after he uses them.

When we get ourselves caught up in such expectations it’s like we are creating for ourselves an internal “checklist”.  We have a list in our minds of things that we want and “need” in order to be happy and fulfilled in the relationship.

Unfortunately, these “checklists” take us out of the experience.  It takes us out of what is happening in the moment in your relationship with this other person and, instead, focused on what the person is or isn’t doing.  It’s a way of rating or judging the moment, which blocks us from truly connecting with the other person and experiencing love.

So the key here is that rather than focus on the “checklist” or expectations, we must focus on how it is that we want to feel in the relationship.  Do you want to feel love in your relationship to this other person?  Joy?  Happiness?  A sense of calm?  A place of comfort in their presence?  How do you want to feel in being in the relationship?

When we focus on how it is that we want to feel rather than on the surface-level details, we can find that what we thought we needed, we don’t really “need” after all.  We realize that the “needs” were all arbitrary — and they weren’t helping us get what we truly wanted, which is love.  Rather, they blocked it.

So let go of your “checklist” of expectations and sit back and ask yourself: How do I want to feel?  And then connect to that feeling.  Feel it within your own being and carry it with you throughout the day.  And, eventually, your relationships will start to reflect your internal state.

Take action now!

In the comments below, share with me how you want to feel in your relationship.  Or, if you’re not in a relationship now, share with me how you desire to feel.

Are You Settling For Less Than You Deserve?

Are you currently working at a job where you feel like your boss doesn’t really appreciate you?  Are you always doing favors for them but feel like you’re hardly getting what you give back in return?  Have you been working there several years but have hardly gotten any pay raise?

Or how about this… Are you currently dating someone who you feel doesn’t really “see” you?  Do you feel like the two of you don’t quite meet as eye-to-eye as you feel you should?  Do you feel like they don’t really value you and what you do as much as you would like your partner to?

Or how about… Are you always just barely getting by financially?  Are you always settling for a less-than-stellar pay from either your clients or your employer?  Are you always just settling for “anything you can get” rather than setting a high standard for yourself cause you know you’ve done enough work to deserve it?

If you relate to any of these above, then you’ve got a bad case of “struggling with settling for less than you deserve”.  We’ve probably all related to this to at least some extent at some point in our lives.  In fact, I know that I can tell you openly and honestly right now that I have related to all three of those scenarios in some way at some point in my life.

We all tend to catch this bad case of “struggling for less than you deserve” at some point or another.  And, honestly, it’s a hard bug to beat.  Our minds like to play tricks on us.  Our minds like to go into overdrive with thoughts like:

“I need to settle with this job even though I hate my employer because otherwise I won’t be able to financially support myself”

“I need to stay in this less-than-satisfying relationship cause I fear losing the security that this relationship brings.  I fear having to go out and date again.”

“I fear making more money because then family and friends might judge me and consider me to be a ‘rich snob’ since they have always told me that rich people are bad and greedy.”

The problem with all these thoughts is that they are just thoughts based on fear.  They are limiting.  They are debilitating to our being.  They hold us back from really truly following the calling of our soul; To live a life filled with all the joy, love, and fulfillment that we have ever dreamed of experiencing.

So how can we end this pattern?  How can we stop settling for less than what we know we deserve and give ourselves exactly what we know we really truly do deserve?  Here are 5 steps.  Get out a sheet of paper or journal to write out your answers to each of the steps below.

Step 1: Identify an area of your life where you have been settling for less than you deserve.

Is it financially or relationally?  Is it in your career or is it in your eating and exercise habits?

Identify just one area to focus on clearing first because identifying several at one time can be overwhelming and confusing and, therefore, less effective.  So identify how you have been setting for less in an area of your life and recognize how you have been settling for less.  So, for instance: Have you been taking on some clients that you probably shouldn’t have because they drain a lot of your time and energy?  Do you find yourself always putting up with bad employers?  Do you find yourself always dating people who are (somehow) on a different life path than you are?

Step 2:  Recognize and acknowledge that you do want instead.

Many times we can know what it is that we are unhappy or unsatisfied with but we may not really fully know what it is that we want instead because we are so disconnected from it due to our fear.

So ask yourself: What would I like instead?  And don’t worry about being 100% sure about it.  Just take a guess at first that might seem kind of radical in a way.  Such as: I would like a job where I can earn $500,000 a year, or I would like to be dating a guy who is as spiritual as me and shares my passion for travel.

Just write down whatever you feel you might like.  Even if in your head you notice thoughts come up of “Oh that’s too much” or “I don’t think I really need that”.  Just go along with the fairly radical desire in order to reflect and notice what comes up for you.

Step 3: Imagine that you have received what you want instead and recognize your reactions to the change.

Ask yourself the following questions:

– How does that make me feel?  Notice any feelings that come up.  Recognize the initial thought that comes up in reaction to potentially receiving this thing that you want instead — that higher income, that pay raise, that amazing employer or boyfriend, that feeling of higher energy and more in-control of your health, or whatever. Write down all thoughts and feelings that come up as a reaction to potentially receiving what you really desire.

– How will this effect the quality of my life?  How will having this one shift change your life?  How will you feel once you experience this change?  Write down your thoughts.

– Do you have any fears about how this will change you and your life?  Are there fears about how people will think about you?  Are there certain groups of people you feel like you will no longer be able to relate to after this change?

– Would you rather people know or not know about this change?  Do you feel the need to hide your change from others or not?

Step 4: Create a battle plan!

In order to make this happen in your life, what do you need to do?  Do you need to quit your job and get a new one?  Do you need to ask for a pay raise?  Do you need to change your rates?  Do you need to hang out with new kinds of people?  Do you need to hang out at new places to find a partner that is more on your life path?  Do you need to create a diet plan?  Try to visualize in your mind’s eye how that change will unfold in your life.  Write down whatever you foresee and whatever feels “right” to you in how you can take action right now.

Step 5: Take action!

Seriously: We can reflect, ask questions, and create plans for change all we want but if we don’t actually do it then we will never experience the change in our lives that we desire to experience.  So whatever plans you made for yourself, write it in your calendar.  Take the time today to do something that involves beginning to implement your plan.

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Take action now!

Answer the questions above for yourself (if you haven’t already!) and then in the comments below, share what you will do today in order to move forward in the plans you wrote down to create lasting change in an area of your life.

Overcoming Our Inner Resistance

I spent my weekend indulging in some serious self-care through creative expression practice. Friday night I dusted off my art supplies and did some watercolor painting with a friend. On Saturday I created a Christmas centerpiece for my dinner table.

This was the first time I watercolor painted in nearly a year and it’s been even longer since I have done a flower arrangement. Because of this, I had a lot of self-defeating thoughts like “I don’t know if I can do this” “What if I mess this up?” “Is this okay?”

This process was intensified because not only had it been a year since I’ve painted but it was also the first time that I was painting without my art teacher there to guide me. I was filled with anxiety and worry. Even the simple process of drawing took me over an hour simply because I was so worried about everything being “just right”.

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Many of us experience this all the time when we are creating anything. Whether it be writing a paper for school, doing yoga, or writing a song we experience this inner resistance that has this hidden underlying message of “you are not good enough”.

Steven Pressfield discusses this resistance in great detail in his book “The War of Art”. In this book, Pressfield shares the many ways that resistance manifests in our lives. Rather than create what our hearts’ truly desire, we allow our inner resistance to take over. We can experience this resistance by turning to things like procrastination, watching TV, drinking and drugs, sex, medications, the limiting beliefs of our culture, and so on.

We turn to these various things in our outer world in order to, basically, avoid creating and doing what we truly want because, deep down, we feel unworthy and incapable.

Resistance can be a very difficult thing to overcome and there is certainly no “one time” solution. Though we may not want to hear it, conquering resistance is a life-long process. No matter how many degrees, certifications, and credentials you have there is always going to be something within you coming up and saying “that’s not good enough”.

So how can we begin to overcome this inner resistance of ours so that we allow ourselves to create so we can experience fulfillment and happiness?

Create something every day.

Many of us have ideas or goals of things that we would like to do or create but the trouble is that many of these ideas are long term. It’s something like “Well, once I do X, Y, Z then I’d like to do this”. By making such long-term goals it doesn’t help to satisfy you in the present. In fact, it may actually cause you more stress and dissatisfaction because you have to wait to get there.

So come up with some easy activities that you can do for yourself today. It may be in line with your bigger long term goal or it may not, but do something!

Recognize how your resistance manifests itself.

Do you procrastinate? Do you turn on the TV rather than write your book? Do you study or read more than write your own ideas? Do you spend more time shopping or drinking rather than doing something that you really truly enjoy? Notice what your inner resistance is like and write it down in a journal. Then try to make a conscious effort in your day to day life to catch yourself when you feel inclined to resist creating.

Set a specific time frame to create.

Whatever it is that you want to do – write, paint, knit, decorate, or prepare to put together a project – set a specific time frame to work on that activity. Cur yourself off from any possible distractions, set a timer and then work on the activity or project without stopping. Having a specific time set can be very effective in making sure that you get done what you really want to get done.

Focus more on what you’re gaining from the process and less on the mess ups.

Because we are so inclined to resistance, we tend to focus more on our little mess ups and less on how great it is for us to be creating to begin with. Sure, it’s good to critique so that you can become better, but be patient and easy yourself. If it’s something you can edit, then take your time reflecting on it and make sure it “feels” right to you. If not, then appreciate what you’ve gained from the activity and focus on the next thing.

Know that you are worthy.

We are all worthy. We are all capable. Like Marianne Williamson said, “It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us most”. Focus on allowing that light to emerge. The more you do that, then the happier and more fulfilled you will be.

LetYourselfFly

 

Start Overcoming Your Inner Resistance!

How do you stop yourself from creating or doing something that you really want to do?  What are some of your resistance habits?  Do you just go watch TV or go shopping?  Share your thoughts and experiences below!

What Every People Pleaser Needs to Realize About Themselves

A few weeks ago I was going through a bit of a rough patch. I was sad and upset over some recent events that had taken place in my personal life. To make matters worse, I also had finals due that same week so I easily felt overwhelmed and stressed by everything thrown at me at once.

One course that I’m taking for my grad program is a group process course, where we basically practice and learn about the group therapy dynamic. Each class begins with an hour of the therapy session or “processing” and then the second half is focused on theory and discussion about those theories.

Since I was going through this rough patch, I brought it up to the group to process what I was going through. I shared the story and explained my frustrations.

Hours and days after class when I was reflecting upon that sharing I finally asked myself: Who was I sharing this for? Me or them? Naturally, when it comes to any sort of therapy one would assume that the person who is sharing their story or their own healing. They want to experience some sort to relief. This is why many people cry when they are sharing a painful event. It helps them to release all those painful emotions so they can let go and move forward.

Well, the thing is… I actually didn’t cry. In fact, when I BEGAN to cry I stopped cause my throat started closing up, got re-centered, and began talking again. My inner critic came up and said “No, you can’t cry here because if you cry then you can’t talk!  You NEED to be able to talk so that you can explain your story to everyone.”

I habitually did the exact thing that so many of us people pleasers do:

In our own moments of suffering, we focus on the well-being of other people rather than ourselves.

How crazy is that?! I AM the one that was going through all these sad emotions and what do I do? I shift my focus to other people’s feelings and act accordingly to what I sense from them.

It’s such a people pleaser thing to do!

So what can we do about it, you ask? Well, there are a few things…

Be aware.

Awareness is the single most important step and the more you challenge yourself to be aware of it the better. Like, we can MENTALLY know and understand our own dynamic but when we challenge ourselves to pay close attention to that dynamic unfolding in the moment it can light-up our eyes in a way nothing else can.

Next time you are associating with a group of people focus on things like: Am I focusing more on this other person or me? What am I feeling right now? Hint: If you don’t know what you are feeling in that moment, then you’re more than likely focused on the people around you.

Focus on “here”.

There was an activity that I did a few weeks ago at a relationship workshop where we were asked to sit with a person and focus on “here” (you yourself are right now), “near” (the other person), and far (the other people, things, and places around you). More than likely, one is going to be MUCH more difficult than the others.  If you’re a people pleaser, chances are the “here” might be the most difficult.

So next time you are associating with someone, in a group, or simply just around people on the street try to focus on where you are. Also try to notice in that situations are more difficult than others.

Do you easily focus on other people when at the grocery store or is it only more difficult when you are talking to someone? Make a mental note of which is easier and which is harder for you.

Focus on your body.

Even if you can’t quite get the first two, don’t fret because this one is the easiest way to help shift your focus back on YOU and YOUR needs! The trick? Focus on your body.

For many of us, this can be very difficult in the beginning because our society has us so focus on our heads. We sit in front of a computer or spreadsheet all day and most of us rarely ever focus on “How does my body feel?”

Well, the great thing about focusing on the body is that not only does it tell us how the body feels health-wise but it also helps us to be more aware of our emotions. We can focus more on OURSELVES rather than other people.

So rather than doing a meditation to help calm yourself down or get re-centered when you’re around people or after you’ve been around many people, a much more grounded approach can be to simply focus on how you feel in the body. Is there tension? Do you feel jittery? Do you feel open? What emotions do you feel are correlated to these body sensations?

If you are never quite sure what you are feeling emotionally, the body can be a gateway to discover exactly what emotions are lingering around.

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Begin to focus more on YOU today!

Stop for a moment and focus on your body. How do you feel? Is there any tension or pain? What emotions are associated with that?

Then focus on how you feel when other people are around. When you’re in a group, take the time to stop and focus on yourself. What am I feeling in this moment? What do I need?

Share your own experiences and what you are planning to work on below!

The Single Biggest Mindset Shift To Lead You to Personal Empowerment

I have a of a story for you.

A few years back while I was studying for my undergrad I went through a pretty rough patch. I was going through a break-up that wasn’t ending and finishing as quickly and smoothly as it should have, which left me pretty depressed and feeling used and hopeless.  To make matters worse, I also began to experience roommate issues and some drama with other classmates.

For nearly a year, I felt like the universe was attacking me and I just wasn’t getting a break. I sought out advice from other friends but I felt even more frustrated. I felt that they didn’t really understand me. I went to a therapist… actually, I tried out several different therapists – and I never felt any of them told me exactly what I truly needed to hear… just a bunch of bogus “you should do this” jibber jabber.

I was very frustrated and didn’t feel supported at all. During that time I was talking to a friend and I made the comment that I felt like nobody could actually give me better advice and guidance than what I could give myself. This person said that was pretty arrogant to say. Needless to say, this comment caused me to shut down EVEN MORE. The result was that now NOT ONLY did I feel misunderstood by everyone around me (including professionals who I went to for help) but I also felt like I shouldn’t even listen to and take my own advice and guidance.

Looking back on this now, I can perfectly see why I eventually felt like I “lost” myself in this process of becoming an adult. I mean, come on, someone just told me NOT to listen to myself because it’s “arrogant”.

Well, I’m here to say today with absolutely no doubt that it is NOT arrogant to not listen to other people and listen to your own inner guidance. We ourselves know so much more about ourselves than ANYONE else can. This is not to say that we should never take anyone else’s advice or go to them for advice. However, rather than simply hand over all of your own inner power to someone else and completely take all of their advice without question, when someone gives us advice we should ask ourselves “How do I feel about this? Do I feel this is the best decision for me?” then ask yourself “If I were best friends with myself, what would I tell myself in this situation?” and then compare and weigh the suggestions.

The truth is that even though everyone is doing the best they can based on where they are in their own development, people can only help you to the degree in which they’ve helped themselves. And even then, you are NOT the same person. We are all very unique individuals with different strengths, weaknesses, needs, wants, dreams, talents, and purpose. We all have our own individual things to learn and work on. Even though one method may work for one person does NOT mean it works for everyone. The challenge is deciding and discovering what works best for YOU.

Personal Empowerment

That’s Tweetable! Click to Tweet: “It is NOT arrogant to not listen to other people and trust my own inner guidance. I’m competent in knowing what I need!” @jenilyn8705

THAT, my friends, is the single big mindset shift to lead you towards personal empowerment. You yourself are in control of your life. You yourself are 100% competent in knowing what it is that you should do or what you should work on at this point in your life. Nobody else can do that for you. Everyone else is here to help give you suggestions, support you, and give you some guidance along the way.

Take Action to Feel Empowered Today!

Think of a situation that you are struggling with right now. If you were a friend to yourself, what advice would you give yourself in this situation? What types of things do you feel, deep down, you need to work through to help you in your journey? It may be to start a new routine for yourself, finding a different professional to help you, or starting a new project.

What do YOU want to start doing for yourself?  Share your thoughts, stories, questions, or comments below!

How to Survive a Guilt Trip

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Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominici / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So you tell your boss, but there’s a little problem.  Rather than accept your decision, he responds with “Are you sure you want to do that?  The economy is pretty bad and you’ll probably be let go.”

You’re bothered, annoyed, second guessing yourself and feeling a bit guilty, but your still pretty set on your decision.  You decide to go tell more people because you figure “maybe if I just tell more people then it’ll make the decision more real and I can feel more confident in it.”  So you go home and call you mom, but her response isn’t at all what you hoped for.  “What?!  You’re really going to leave me all alone aren’t you?” she says, “It’s hard enough for me living by myself.  If you really loved me then you wouldn’t take a job so far away from me.”

Congratulations.  You have just reached the territory of guilt trip mania.  At this point, you’re probably stressed, second guessing yourself, wanting to scream, rip your hair out or have one too many drinks.

Well, before you do that stop and hear me out. I’m here to tell you there is a way to survive a guilt trip.  It may not be easy at first, but with some hard work and awareness of what’s going on, you can get through this just fine.  Here are some things to keep in mind to overcome a guilt trip.

Know why this person is doing this.

Why would someone guilt trip you?  Why would your boss have a problem with you taking another job?  Though if you asked your boss why, he may give you several reasons.  However, ultimately there is only one reason and one reason only why someone would guilt trip you: They are insecure.  For your boss, it may be that he is worried about finding someone to replace you.  For your mom, it may be that she simply fears being apart from you.  She may be depending on you for her own happiness rather than taking responsibility in her life.

Realize that nothing they said is actually true.

 Is it true that you don’t love your mom because you are taking a job farther away?  No, because your decisions don’t determine whether you love her or not.  Only you can really know if you love her or not.  Is it true that you’ll be laid-off from your new job?  Nobody can know what will happen, especially your current boss… unless he’s psychic and even if he was psychic I’d say go look for another opinion.  Life is full of risks — it’s unavoidable.  Better to jump by following your heart than to never know what could’ve been.

Take care of yourself.

Breathe.  Do yoga.  Meditate.  Exercise.  Get a massage.  Talk to a supportive friend.  Set up an appointment with a therapist, coach, or mentor.  Do whatever you need to do in order to give yourself the care you need and deserve so your not overwhelmed from the guilt trip.  Maybe it involves doing a little getaway hike or camping in nature.  The goal is to really focus on YOU and nobody else.  People who guilt trip want you to shift your energy completely over to them and for you stop taking care of you. They’re hungry for someone else to give them the satisfaction they haven’t been giving themselves, so don’t give them what they want because it will only teach them to keep acting that way.  Break away and focus on you.

Focus on what YOU want.

What is it that you want to do for yourself?  What is the decision that excites you the most when you think about doing it?  What inspires you and makes you feel most free?  Put your focus completely on that dream.  Know that you deserve to have it become a reality.  And know that to do things to make that dream come true is everything BUT selfish — it’s genuine, it’s true, it’s love.

 

Overcome a Guilt Trip!

Ask yourself:

Why did this person guilt trip me?

How are their statements not true?

How can I best take care of myself during this time?

Why am I doing this?  What is my goal or dream in this decision?

You Might Be a People Pleaser If…

Have you been debating if you’re a people pleaser? Are you confused which of your traits are people pleaser traits and which are not? Do you want to know what defines a people pleaser?

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Nearly everyone has been a people pleaser are some point or another. We have all done something at some point with the hope keep someone else happy and avoid our own true nature. Learning to completely stop being a people pleaser is a long journey, but it is possible!  The biggest obstacle starting out is to understand what a people pleaser is well enough to catch ourselves in the act so that we stop doing it.

So what is the basis of every people pleaser trait?  Simply…

Any moment where you rely on another person to determine your own self-worth and happiness.

With this in mind, I have created this list of people pleaser characteristics. This is list is very long and provides a wide variety of possibilities.  You may only identify a few characteristics or you may find several. You may read some and think “Oh I did that back when I was…”, while others we may not identify with at all. You may feel shaken up or confused by some.  This is PERFECTLY OKAY, because whether you relate or understand all of them, it doesn’t matter. What matters is to be able to identify our people pleaser traits when they arises for us. After all, awareness the first step to become a recovering people pleaser!

Before you begin going through the list I want you to be GENTLE and EASY on yourself.  EVERYONE has experienced at least some of these at some point or another.  We’re all in this together!

You might be a people pleaser if…

  • You enters relationships with the thought of “Will they accept me?” rather than “Does this relationship give me what I truly deserve?”

  • You say “yes” when you truly mean to say “no”.

  • You greatly fear being alone and easily feel lonely when alone.

  • You are more focused on what you “should do” rather than what you truly want to do.

  • You worry about hurting other people’s feelings.

  • You feel unfulfilled in relationships.

  • You are very focused on trying to be “perfect”, according to what you believe is “perfect”.

  • You fear exposing your own faults and mistakes to others.

  • You naturally follow along with stereotypes or social and cultural expectations in order to feel accepted and avoid rejection.

  • You have trouble expressing your own feelings that differ from others.

  • You have trouble expressing your own views and opinions that differ from others.

  • You feel responsible for the happiness and well-being of others.

  • You focus more on other’s needs than their own.

  • You feel drained and worn out from trying to take care of everyone else.

  • You ignore your own feelings in hopes to avoid conflict or make someone else happy.

  • You feel like other people never consider your own feelings and needs.

  • You struggle to make decisions because you are so focused on how other people will react.

  • You feel guilty if you do something for yourself.

  • You hold back from true self-expression because you fear being criticized.

  • You have difficulty listening to and acting on your own intuition.

  • You often feel like you are always “giving” but hardly “receiving”.

  • You are scared of “stepping out of the box” in your career, fashion sense, or lifestyle because you fear judgement.

  • You have a mean inner critic (and, because of it, you may be critical of others as well).

  • You have difficulty accepting compliments.

  • You struggle to establish real intimacy due to a great fear of rejection and shame.

  • You are very unaware of your own emotions, but may be very in-tune with the emotions of others.

  • You have difficulty knowing where “someone ends and you begin” or, in other words, you struggle with boundaries.

  • You feel like you easily get “lost” in other people.

  • You may feel the need to provide and control everything in a relationship.

  • You secretly wish you could do other things, but you don’t because you either feel that others need you to survive or fear being rejected and abandoned.

  • You often feel suffocated or trapped.

  • You secretly wish you had deeper, more fulfilling, connections with people.

  • You are terrified of being called selfish and will do anything to avoid hearing it.

  • You rarely ask others for help or accept help from others.

  • You apologize too much or when apologies are truly not necessary.

  • You constantly seek validation and approval from others.

  • You try to avoid conflict at all costs.

  • You struggle to truly believe in your own abilities.

  • You feel you have to “save”, “rescue” or “be the foundation” for other people.

  • You continue to be a “giver” because you believe that one day someone is going to magically come into your life and make everything all better.
  • You struggle with self-care.

  • You struggle to decide what your own dreams, goals and purpose are in life.

  • You tend to either agree when you truly don’t or you have difficulty accepting it if someone has a different view or opinion.

  • You easily take on other people’s pain, fear, or negativity.

  • You spend more time thinking about other people and relationships than yourself.

  • You deeply question your own feelings and views because you are not sure whether they are “acceptable” or not.

  • You feel the need to convince other people of your belief or feeling in hopes to gain validation.

  • You act out of a mindset that others are “competition” and limited resources rather than a mindset of limitless abundance.

  • You struggle to take full control and responsibility of your life.
  • You believe and feel that there isn’t enough for you in the world to do what you truly want to do.

  • You have difficulty believing that you deserve what you truly deserve.

  • You fail to realize that you already have all that you need to experience happiness and love.

 

Begin your journey to fulfilling relationships and personal empowerment today!

What are your people pleasing traits?  How are these traits preventing you from having fulfilling relationships?  How are these traits preventing you from feeling empowered?

5 Practical Steps to Living a Happier Life

Happier Life
Image courtesy of Danilo Ruzzuti/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

As humans, we are creatures of habit and many of our daily habits separate us from achieving a happier life. If we change our habits, we can improve our level of happiness. Here are 5 simple steps that we can integrate into our lives on a daily basis to live a happier life and to feel more emotionally satisfied.

Never complain without a reason.

We all have our stressful days and many times we simply need someone to vent our struggles and to have someone empathize. The trouble is that if we complain too much we place ourselves in this self-defeating cycle of negativity, which not only negatively affects our mood but can also drain the energy of our loved ones. So rather than complain for the sake of complaining, make this new pact for yourself: “I will only voice a complaint only to seek methods to improve the situation.” Changing your way of thinking in this way will not only minimize the negative energy you give out, but it also influences you to be more proactive, you feel a greater self of power within yourself knowing that you can change the outcome. So next time you voice a complaint, be sure that you are asking for advice and support in how to make this situation better… and, gradually, you’ll start to create a happier life for yourself.

Instead of thinking “This is what I don’t have”, think “This is what I do have”.

This simple shift in thinking shifts your thinking from scarcity to prosperity. When you focus on all the good things you do have, you become more grateful and positive about life.  In other words, if you focus on the idea of “I can never live a happier life” then how can you ever actually live a happier life?  You make that little mindset shift.  Once you do, you begin to find joy in the little things like your morning cup of coffee or the wonderful convenience that the internet and cell phones provide us.  You may begin to find joy in the sound of birds chirping in the morning or the creative wonder that movies can provide.  When you find gratitude, love and joy in the little things in life, it’s nearly impossible to NOT be happy!

Stop depending on others for your own happiness.

This can be a tricky one for many people because, as a society, this has become a bad habit for many of us. The reason this doesn’t work is because when you hold expectations for how others should please you, then people will often times fall short. Holding expectations doesn’t allow others to be who they are at that point in time, but rather how YOU think they should be. And the irony is: When you rely on other people for your happiness then you prevent yourself from living a happier life because, in doing so, you are not allowing yourself to fully be you.  In other words, how can you really make yourself happier when you’re constantly focused on other people?  It just doesn’t work.  Take care of yourself!  Eat healthy foods, exercise, give yourself a nice bubble bath, take a short vacation by yourself, start a new craft or hobby (not matter how off-the-wall it may be), write a book, take a dance class — all of these things and more can help you emotionally recharge your batteries and feel a greater sense of self-empowerment without depending on someone else to do that for you.  The second you focus on how to create a happier life FOR YOU rather than by relying on other people or worrying about whether other people are happy… then you’re already there.

P.S.  Are you a female who REALLY struggles with this?  If so, check out the various ways you can Work With Me.

Surround yourself with people who give genuine unconditional support and who accept and appreciate you as you are.

This can be, perhaps, the trickiest one for people but it is possible. If you hold on to people who don’t support you and never seek the support you deserve, then you stay in this self-defeating cycle that prevents you from living a happier life. Only you can find that support for yourself. If you can’t find any in your current circle or local area, then look online. Search for meet-up groups or online communities.  The best part of the internet is that we can all easily connect to anyone in the world with a click of a button. Seek out forums, groups, and websites of those with hobbies and interests similar to yours. Eventually, with some diligence and patience that support will come around.

KNOW that you deserve the best!

As I said before, don’t settle for anything less that you deserve. To live a happier life, you need to know that you deserve love, appreciation, support, and acceptance for who you are. You are a wonderful human being! If you know that and fully believe that, then the more positive things will come to you. What you believe on the inside is what exists on the outside, so if at any time you feel a lack then give yourself some more internal pep-talks about how great of a person you are.

The time to take action is RIGHT NOW!

So where do you feel you need the biggest mindset shift?  What can you start doing TODAY to start living a happier life?  Share below!