Tag Archives: relationship issues

How to Know When It’s Possibly Time to Get a Divorce

Deciding whether or not to get a divorce is hardly something to be taken lightly. Overall, I do generally think that relationship issues can and should be worked out before making the decision to separate and do any filings.

However, there is mostly one absolute “deal breaker” where I think it’s necessary to get a divorce if this is present and that is abuse. Any physical or sexual abuse towards either you or any child is, in my mind, an absolute “no I’m done with this”. Nobody deserves to be in an abusive relationship, so if that is going on then it is worth getting away as quickly as possible.

Now, if your marriage doesn’t involve any kind of abuse and you’re contemplating a divorce, then this takes more introspection. The following are some potential reasons to consider getting a divorce:

#1 – One or both people refuse to try.

Maybe one person has wanted to talk about issues or attend couples counseling, but the other person refuses to do these things. They don’t want to talk about it and they don’t want to work at it.

When you’re in this place, it makes it really hard to improve any of the conditions. Every relationship requires a team effort. If the two of you are unable to find a way to work together then it doesn’t leave much room for relationship success.

#2 – There’s a disagreement on whether to have children or not.

If one of you really wants kids and the other one really doesn’t, it may be a sure sign to get a divorce. Here’s the fact of the matter: Deciding whether or not to bring children into the equation is a big step. It’s

Having children requires a lot of time and energy and for someone who may not even want kids, it’s not fair to give them something they didn’t really want in the first place. That being said, it is also not fair to not give children to someone who really does genuinely want them. So if the two of you aren’t in the same place when it comes to having children, then it may be time to go your separate ways.

#3 – Someone cheats… a lot.

If one partner is or was cheating and it continues to happen then this may be a sign that a divorce is in order. In order for a marriage to work, the two of you both need to have the same wants in the relationship. It can’t work out if one of you wants to be monogamous while the other prefers to have more open relationships.

Ultimately, I think one of the most crucial questions to ask yourself and meditate on is this: When I envision our future together, do I see us moving in the same direction or not?

Can you foresee the two of you working together as a team? Can you foresee the two of you maintaining a mutual level of respect and love for one another? Do you both want the same, or similar, things in life?

ImproveQualityRelationships

Click to Tweet: In order to improve the quality of our relationships, both people have to be willing to work together. via @jenilyn8705

Relationships are complex and there are a lot of variables at play, so there isn’t really a specific “checklist” to help you determine whether to get a divorce or not. It all boils down to whether or not you are willing to work at it and if the other person is willing to work at it with you. Without a mutual willingness, there is not a lot that can happen to improve the quality of the relationship.

The Hidden Reason Why Your Relationship May Be Struggling

Maybe you’ve been arguing a bit more than usual or you’ve noticed your partner, family member, or friend has been a bit more on the “grumpy” side.

Because things had been going so well, you’re a bit puzzled as to what has brought all this on.  Maybe you’ve tried to talk with them about it but what they have said doesn’t really give the answers and insight you were looking for.  There explanations seem a bit vague and they haven’t really told you directly what they want from you.

When we find ourselves in moments like this it can be quite frustrating.  We want to help the other person, but the information we have been given doesn’t really help us do that.

In these moments, we can begin to really question things.  We may feel trapped and powerless over improving anything.

Fortunately, there is something that you can do even in these situations where the person doesn’t really tell you how you can help them.  It is one of these hidden reasons that we may not always think of or realize unless we choose to really sit back and focus on the big picture.

The reason?

It may have to do with what you are bringing into the relationship.

So what do I mean by this?  What I mean is the kind of energy are you bringing into your interactions with this person.  Are you coming home from work and venting every day to them about a specific co-worker?  Are you calling them in the evenings and complaining about this “stupid” thing that your roommate did?

I don’t even mean that you necessarily have to be doing it all the time but are you doing it at all?  If you realize that you do have moments where you are really venting to your partner, friend, family member, or whoever, sit back and ask yourself: How do they react to your moments of “venting”? Does their energy change in some way?  Do they seem to remain peaceful and calm or do they seem to “tense up” and get stressed by your venting?

We are all constantly being affected by one another’s energy.

If one person is having a bad day, then their energy can negatively impact us so that we are now suddenly in a bad mood.  We can then direct that energy to others around us as well.  The trouble is that many of us don’t know this is happening because we don’t stop, sit back, and reflect enough to notice.

So here’s one example:  You wake up in the morning in a great mood.  It’s a Saturday, so you’ve had the day off to do whatever you’ve wanted: catch up on chores, do some yoga, take the dog for a walk through the park, and so on.  You’re day has been a day of utter bliss and peacefulness.

However, you come home to your roommate complaining about some issue with her family.  This stressful energy within her then turns into her complaining to you and your other roommate about something with the apartment.  This then causes you to feel all distressed and angry.

You meet up with your boyfriend shortly after and, upon meeting up, you begin express all the frustration that you have towards your roommate at your boyfriend.  You to say things like, “This is totally ridiculous”, “This is so unfair”, or “I just can’t stand her”.

Although you were probably hoping that expressing all of these frustrations would cause you so relief, instead you and your boyfriend begin to fight about random little things.  You find the two of you arguing over things like where to park or where to eat for dinner.  This then leaves you going to bed that night feeling upset and frustrated.

You see what I mean?  In this example, this negative and stressful energy originated with the roommate and her family and the energy from that trickled into this romantic relationship.

These kind of things are happening all the time.  The problem is that we don’t notice that it is happening and, as a result, we don’t stop this energy when it comes to us.  Instead, we can bring it on to the next person we cross paths with, only to then make others feel all stressed out, angry, and upset as well.

So how can we stop doing this?  Here are some steps:

#1 – Make the effort to try to be aware.

Check in with your energy levels throughout the day.  Notice what events and people “trigger” you can cause a charged emotional reaction in you.

#2 – Take time to get yourself centered.

When we are triggered by someone else, we can tend to experience a bit of a antsy, flustered, or “scattered” feeling our bodies.  Taking the time to do some kind of meditation, breath-work, or mindfulness activity to center yourself and quiet the mind can be beneficial to calm down this natural body response.

#3 – Be mindful about what you say and how you say it.

Whenever you have noticed that you are triggered and about ready to interact with someone, be mindful over how you share what happened with this person.  Rather than to go off venting and “let it all out”, express it in a calm, collected, and balanced way.  Really think about the words you use and the energy that you are giving out behind those words.  Be mindful over how you may be affecting others.

EnergyRelationships

Click to Tweet: We are constantly being affected by one another’s energy…so what energy are you bringing to your relationships? via @jenilyn8705

Take action now!

Think of a time where you have negatively impacted another person because of something bad that happened to you.  How did you react?  How could you have responded differently to create a better outcome?  Share your thoughts in the comments below!

How To Cope When Someone is Driving You Crazy

driving you crazy
Image courtesy of David Castillo Dominci / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Do you have a friend, family member, or colleague that has been really driving you crazy lately? Do you feel like they just aren’t listening to you or respecting your decisions?

Relationships are very complex so when these moments come up it can trigger so many different emotional responses that it can be some pretty messy business. Deciphering what is the right or wrong action can be very difficult and confusing. Here are four steps to follow to help you cope in a situation where someone is driving you crazy.

Breath.

Get centered, meditate, or try any way that works for you to get a clear and calm mind. Depending upon the situation, this may be fairly easy or very challenging. If you can’t quite get there, don’t be hard on yourself about it. The main purpose here is to be able to relax and detach a bit from the situation so we’re not acting completely out of an emotional impulse that we may later regret.

Evaluate the situation.

What is this person doing that is driving you crazy? Did they forget to do something that you told them to do? Are they doing something that you wish they didn’t do? Are they guilt-tripping you into something they think you should be doing? Are they simply just doing things to drive you crazy? There’s many different scenarios that could be happening so it’s key to know exactly why you are bothered.

Decide whether this is something from your end of things or theirs.

This can be very tricky, especially for those of us who are in guilt-trip situations and we may be really questioning what is right or wrong for us. However, we do have to reflect upon the situation and decide: Is this something that I started? Is there some false projection that I made or is there something that I’m trying to control here? Or it could be coming predominantly from their end of things. Is this person trying to control me? Are they doing or saying things to me that I don’t feel is appropriate? Be sure to take your time and really reflect on this while in relaxation or meditation because this is KEY to succeeding in the final step.

Act out of love.

Do you feel that you simply made a projection or you had too high of expectations for this person? If so, then adjust as needed. Forgive yourself and, if you feel that you may have upset this person is someway, ask them how they felt about the situation and apologize accordingly. Letting it all out in the open can not only improve the relationship but make it deeper by providing a greater mutual understanding of one another.

Now, if you feel this conflict was created by the other person’s side of things, then you may want to be upfront with this person and tell them how this situation made you feel. Be open and honest. If you are lucky, they will be understanding and accepting and you can both move on from this situation. However, if this person happens to be very resistant and doesn’t want to accept their mistakes and apologize then chances are you’ll have to set some strong boundaries avoid getting sucked in and enabling them to continue their behavior.

Depending upon your past experience, this may be very difficult and challenging to decipher what is right or wrong in this situation. You may actually feel like you’re not acting out of love, though, I can assure you, that if the other person’s behavior tends to be more on the emotional manipulative or controlling side then you’re ultimately not doing them any good by letting them continue the behavior. You would just be encouraging more fear.

If you’re still not sure if you did the right thing or not, you can figure that, whether you’re judgement is right or wrong, taking a “break” or distancing yourself from the relationship when things have been really messy is never a bad thing. It can be a really good time to recoup and reflect on the relationship.

Reduce your stress today!

How has someone been “driving you crazy” lately?  Have you tried to talk to them?  How did it go?  What do you feel is the best way to handle the situation at this point so they are not “driving you crazy” anymore?