Tag Archives: recovery

Creating Change In Your Life Isn’t Always About “Doing”

The other day I was working with a client who was very frustrated because she felt like she wasn’t making a lot of progress in her life.

“There’s all these things that I know I need to do for myself,” she said, “but I just can’t ever get myself to do it.”

What followed were more self-critical statements and an eventual pause with a look of being completely lost along with the question, “What should I do?”

I paused, took a breath, and sat for a moment trying to find the exact right words for this response.

“Why do you have to do anything?” I said.  She looked at me a little perplexed.

“We live in a society where we’re hardwired to always be ‘doing’ something,” I continued, “but when it comes to something like this I don’t think the healing comes from doing more.  Rather, it’s about being open.”

When we’re stuck in this place where we know we need some kind of growth and healing, we can have a tendency to focus on what we can “do” to “fix” it. 

But the reality is that there is no simple step-by-step to do list to help you “fix” your problem.  There is no “one size fits all” for everyone all the time.

We’re all unique, so we all have our own individual journey and life path.  We just need to be sure to remember this and keep this in mind in order to allow our own unique healing and soul growth to occur.

So what do I mean exactly when I say that we “need to be open”?  Well, being open means being open to…

Guidance. 

Guidance — from spirit, God, the universe, a higher power, or whatever term you want to use — that will lead us to the right people with the right method at the right time that will be able to help you with your own unique situation.

Our felt experience.

To be open to our own emotions and feelings.  When we are sad, upset, or are still holding on to emotional distress from past situation, we have a tendency to repress or dissociate from our experience.  It may be too difficult to feel, so we unconsciously seek alternatives to avoid feeling.  This can cause us to feel depressed, anxious, etc.

So in order to heal and grow its important to be open to slowly and gradually reconnect to our own feelings.  It’s important to allow ourselves to cry, be angry, or whatever.  Being open to our felt experience allows us to reconnect consciously with our own natural flow of emotions and feelings.

The un-doing of our old habits.

We may not be consciously aware of what old habits and ways of being in the world are no longer serving us, but by being open to the un-doing of our habits makes change possible. 

Ultimately, it’s about allowing yourself to be open to change — in whatever way that comes for you — and trusting that what emerges is meant to come up. 

It’s not about trying to control or manipulate the process in some way with your mind (as our ego tends to).  Instead, its about surrendering our desires to control and allowing the process to unfold naturally for us.

OpenToChange

Click to Tweet: Lasting change comes from surrendering our desires to control and allowing the process to unfold naturally. via @jenilyn8705

There are two tools that could really assist you in being open, which include…

Prayer

Prayer or setting an intention at the start of you day is a very simple way to help you live with an “open to change” mindset.  The prayer can be something really simple like, “Spirit, of the highest truth and compassion, I release all of my concerns about _______ to you.  I am open to your guidance and intervention.  Please guide me in this process.  Thank you.”

In any prayer or intention that you want to make, I encourage you to create the wording for yourself because then it will be much more impactful.

Meditation

In meditation, we minimize the power of our ego or fear-based mind and connect to our true selves, which is pure love. 

If you already have some meditations that you really enjoy, then I encourage you to do that.  If not, then I am currently giving away for free my “Healing Blocks to Love” meditation from my new album Ignite Love from Within: Meditations for Creating Relationships and a Life Filled with Love. 

In this meditation, I guide you to identify at least one fear-based thought that is blocking you from love (which, in relation to the topic we’ve been discussing here, could simply be a thought like “I need to control my healing process”).  Then, I guide you through a visualization to release it.  If you’re ready to start creating relationships and a life of love, then click here to grab you copy as my gift to you.

Take action now!

Get out a sheet of paper write out a prayer or intention to state at the start of your day to  help you live with an “open to change” mindset.  Then share it in the comments below!

4 Things to Keep in Mind When Healing After Divorce or Breakup

When a relationship comes to an end, it can be a very difficult time emotionally.  The period of healing after divorce or a breakup can feel equally as stressful as the divorce or breakup itself was.

We may find ourselves nostalgic over what once was and wishing for those moments to be back.  We may catch ourselves feeling even more resentful towards our ex.  We may also find ourselves replaying the beginning of the end of our relationship in our minds and continuously analyzing again and again how we could’ve done things differently.

But it doesn’t have to be a long, dragged out, and terrible process.  There are some key concepts that are beneficial to keep in mind so that we can avoid falling subject to a lot of extra stress and despair that are only going to make things worse then better.  Here are 4 things to keep in mind when healing after divorce or a breakup:

Healing takes time and patience.

It may take us weeks, months, or even years to fully recover and heal.  And, for some of us, we never really do feel like we have fully healed.

Regardless of the time it takes for us, it is all perfectly normal.  Everyone has their own unique process that happens in their own unique way on their own unique time.  So be compassionate with yourself.  Give yourself the time and space to cry it out whenever you need to and heal.

Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything.

For many of us,we can go through a variety of stages in focusing on the past.  We rethink all the things we didn’t like about our ex.  We rethink all the things we loved about our ex and miss about them.  We rethink all the things that we wish we would’ve said and done instead of what we did.

Even though this is our tendency, it’s not a very healthy route.  It’s just our minds (or ego) trying to remain attached to suffering.  It’s keeping us out of the present.  When we rethink these things over and over in our minds it can really wear us down physically because our body then thinks that we’re experiencing the same thing over and over again.

So try to catch yourself if you fall into the habit of re-analyzing what happened and draw your attention back to what is going on for you right now.

Forgiveness is huge.

And I don’t just mean forgiveness towards the ex, but also towards ourselves.  We have to put forth the effort to forgive and forgive often — whether we are going through a breakup or not.  We have to focus on forgiving constantly.

In relation to my previous point about replaying the past, whenever you do find your mind going into a “replay”, stop, be present, and then say out loud, “[Name], I forgive you” and then go ahead and say “I forgive myself” as well.

Even if you don’t fully mean it 100% every time that you do it, just the act of putting forth consistent effort is enough to help begin some shifts.

No relationship ever fully ends — it just changes form.

When we go through a divorce or breakup, we find ourselves upset over what we have lost.  We are upset because what we had in the past we no longer have now and that our dreams for the future are now completely gone.

But, it’s reassuring to know that no relationship — at any time — ever really fully ends.  Rather it only changes form.

So even though you are no longer married to your husband, it doesn’t mean that you no longer have a relationship with him.  It just means that you are no longer married.  Just as if you are no longer talking with your ex boyfriend, it doesn’t mean that you no longer have a relationship with him.  It just means that you are no longer communicating.

Even when someone passes away, it doesn’t mean that the relationship has ended.  The relationship simply continues to live on in a different form, where it is a bit more of a spiritual connection rather than a physical connection as it was.

The relationship doesn’t end because it has, at one time, existed and, therefore, it continues to impact how you live your life.  Remember that movie that you never watched until your ex came around?  Or that meal that your ex introduced to you and now you find yourself eating it all the time?  It’s just like that.

That’s how your ex continues to impact you and forever will.  For that reason, they never really do completely leave your heart .  When you come to accept the new state of the relationship in this way, this is when some true peace and healing can occur.

NoRelationshipEnds

Click to Tweet: No relationship ever truly “ends” — it simply changes form. via @jenilyn8705

Take action now!

Take a moment right now to forgive your ex.  Sit back, close your eyes, and say out loud, “[Name], I forgive you”.  Then also say “I forgive myself for not knowing better” or “I forgive myself for ______” and add in whatever it is you are struggling to forgive yourself with.

Now, give yourself some kind of “treat” in order to express the love and acceptance you have of yourself.  Ask yourself: What would be beneficial to me right now to make me feel better?  Check in with your body and what you feel it needs.  Maybe it’s some simple stretching.  Maybe involves putting on some music you love and dancing.  Maybe it’s scheduling a time for a massage or manicure.  Maybe it’s simply taking a walk by a nearby lake or reading a good book with a cup of coffee.

It doesn’t have to be complicated.  In fact, the simpler the better!  Now go ahead and do that some time today.  

In the comments below, share how you are healing after divorce or a breakup.  What is most challenging for you?  Then share one of the four things that I listed above that you feel you need to personally focus on more than the others.