Tag Archives: let go

These 2 Steps in Forgiveness Will Help You Heal and Let Go For Good

Months back I was spending time with an old friend of mine.  We were hanging out with each other, catching up and just having an overall good time.

In the midst of spending time together, however, my friend had eventually said something that had really hurt me.  The words she said, the way she said it and the way she acted for the remainder of our time spent together left me offended, angry and sad.

In addition, as the night went on I had found that my old friend was following lifestyle choices that made me deeply concerned for her own well-being.

I had no idea what to say, how to say it, or even if I should say something.  And so, I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself for the duration of the time we spent together.

Days later when I was spending time with my boyfriend I told him everything.  What she said, what she was doing, and my own thoughts and feelings about the whole thing.

In response, he said, “Oh I’m sorry babe — that sucks”.

But some validation for my pain wasn’t enough for me to heal and let it go.  The pain still lingered.

I knew I needed to forgive, so I looked into my spiritual toolbox and pulled out prayer and meditation.  I started meditating and praying about it in asking for spirit to help me forgive.

I would do it for a few days and the second I felt some kind of “release” I thought I was “healed” so then I’d stop… only to find that a few days later those hurt feelings would arise again.

This cycle continued for weeks.  And since my hurt feelings were still there I’d talk to my boyfriend about it.  Words of “I can’t believe she said that” were on repeat.

And then one day in the midst of my boyfriend patiently listening to all of this, he eventually said, “Well, you can’t control her”.

I stopped and finally realized the cycle that I was really caught in:  I was caught up in a codependent cycle.

A very basic definition of codependency is when one tries to control another person in some way.  It can be seen through boundary violation either externally or internally.

This can come up externally in the wife of an alcoholic who wants her husband to stop drinking so badly that she tries to throw out all the alcohol in the house.  On the flip side, this can come up internally in a husband who doesn’t like his wife’s spending habits so he complains about her behavior all the time.  The first is a clear codependent behavior because there was an external action.  The second is not as obvious because it is internal, but the energy and feelings of wanting to control is still very present — and can still be felt by others.

Fortunately for me in this case, I wasn’t violating any boundaries externally, but the internal desire to control was certainly there — which was, truly, the reason for my deep struggle to let go and forgive.  I wasn’t fully recognizing the faults in my own behavior, so the prayer and meditation just wasn’t quite cutting it.

So how can we follow to forgive, heal, and let go for good?  Here are the two main steps:

#1 – You gotta recognize your own control patterns

Often when we’re struggling to forgive someone it’s because we wish that the other person would change in some way.  Maybe we want them to apologize to us, maybe we want them to reach out, or maybe we want them to change their lifestyle in some way so the relationship can “heal” and things can be back the way they used to be.

It doesn’t work like that.  People are not going to change on your terms.  They are going to change on their own terms.  And though it may be painful to watch sometimes, the most loving thing to do is to let go and allow the person to live, grow, and learn on their own.

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Click to Tweet: People are not going to change on your terms.  They are going to change on their own terms. via @jenilyn8705

#2 – Release it to spirit

Once we’ve been able to recognize our own control patterns, its effective to do some kind of prayer or meditation with the intention to forgive.  Maybe it’s a visualization meditation like my forgiveness meditation in my album Ignite Love from Within.  Or maybe it’s a simple prayer in saying something like:

Spirit of the highest truth and compassion, I’m struggling to forgive [Name] because of [situation].  I have recognized my wrongs in this.  I can see my desire to control and I know that it is no longer serving me or the relationship.  I surrender my control and my desire to forgive to you.  Heal [Name].  Heal me.  Thank you very much.  Amen.

You can tweek the words so that it most resonates with you, but doing some kind of act to surrender and release to spirit/the Universe in some way on a daily basis is what is going to help you truly heal and release your pain and resentments.

Take action now!

If you’re struggling to forgive someone right now, ask yourself: What is my control pattern in this situation?  How am I wanting to control the other person?  How am I controlling?  Share it in the comments below!

3 Tips to Find Stress Relief Daily

When many of us are working 9 to 5 jobs and doing other activities on top of that, like taking some classes, doing some extra part-time work, raising kids, or whatever, it’s pretty darn easy to get stressed out.

But, despite how busy we may be, being able to find stress relief is not something that we have no control over.  Creating and maintaining a solid self-care practice can help us go from a stressed out mess to peaceful and going with the flow. 

Here are 3 tips that you can start implementing into your life right now to help you find stress relief daily:

#1 – Meditate at least once daily.

Starting the habit of meditating every day has been such a game changer for me when it comes to managing stress.  I’ve managed to not only feel less susceptible to stress, but I’ve also found myself experiencing even more feelings of joy, gratitude, and happiness.

Making the goal to meditate every day can be quite intimidating at first, especially if you’ve never done it before (I know I was!) but it doesn’t have to be that difficult.  Just as little as 3 minutes a day (or even 1 minute!) can really make a difference.

You can start off by sitting in a chair or on the floor with your back straight and to simply focus on your breath.  You can count your breath and breath in for 3 and exhale for 5. 

Another option could be to say a mantra to yourself.  A very basic mantra could be “So hum”, meaning “I am that”.  That you can repeat to yourself as you breathe, with the “so” on the inhale and “hum” on the exhale.

When doing a mantra, you’re going to notice a lot of thoughts from your “monkey mind” popping up.  When you catch yourself getting distracted by the thoughts, then simply go back to the mantra the second you notice. 

Remember that having the thoughts is normal and part of the process.  The thoughts come up so that you can process them and let them go.  You’re still going to benefit from the meditation whether you have the thoughts or not.  This is very important to remember because I think I a lot of beginners can get hard on themselves for it (including myself), so remember that it’s normal.

Finally, if you don’t like those types of meditations you could also do a guided visualization type of meditation as well.  There are many people out there with copies of guided meditations, myself included.  So if you would like to go that route, grab a copy of my Self and Relationship Healing Meditation if you haven’t yet and get meditating!

#2 – Start each day with an intention to let it all go. 

That person that cut you off on the way to work?  Let it go.  That very traumatic story that someone told you?  Let it go.  That person who yelled at you and flipped you the bird?  Let it go.

By holding on to the things that have happened to us we create this inner distress and tension within ourselves.  This doesn’t serve us and it only causes us unnecessary suffering.

One of the keys I think in letting go regularly is to live every day remembering this one main concept: If it isn’t happening, right here, right now in this very present moment then it doesn’t matter.

StressReliefPresentMoment

Click to Tweet: If it isn’t happening, right here, right now in this present moment then it doesn’t really matter. via @jenilyn8705

It doesn’t matter that you couldn’t get out of your parking job 2 hours ago, because that was 2 hours ago.  It doesn’t matter that you dropped a jar of spaghetti sauce walking out of the grocery store because that was 20 minutes ago.  And it doesn’t even matter that you need to call your doctor about some test results on Monday because it’s currently Friday night you won’t be able to do it until then anyway.

When we shift our mindsets to focusing on present moment, we can let go of all the stuff we think we have to stress about now — but it truly doesn’t matter in this very moment.

#3 – Move it!

Sometimes stressful things happen that shift us into “fight or flight” mode and it can throw us off for the entire day if we don’t know how to deal with it.

Let me let you in on something when it comes to fight or flight: We all experience it — and I don’t mean just humans, but animals too. 

Have you ever seen two ducks get into a fight?  They’ll beat on each other.  Maybe even look like the one is going to actually kill the other.  But, eventually, they break away.  They go separate ways and fly or maybe flap their wings rigorously a few times and then they’re back to floating around on the water all peacefully, calm and content.

They don’t think about how that other duck pissed them off 2 hours after the fact or the one doesn’t try to “get back” at the other in some way.  They just let it go and get back to their own business.

If you really stop and watch sometime (which I encourage you to do), all animals do this in their own unique ways.  But there’s something you’ll notice across the board:  They all move.

So when someone upsets you, pisses you off, or gets you all worked up then be sure to move.  Take a walk.  Jump around.  Flap your arms.  Stomp your feet.  Do whatever it is that you feel can help you let go of all that tension in your body.

Take action now!

Out of the three tips I’ve listed above, which one are you going to start doing today?  Share it in the comments below!

3 Things to Remember When You’ve Been Screwed Over

At some point in our lives, in some way or another, we have all been screwed over by someone else.  Maybe it was by an ex or a friend.  Maybe it was by a colleague or classmate.  Maybe it was even by a family member or a roommate.

Regardless of your relationship to the person, being screwed over by someone can really, well, suck.  We have placed our trust in this person and, somehow, they have let us down.  They have done the thing that we didn’t think they would’ve done.  As a result, we feel hurt, angry, and, overall, betrayed.

Dealing with these emotions aren’t always the easiest thing.  We can find ourselves caught up in these emotional responses — and so, as a result, we unable to think clearly about the reality of our situation.  So here are things to remember when you’ve been screwed over by someone:

Revenge may not always be the best option.

When these types of things happen, it is likely that we may feel the urge to “get back at” the person in some way.  This may be by telling anyone and everyone about how this person hurt you in hopes that “what goes around, comes around”.  This may also involve doing other things a bit more strategically in order to get back at them in some way.

The problem is that, in doing this, many times (not always, but many times) we are actually dragging ourselves down to their level.  In trying to get back at them, we aren’t necessarily making ourselves “the bigger person” in the situation.  And, as a result, it is also likely that we are just wearing ourselves out with all the stress we are giving ourselves in the process of it all.

Often times the best thing that we can do is to simply let it go and trust that the universe (through the process of karma) will take care of it.  Know and trust that everyone will ultimately get what they deserve — including you!   Remember that! 😉

The only person who you really have control over is yourself.

Another thing that we may try to do when we’ve been screwed over by someone else is to try and control the entire situation ourselves.  Maybe we may try to talk to them in hopes to try to force them to change a decision they had made or just really try to get this other person to see and understand our side of things.

Though I can 100% relate to this, the unfortunate reality is that we really can’t control the other person.  The only person is this world who we really have control over is ourselves.  Which leads me to saying that the reality is that…

The let downs shows us how we can improve so it doesn’t happen again.

When we’ve  been screwed over we can find ourselves wishing we could turn back the clock and do things in a different way so that we somehow could have avoided being screwed over all together.  Maybe it involved saying “No” to a request earlier in the relationship or asking the person more questions before making an agreement.

Even though being screwed over does certainly suck, the benefit is that it does teach us how to be stronger in the future.  It teaches us how we can better cover our bases in our future relationships (of any and all kinds).  It helps us to better refine our boundaries of what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not willing to tolerate.  It also helps us know all the right questions that we need to ask and things we need to talk about with the other person so that all the things we need to know are out in the open.

And, finally, it does also teach us about forgiveness.  It reinforces the teaching that people do not always know how much they have really truly hurt us — and that goes for both others and ourselves.  Rarely do any of us really truly fully know how much we have hurt other people in our lives.

Because of this truth, it is vital to forgive — both ourselves and others — for not knowing better.

VitaltoForgive

Take action now!

Take a moment right now to reflect on someone who has screwed you over.  This may have been recently or several months or years ago.  Based on the list above in the article, which of the 3 things do you most need to remember in order to heal from this let down?

Do you still find yourself wanting revenge and you need to let go of it?  Do you still find yourself wanting to control this person to change their mind?  Are you struggling to really accept how you can change yourself so this doesn’t happen in the future?  Share it in the comments below!

It’s Time To Give Our Power Away

I’ve officially decided that it’s time to give my power away. From this point forward I am no longer making decisions for myself.

By holding on to my own power, I have caused myself too much suffering, frustration, worry, and stress. Clearly, I am just not capable of being in control of my life. Its time to stop being in charge and give my power away.

So I have decided to give my power away to spirit – all of my worries, fears, anxieties, frustrations, concerns, and stressers. I’m releasing all of this extra “gunk” that prevents me from really moving with the natural flow of life. By letting go, I can begin to really feel fulfilled right here right now.

This really hasn’t been an easy point to get to. There is and always has been a resistance. I’ve felt spirit, my inner guide, guiding me to do one thing but my mind has kept saying “no” out of fear.

My fear-based mind (or ego) has continued to terrify me to do the things that spirit has guided me to.

“But, what if I say something that others criticize me for?”

“What if my ideas are rejected?”

“What if I make a terrible error and then nobody cares what I have to say?”

“What if I run out of money, can’t make rent, and then find myself living in the street?”

My mind has come up with every crazy idea possible to prevent me from following my inner guide over and over again.

It’s ironic – I have listened to many of these irrational beliefs and I have held myself back in hopes to protect myself from attack. However, by holding myself back I have caused myself more suffering than I would have experienced had I done the very thing I felt called to do right away without all the hesitation.

We all do this. We all have something stirring in our hearts that we would love to do or create so it can become a reality. We all want to feel fulfilled and feel as if we are truly following our true life’s purpose, but we listen to our mind’s fear-based thoughts and hold back.

It’s like there’s a part of us that enjoys suffering. A part of us that likes to have something to complain or feel unsettled about. So we consistently have these self-defeating thoughts that hold us back.

“I’d love to publish my own book but I don’t have the money.”

“I’d love to start my own non-profit but I can’t give up my current job to work on this.”

“If I don’t do this extra work for my boss then it might jeopardize my relationship with him and I may not have a job.”

Our minds are always coming up with some excuse to hold us back from fully embodying what spirit has to offer us. So how can we start giving less of our power to our fear-based minds and start handing our power completely over to spirit?

Believe that we deserve what spirit is offering us.

Even though we may not recognize it right away, it all boils down to self-worth. We don’t believe that we are worthy of this amazing offering spirit is giving to us and saying “This is for you”. We don’t trust ourselves. We don’t believe that we are capable.

Well I’m here to tell you that you are capable! In fact, we all are capable. We just need to allow ourselves to completely trust and rely on what spirit is guiding us to do.

Know that when we follow spirit’s guidance, we are always supported.

Many of us have the fear that if we take that leap of faith and do whatever spirit is guiding us to do that we won’t be supported – emotionally or physically. Taking that leap of faith and really following what spirit guides us to do can make us feel as though we have to do it completely on our own, which is terrifying.

Well, I’m here to tell you that when we do follow what spirit is guiding us to do that we are supported in all ways. If we experience fear, we can pray or meditate and let that go to spirit. If we feel that we won’t earn the money we need, we can trust that spirit will come and provide us with the exact money that we need at the exact moment that we need it.

Trust in Divine timing.

Following spirit puts us into a place of the unknown. We may not know when the next opportunity will come up or when we will receive our next paycheck. We have to completely give our power away to spirit so that we can trust in things will be provided when spirit is ready. We have to be willing to put ourselves out there and really do what we are feeling called in our hearts to do without hesitation.

Know that what you’re doing is incredible.

Follow what spirit is guiding us to do is hard because typically by following our inner guidance we are called to do things that can feel pretty radical. We may be guided to do things that nobody else has really done before, which can make the process very unpredictable and scary.

When these fears come up, stop and put this into perspective. I mean, how many people in this world have truly given their power over to spirit and are truly following spirit’s guidance? Not many. Someone has to start the new road and its very exciting and incredible that you are being guided down this path! Believe that. Know that.

GivingInToSpirit

Its time to really give our power away to to trust what spirit guiding us to do. It’s incredible, its exciting and you deserve it!

Start giving in to your higher power!

How have you been holding yourself back?  What are you fear based thoughts that are preventing you from moving forward?  What can you start doing TODAY to help you let go of your own power and start acting in alignment with your higher power?

Share your thoughts below!