Tag Archives: judgement

5 Reasons Why You’re Unhappy — and How You Can Start Being Happy Today

So maybe you have the awesome house or apartment, a great relationship, and an amazing job.  But despite the fact that everything in your life looks so great on “paper” or upon someone viewing your Facebook or Instagram accounts, for some reason, somehow your just not happy.

What I’ve come to realize that while our societal views on what constitutes a happy and successful person, it’s rare that someone who actually fulfills all of those things are going to be genuinely happy.  Our true happiness is not determined by our external circumstances, but rather our internal focus.

So here are 5 reasons why you may be unhappy — and how you can start being happy today:

#1 – You’re living in the past or future

Out of all the reasons in this list, I think this one is the most impactful of our level of happiness than all of them. 

You’re focused on what you did have in the past or what you could have in the future rather than what you have right now.  Your mind is focused on how things were so great back in “the good ol’ days”.  Or, you’re focused on the idea of how things will be great “someday” in the future.

The reality is that by focusing our attention on the past and the future, all it does is prevent us from really living in and enjoying the present moment, which is the key to really living and being from a place of true joy and happiness.

So when you catch yourself thinking about how things were great in the past or how they could become great in the future, take a deep breath, feel your feet on the floor and look around you.  Notice what you have right now in this moment and how amazing it is to simply be living right here, right now.

#2 – You’re caught up in thoughts of judgement and criticism

Are you caught up in judging yourself about not being “good enough”?  Are you often trying to, somehow, be “perfect”?

Or, on the flip side, do you get up in judging and criticizing other people?  Do you get caught up in criticizing the way a co-worker dresses?  Are you often getting caught up in judging others for their own life choices?

When it comes to judgement and criticism I think it’s important to remember this: When I am judging others, I am judging myself, because we are all intricately connected.

When we are judging and criticizing, its a sign that our ego mind is bringing out our inner critic.  All this does is block us from being able to truly experience love, happiness and joy in the present moment.

JudgingOthersSelf

Click to Tweet: When I am judging others, I am judging myself, because we are all intricately connected. @jenilyn8705

#3 – You’re seeking fulfillment in material things

Do you find yourself thinking things like: When I’m able to get that house then I’ll be happy, when I’m making six figures I’ll be happy, or when I can get that new car I’ll be happy?

One of the biggest fabrications that our ego mind likes to tell us is that being rich, famous and successful we are somehow going to be living the best lives ever.

While getting a new car, house, and make more money may certainly make our lives easier, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to be happy when we get these things.  True happiness comes through our mindset and how we choose to live and be in the world — not a pair of Manolos and some Gucci.

#4 – You’re focused on what you’re getting rather than what you’re giving

To you tend to get caught up in thinking that if you did X favor for Sally then she better give Y favor for you?  Or, do you tend to get caught up in thinking about how much money you’re getting from your employer rather than how much you’re giving at work?

It’s interesting, but often when we’re focused on a mindset of always thinking about what we’re “getting” then there never seems to be enough — there’s always lack.  However, when we shift our mindset and start to focus more on what we’re giving, then we are able to see what we are actually receiving.  In turn, we can then find ourselves more grateful and content with what it is that we do have right here, right now.

#5 – You’re trying to push your feelings of sadness, worry, and anger away

In the world of self-help and personal growth, there’s a lot of talk out there about a need to be positive so that you can be happy and joyful and live the best life possible.

Well, I’m going to tell you right now: Thinking that we need to be positive all the time is BS. 

Honestly, it’s not even remotely realistic.  We all have our good days and our bad days.  People die.  Pets die.  Relationships end.  Health issues happen.  We lose jobs.  We move.

And as a result, we cry, we scream, and we worry.  Someone does or says something to hurt us and we struggle to forgive.  We have wounds, addictions, and disorders.

And you know what?  It’s all normal and perfectly okay.  In fact, we need it.  Why?  Because we can’t have light without darkness.  We need both to be whole and to feel complete.

We all have wounds because we’ve all been hurt in various ways and those wounds need our love and attention.  We have to give ourselves time to really truly feel and process those emotions.  When we don’t, this is where other problems can emerge, such as an addiction, an eating disorder, or maybe even a case of depression.

So allow yourself to really truly feel — both the good and the bad, because it is all a part of you, and by loving and accepting it, you can start to tap into your own true authentic happiness.

3 Things to Remember When You’re Trying to Fix Your Breakup

Breakups are rough. Trust me, I’ve been through plenty of them. Some are easier than others, but they still hurt.

When breakups happen we have the tendency to go into a mode where we obsess over all of our mistakes and wish that we would’ve done things differently.

We start thinking of all the things:

“I shouldn’t have said…”

“I shouldn’t have done…”

“I should have…”

“I wish I…”

Thought after thought after thought – all wishing that we could change the past in some way in a hope that our present situation is what it isn’t. We just with that somehow we could fix everything and our relationship could be back the way it was.

Though obsessing and focusing on all the “should haves” is a normal stage of the grief that we have to allow ourselves to go through, we have to be mindful about going too far with it. Meaning: Are you obsessing so much that you’re trying to control everything in your current situation?

Are you trying to force your ex to talk to you? Are you trying to force yourself to forgive? Are you trying to force the two of you to “figure things out” just so you can go back to dating again?

Admittedly, I’ve probably been one of the worst possible people at this. I’m a total recovering Ms. Fix-it. It was very hard for me in the past to simply accept the breakup for what it was and let go from a place of love and respect for the other person.

Though it can be extremely difficult to fully heal from heartbreak, there are things that we can keep in mind that help us release this urge to try to fix our broken relationship.

Regardless of what “technically” happened – it’s still not completely your fault and it’s not completely their fault either.

Typically when we start feeling the urge to control and fix our broken relationship its because we are beating ourselves up. It’s because we’re thinking in our heads “I messed this up, I’m not good enough, and I need to change”.

While its true that we do have areas where we need to grow and become better, its never completely our fault. After all, it takes two to tango. The other person’s imperfections certainly didn’t make things any easier.

That being said, its also good to keep in mind that its never fully the other person’s fault either. So we want to avoid the urge to point the finger at the other person as well. It’s both people together that create conflicts.

BreakupFault

Click to Tweet: A breakup is never one person’s fault. So be easy on yourself — AND your partner. @jenilyn8705

Focus on your own well-being.

When we have most of our energy focused on trying to fix our breakup, we completely forget to focus on one of the most important things of all: ourselves. Try to take time to rest, eat, and talk to a loved one. Allow yourself to grieve and process what you’re going through.

There’s always other fish in the sea.

For years I cringed every time someone would say these words to me, but now I actually find joy in the truth of it. There is so many potential lessons and experiences out there in the dating world.

Trouble, however, is that we can never fully see our possibilities if we are too focused on what we have lost. Sure, allow yourself to grieve – your soul deserves the time to do that – but be mindful about focusing too much on what you have lost. You don’t want to end up in a rut and miss out on noticing the gold that’s in front of you.

Take our a sheet of paper or a journal and write a letter to your ex.  All the things you enjoyed about the person and the things you will miss.  Write down the lessons you’ve learned by being with this person.  Allow this time of writing to be a way of really honoring the relationship that you had with this person.  But don’t actually send it!

Now, on a separate sheet of paper write down all the not-so-great things about being in a relationship with this person.  Try to be mindful about not going on a tangent over how terrible the person was — keep it reasonable.  Focus on the things that you can do, learn, and experience now that you are not with this person.  Imagine the possibilities.

5 Ways to Kick Your Inner Critic to the Curb

We all have an inner critic. That little voice that comes in and tells us “you’re not good enough”, “you don’t

inner critic
deserve this”, “you’re going to screw this up”, or “if you say that then someone will judge you.”

The problem with the inner critic is that, more often than not, it works to prevent us from making our dreams a reality. It stops us from doing the things we really want to do. Generally, it sneaks in and tells us “You don’t deserve love and happiness”.

According to A Course in Miracles, this is totally bogus. All of those fears, doubts, worries, and inner judgements we have about ourselves aren’t actually real. It’s only an illusion because the only things in the Universe that are in fact real is perfect unconditional love.

Side note: A Course in Miracles (also referred to as ACIM or the Course) is a self-study curriculum that is spiritual in nature, which focuses on the idea that everything in the world and universe is ultimately connected as one.  It also emphasizes forgiveness as a practical application in daily living.  It is often referenced by famous authors such as Marianne Williamson and Gabrielle Bernstein.  To learn more click here.

Though overcoming the inner critic can be a very long journey that we can experience our entire lives, there are ways to help deal with the inner critic and manage it so that it doesn’t overtake our lives. So here are 5 ways to kick your inner critic to the curb and give it much less of your time, energy, and attention.

Catch it when it strikes.

Possibly the single most important thing to know when trying to give your inner critic less power is to be aware of it. If we are aware of it when it comes up then we are better able to recognize it for what it is and then replace the negative self-talk with something else. It may come up early in the morning with a comment of “Agh I look like shit today” . It may arise later at work you think “I’m totally going to screw up this assignment”. It may also come up while out with friends with a thought of “Gosh I can’t say that I want to leave now cause I’ll disappoint them and they’ll judge me.” It may come up when out shopping with the thought of “I really need to buy these pants. They’re so in right now and I need this to help maintain my image” or, in an opposite way, “I really want this but I can’t afford it. I can never afford that kind of thing.” Perhaps try to spend an entire day where you try to keep track of each critical thought as it comes up either with tallies or a counter. You can do whatever you prefer, but the main goal is to put forth the effort to be more aware of your inner critic when it starts talking.

 

Change the inner dialogue.

It’s one thing to notice the inner critic, but we can’t fully conquer it through self-awareness alone. We have to replace it with something. So when the critic comes up and starts saying not-so-nice things about us, we have to be aware of it and then tell ourselves something else. So, for instance, if we have an inner critic that tells us “You can’t tell your friends that you want to go home so early. They will be disappointed and judge you. Whatever if you’re tired” then, instead, tell yourself, “I am true and honest with myself and others. The truth is that they are tired they deserve that truth.”

 

Self-Compliments.

If your inner critic is coming up and telling you how ugly you are, how much weight you’ve gained, how selfish you are, that you don’t deserve that new car, or other yucky things, then give yourself a compliment. Ask yourself: What is the one thing I would like someone to tell me in this situation? Or if you can’t come up with anything, then ask: If I were a friend of me, what would I tell myself? Then give yourself that compliment – either in your mind or out loud.

 

Affirmations.

Another way to give your inner critic less power and control of your life is to start doing affirmations. You may want to start your meditations with the words “I am…” or “I deserve…” You may also want to say them by stating your own name, like “Sally, you are empowered and deserve love”. My own personal rule of the thumb with affirmations is this: If when you say it you feel more open, relaxed, free, calm, compassion, or excitement then you’ve picked the right affirmation for yourself. You can do the affirmations either in the morning or evening. You could also try creating a poster of your favorite affirmation and put it on your wall for a daily visual reminder.

 

Meditation and Prayer.

For me, prayer is huge – possibly even more than meditation, though I feel that both are equally important. When we meditate, we allow ourselves to calm the mind and give that inner critic much less time and attention. When we give the critic less attention then it takes away its energy to continue. Now, what I love about prayer is that it gives us the opportunity to reach out and “make up for” all the times when our inner critic still sneaks in even after we’ve done all the other things I’ve mentioned above. If after trying affirmations, self-awareness, self-compliments, and changing our inner dialogue and you still notice that darn inner critic popping up, then say a prayer. You can simply say “Dear Universe, please release me from these fears of judgement” or “God, please help me to be true to myself and others.” There is no right or wrong way to say it or to do the prayer itself. Do whatever you feel guided to do.

 

Finally, keep in mind that, even though more often than not the inner critic is up to no good, once in a while it is benefitting us. It may be the critic that is telling us to work hard on our project so we can succeed or telling us to really be consciously aware of our projections onto others. Be mindful and ask yourself, “Is what my inner critic is saying serving me or not?” and act accordingly.

 

Kick Your Inner Critic to the Curb Today!

Answer the following in your journal or share below:

What does your inner critic tell you?

How can you change your inner dialogue to better serve you?

What kind of compliments would you tell yourself in this situation?

What affirmations do you feel can best help you at this time?