Tag Archives: heal

My Love of Fear

Yoga was finished and it was time to get to work.  I sit down at my desk to begin.

You’ve been procrastinating all day, a voice in my mind says, You should already have this done by now!

I can feel the tension in my neck crawling down my back.  My breath is shallow.

I take a deep breath and stretch my arms over my head thinking, believing and hoping that will release the tension.

I feel a little better, so I put my arms down and start to focus on work.

You haven’t done shit today, the voice continues, you woke up, ate breakfast, did yoga and that’s it.  You’re pathetic.

I then open the document of my project and start getting to work.

This shit is terrible.  What makes you think that’s good enough?  Work harder!

I look back over what I had written down.  Rereading it from the top.  Maybe if I word it this way it could be better somehow?  Or maybe I can add a little bit more here.

Nobody is going to like that shit.  It’s not good enough.  You’re not good enough.

My neck became even more tense and I suddenly found myself debilitated.  Completely unable to work.  Completely unable to focus.

I get up to walk around feeling “off” and not sure what more I needed to do to get past this critical inner voice that’s loaded in fear.  I did yoga, I meditated, I’ve moved around like a billion frigging times already… what more needs to happen to kick this thing?

I stop trying to fight it so I make myself a smoothie and pop in my earbuds to listen to a lecture by my mentor Gabby Bernstein.  I had heard this lecture several times before but maybe, someway, somehow I was going to hear something that would help me get out of this funk.

A half hour later and the first recorded lecture was over.

See now you just wasted another 30 minutes when you could be working, the voice says.

Oh just shut up already, I think back to it as my neck tenses up and I hit the play button on the next 30 minute talk.

She’s not even talking about what you’re dealing with right now, the voice says.

This time I ignore it and continue to keep listening to the talk.

About mid-way through the talk Gabby mentioned that before she does a talk she will say a prayer asking for the highest spirit of truth and compassion to speak through her talk.  She said that in doing this, it helps her get out of her fear-based ego and back into love.

Upon hearing that, I quickly say that prayer for myself in my mind.  I start to notice my neck muscles starting to relax, my jaw not quite as tight, and I feel much more calm and centered.

I paused the talk and then I had a thought, Jen, you were trying to fight the block.  You were trying to fight the fear, but that doesn’t work because you were fighting fear with fear in your mind.  You can’t push fear away.  Fear can only truly dissipate when you love it, because love is what heals.

FearDissipate

Click to Tweet: Fear can only truly dissipate when you love it because love is what heals @jenilyn8705 

There are so many times where coaches, writers, and teachers talk about how we need to be fearless.

“Bust through the blocks”

“Overcome your fear”

“Live fearlessly”

On the surface the words can seem to be implying that fear is bad and that we must abolish it.  However, by holding onto the idea that we have to abolish fear in itself can make us even more stuck.  It can create a war of fear-based dialogue inside our minds.

You’re not good enough.

Oh go away.

Nobody is going to want to read that.

Leave me alone!

What we need to do instead is to recognize the fear-based thoughts and give it love.  Notice the thought and let it be.  Don’t attach to it or respond.  Just let it be. 

If it comes up again wanting more attention, just give it some love.  Pray for it.  Tell it that you love it. 

After all, those thoughts are just wounded parts of you and, just like you do, they deserve a lot of love and care.

10 Self-Care Methods for Highly Sensitive People

Do you tend to feel overwhelmed by other people’s energy?  Do large crowds feel like too much to you?  Then you may be a highly sensitive person.

As a highly sensitive person, it’s incredibly important to learn how to set boundaries, protect your energy, and become a master of your own self-care.  Here are 10 self-care methods for highly sensitive people:

#1 – Set boundaries

In a relationship where the give-and-take never seems to be equal?  Are you around someone who consistently seems to try to get you wrapped up in their drama?  Is there someone in your life that makes critical remarks towards you?  Then set a boundary.

The boundary may be set by making a verbal statement or it may be by limiting or distancing yourself from the person.  Regardless of how you do it exactly, remember that its an important component in protecting your own energy.

#2 – Meditate daily

Meditation is an excellent tool to help increase emotional stability, happiness, and mental clarity.  You can meditate to a mantra, do visualizations or even a movement meditation.  Grab a free copy of my guided visualization meditation Healing Blocks to Love to learn more about my album Ignite Love from Within, which includes all these forms of meditations.

#3 – Do yoga

Do yoga at least twice a week in whatever form you prefer.  That could be hatha, vinyasa, kundalini, restoratives, yin, or whatever.  Regardless of the type of yoga, it is all going to help you release the energy or emotions that you’re holding onto in your muscles.

#4 – Spend time in nature

In our modern world of technology and sitting in an office most of the day, it’s not surprising to see why many of us can feel stressed, overwhelmed, or just down in the dumps — it’s not our natural way of living.

So get outside.  Go for a walk.  Walk in the grass barefoot.  Get some sunlight.  Smell the flowers.

#5 – Take a salt bath

Soaking in a bath of epsom salts for about 10 to 20 minutes will help you relax your muscles and restore your entire being.

#6 – Get massage, acupuncture, or Reiki

Schedule regular appointments for a body-work of your choosing.  It could be massage, reflexology, acupuncture, acupressure, reiki, or whatever. 

My only stipulation is that I encourage you to be mindful about who you work with.  You don’t want to work with somebody who drinks, does drugs, and doesn’t take their work seriously.  A careless practitioner can do a lot of damage — especially for a highly sensitive — so be sure that you get treatments from those who do their work well.

#7 – Eat clean

What I mean by this is eliminate (or at least minimize) processed foods and eat organic as much as you can to reduce consuming any pesticide residues.  I also encourage you to experiment to see what kind of diet works best for you and your body.  Maybe you feel best going vegan or vegetarian.  Or maybe you feel best going gluten free.  Or maybe you feel at your best cutting out grains all together with a paleo diet. 

No “one size fits all” for everyone all the time.  So experiment and try things out to see what gives you the most energy.

#8 – Journal at the end of the day

The reason many of us can feel so stressed out and overwhelmed with things is because we never really give ourselves time to process.  We never really let it all out in some way.

While talk therapy is beneficial, it is not the only way to do this.  Another way to help process all the stuff that’s going on in your life is to journal.  The simple act of just getting it all out on paper can be extremely therapeutic. 

A great practice to do put away some time in the eventing to just journal about your day.  If you’re not one to write, another option could be to draw or paint whatever you are feeling.

#9 – Breathe!

Did somebody just cut you off driving down the highway?  Breathe!  Someone come into the office all angry and stressed?  Breathe!  Can’t find your car keys?  Breathe!

When we bring it back to the breath, we are able to let it all go.

BreatheLetItGo

Click to Tweet: When we bring it back to the breath, we are able to let it all go. via @jenilyn8705

#10 – Spend time at the beach

If you’re remotely near a coast, take advantage of going to the beach.  The sand exfoliates your feet and gives you a little foot massage, the air is infused with uber-healthy ions and the sound of the ways is soothes the soul.  It’s the perfect combination to fully relax and recharge.

Take action now!

Out of the list above, which of the self-care methods are you going to plan on doing this week?  Share it in the comments below!

These 2 Steps in Forgiveness Will Help You Heal and Let Go For Good

Months back I was spending time with an old friend of mine.  We were hanging out with each other, catching up and just having an overall good time.

In the midst of spending time together, however, my friend had eventually said something that had really hurt me.  The words she said, the way she said it and the way she acted for the remainder of our time spent together left me offended, angry and sad.

In addition, as the night went on I had found that my old friend was following lifestyle choices that made me deeply concerned for her own well-being.

I had no idea what to say, how to say it, or even if I should say something.  And so, I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself for the duration of the time we spent together.

Days later when I was spending time with my boyfriend I told him everything.  What she said, what she was doing, and my own thoughts and feelings about the whole thing.

In response, he said, “Oh I’m sorry babe — that sucks”.

But some validation for my pain wasn’t enough for me to heal and let it go.  The pain still lingered.

I knew I needed to forgive, so I looked into my spiritual toolbox and pulled out prayer and meditation.  I started meditating and praying about it in asking for spirit to help me forgive.

I would do it for a few days and the second I felt some kind of “release” I thought I was “healed” so then I’d stop… only to find that a few days later those hurt feelings would arise again.

This cycle continued for weeks.  And since my hurt feelings were still there I’d talk to my boyfriend about it.  Words of “I can’t believe she said that” were on repeat.

And then one day in the midst of my boyfriend patiently listening to all of this, he eventually said, “Well, you can’t control her”.

I stopped and finally realized the cycle that I was really caught in:  I was caught up in a codependent cycle.

A very basic definition of codependency is when one tries to control another person in some way.  It can be seen through boundary violation either externally or internally.

This can come up externally in the wife of an alcoholic who wants her husband to stop drinking so badly that she tries to throw out all the alcohol in the house.  On the flip side, this can come up internally in a husband who doesn’t like his wife’s spending habits so he complains about her behavior all the time.  The first is a clear codependent behavior because there was an external action.  The second is not as obvious because it is internal, but the energy and feelings of wanting to control is still very present — and can still be felt by others.

Fortunately for me in this case, I wasn’t violating any boundaries externally, but the internal desire to control was certainly there — which was, truly, the reason for my deep struggle to let go and forgive.  I wasn’t fully recognizing the faults in my own behavior, so the prayer and meditation just wasn’t quite cutting it.

So how can we follow to forgive, heal, and let go for good?  Here are the two main steps:

#1 – You gotta recognize your own control patterns

Often when we’re struggling to forgive someone it’s because we wish that the other person would change in some way.  Maybe we want them to apologize to us, maybe we want them to reach out, or maybe we want them to change their lifestyle in some way so the relationship can “heal” and things can be back the way they used to be.

It doesn’t work like that.  People are not going to change on your terms.  They are going to change on their own terms.  And though it may be painful to watch sometimes, the most loving thing to do is to let go and allow the person to live, grow, and learn on their own.

PeopleChange

Click to Tweet: People are not going to change on your terms.  They are going to change on their own terms. via @jenilyn8705

#2 – Release it to spirit

Once we’ve been able to recognize our own control patterns, its effective to do some kind of prayer or meditation with the intention to forgive.  Maybe it’s a visualization meditation like my forgiveness meditation in my album Ignite Love from Within.  Or maybe it’s a simple prayer in saying something like:

Spirit of the highest truth and compassion, I’m struggling to forgive [Name] because of [situation].  I have recognized my wrongs in this.  I can see my desire to control and I know that it is no longer serving me or the relationship.  I surrender my control and my desire to forgive to you.  Heal [Name].  Heal me.  Thank you very much.  Amen.

You can tweek the words so that it most resonates with you, but doing some kind of act to surrender and release to spirit/the Universe in some way on a daily basis is what is going to help you truly heal and release your pain and resentments.

Take action now!

If you’re struggling to forgive someone right now, ask yourself: What is my control pattern in this situation?  How am I wanting to control the other person?  How am I controlling?  Share it in the comments below!

Creating Change In Your Life Isn’t Always About “Doing”

The other day I was working with a client who was very frustrated because she felt like she wasn’t making a lot of progress in her life.

“There’s all these things that I know I need to do for myself,” she said, “but I just can’t ever get myself to do it.”

What followed were more self-critical statements and an eventual pause with a look of being completely lost along with the question, “What should I do?”

I paused, took a breath, and sat for a moment trying to find the exact right words for this response.

“Why do you have to do anything?” I said.  She looked at me a little perplexed.

“We live in a society where we’re hardwired to always be ‘doing’ something,” I continued, “but when it comes to something like this I don’t think the healing comes from doing more.  Rather, it’s about being open.”

When we’re stuck in this place where we know we need some kind of growth and healing, we can have a tendency to focus on what we can “do” to “fix” it. 

But the reality is that there is no simple step-by-step to do list to help you “fix” your problem.  There is no “one size fits all” for everyone all the time.

We’re all unique, so we all have our own individual journey and life path.  We just need to be sure to remember this and keep this in mind in order to allow our own unique healing and soul growth to occur.

So what do I mean exactly when I say that we “need to be open”?  Well, being open means being open to…

Guidance. 

Guidance — from spirit, God, the universe, a higher power, or whatever term you want to use — that will lead us to the right people with the right method at the right time that will be able to help you with your own unique situation.

Our felt experience.

To be open to our own emotions and feelings.  When we are sad, upset, or are still holding on to emotional distress from past situation, we have a tendency to repress or dissociate from our experience.  It may be too difficult to feel, so we unconsciously seek alternatives to avoid feeling.  This can cause us to feel depressed, anxious, etc.

So in order to heal and grow its important to be open to slowly and gradually reconnect to our own feelings.  It’s important to allow ourselves to cry, be angry, or whatever.  Being open to our felt experience allows us to reconnect consciously with our own natural flow of emotions and feelings.

The un-doing of our old habits.

We may not be consciously aware of what old habits and ways of being in the world are no longer serving us, but by being open to the un-doing of our habits makes change possible. 

Ultimately, it’s about allowing yourself to be open to change — in whatever way that comes for you — and trusting that what emerges is meant to come up. 

It’s not about trying to control or manipulate the process in some way with your mind (as our ego tends to).  Instead, its about surrendering our desires to control and allowing the process to unfold naturally for us.

OpenToChange

Click to Tweet: Lasting change comes from surrendering our desires to control and allowing the process to unfold naturally. via @jenilyn8705

There are two tools that could really assist you in being open, which include…

Prayer

Prayer or setting an intention at the start of you day is a very simple way to help you live with an “open to change” mindset.  The prayer can be something really simple like, “Spirit, of the highest truth and compassion, I release all of my concerns about _______ to you.  I am open to your guidance and intervention.  Please guide me in this process.  Thank you.”

In any prayer or intention that you want to make, I encourage you to create the wording for yourself because then it will be much more impactful.

Meditation

In meditation, we minimize the power of our ego or fear-based mind and connect to our true selves, which is pure love. 

If you already have some meditations that you really enjoy, then I encourage you to do that.  If not, then I am currently giving away for free my “Healing Blocks to Love” meditation from my new album Ignite Love from Within: Meditations for Creating Relationships and a Life Filled with Love. 

In this meditation, I guide you to identify at least one fear-based thought that is blocking you from love (which, in relation to the topic we’ve been discussing here, could simply be a thought like “I need to control my healing process”).  Then, I guide you through a visualization to release it.  If you’re ready to start creating relationships and a life of love, then click here to grab you copy as my gift to you.

Take action now!

Get out a sheet of paper write out a prayer or intention to state at the start of your day to  help you live with an “open to change” mindset.  Then share it in the comments below!

3 Tips to Find Stress Relief Daily

When many of us are working 9 to 5 jobs and doing other activities on top of that, like taking some classes, doing some extra part-time work, raising kids, or whatever, it’s pretty darn easy to get stressed out.

But, despite how busy we may be, being able to find stress relief is not something that we have no control over.  Creating and maintaining a solid self-care practice can help us go from a stressed out mess to peaceful and going with the flow. 

Here are 3 tips that you can start implementing into your life right now to help you find stress relief daily:

#1 – Meditate at least once daily.

Starting the habit of meditating every day has been such a game changer for me when it comes to managing stress.  I’ve managed to not only feel less susceptible to stress, but I’ve also found myself experiencing even more feelings of joy, gratitude, and happiness.

Making the goal to meditate every day can be quite intimidating at first, especially if you’ve never done it before (I know I was!) but it doesn’t have to be that difficult.  Just as little as 3 minutes a day (or even 1 minute!) can really make a difference.

You can start off by sitting in a chair or on the floor with your back straight and to simply focus on your breath.  You can count your breath and breath in for 3 and exhale for 5. 

Another option could be to say a mantra to yourself.  A very basic mantra could be “So hum”, meaning “I am that”.  That you can repeat to yourself as you breathe, with the “so” on the inhale and “hum” on the exhale.

When doing a mantra, you’re going to notice a lot of thoughts from your “monkey mind” popping up.  When you catch yourself getting distracted by the thoughts, then simply go back to the mantra the second you notice. 

Remember that having the thoughts is normal and part of the process.  The thoughts come up so that you can process them and let them go.  You’re still going to benefit from the meditation whether you have the thoughts or not.  This is very important to remember because I think I a lot of beginners can get hard on themselves for it (including myself), so remember that it’s normal.

Finally, if you don’t like those types of meditations you could also do a guided visualization type of meditation as well.  There are many people out there with copies of guided meditations, myself included.  So if you would like to go that route, grab a copy of my Self and Relationship Healing Meditation if you haven’t yet and get meditating!

#2 – Start each day with an intention to let it all go. 

That person that cut you off on the way to work?  Let it go.  That very traumatic story that someone told you?  Let it go.  That person who yelled at you and flipped you the bird?  Let it go.

By holding on to the things that have happened to us we create this inner distress and tension within ourselves.  This doesn’t serve us and it only causes us unnecessary suffering.

One of the keys I think in letting go regularly is to live every day remembering this one main concept: If it isn’t happening, right here, right now in this very present moment then it doesn’t matter.

StressReliefPresentMoment

Click to Tweet: If it isn’t happening, right here, right now in this present moment then it doesn’t really matter. via @jenilyn8705

It doesn’t matter that you couldn’t get out of your parking job 2 hours ago, because that was 2 hours ago.  It doesn’t matter that you dropped a jar of spaghetti sauce walking out of the grocery store because that was 20 minutes ago.  And it doesn’t even matter that you need to call your doctor about some test results on Monday because it’s currently Friday night you won’t be able to do it until then anyway.

When we shift our mindsets to focusing on present moment, we can let go of all the stuff we think we have to stress about now — but it truly doesn’t matter in this very moment.

#3 – Move it!

Sometimes stressful things happen that shift us into “fight or flight” mode and it can throw us off for the entire day if we don’t know how to deal with it.

Let me let you in on something when it comes to fight or flight: We all experience it — and I don’t mean just humans, but animals too. 

Have you ever seen two ducks get into a fight?  They’ll beat on each other.  Maybe even look like the one is going to actually kill the other.  But, eventually, they break away.  They go separate ways and fly or maybe flap their wings rigorously a few times and then they’re back to floating around on the water all peacefully, calm and content.

They don’t think about how that other duck pissed them off 2 hours after the fact or the one doesn’t try to “get back” at the other in some way.  They just let it go and get back to their own business.

If you really stop and watch sometime (which I encourage you to do), all animals do this in their own unique ways.  But there’s something you’ll notice across the board:  They all move.

So when someone upsets you, pisses you off, or gets you all worked up then be sure to move.  Take a walk.  Jump around.  Flap your arms.  Stomp your feet.  Do whatever it is that you feel can help you let go of all that tension in your body.

Take action now!

Out of the three tips I’ve listed above, which one are you going to start doing today?  Share it in the comments below!

Releasing Resentments and Opening Up to Love

A while back I found myself in a not-so-happy place for a few days.

My work at my counseling job was extra stressful, I had multiple things at home that needed to be done that weren’t, and my boyfriend and I weren’t quite understanding each other with certain things.

For the most part, this wasn’t really bothering me that much until a few situations at work happened and I found myself in argument with my boyfriend.  It was then that I found myself all pent up with anger and resentment towards my boyfriend and certain people for several days.  I just couldn’t find a way to shake it.

It was kind of a weird experience for me, as this was the first time in a long time that I found myself stuck in a state of resentment. I had been discussing conflicts in my personal and professional life as they arose in therapy for a few months.  Though I would feel hurt, I was always somehow able to let it go.

But this time, resentment was totally there and nothing was shaking it.  I was mad — and there was a part of me that was determined to not let it go without hearing a very sincere apology from a few people.

After about a day or so, I realized that, realistically, I was never going to get a full apology.  And, despite this realization, my resentment was still there.  If anything it made me even more angry.

As a result, I turned to meditation.  It had been treating me well for my overall well-being, and though I wasn’t sure how it was really going to help me with this whole resentment thing, I figured I’d try it out.

That late morning, I looked on my phone and dug out a guided meditation that was focused on forgiveness.  The meditation involved envisioning the person that you want to forgive and then stating the intention in your mind multiple times that you are willing to forgive them and release them from your resentments.  The meditation then concluded with envisioning yourself and the person being engulfed by this white light of love.

So I sat down, put in my earbuds, and started the guided meditation.  I went through the visualizations and started reciting the intentions to forgive in my mind multiple times.

As I was doing the guided meditation I found myself still completely engulfed in feelings of resentment.

Thoughts of “Agh that jerk was so mean” and “How can I ever forgive them?” ran through my mind.  This all then followed up with a thought of “How can this meditation possibly be working if I’m still feeling this resentful and angry while doing the meditation?  I really don’t see how this is going to work.”

When the meditation ended I didn’t even think about it again — my meditation experience, the people that angered me, and the things I was resentful for.  I just dropped it all right there and got back to doing what I had been doing before I meditated.

Later that afternoon I found myself with several pleasant surprises.  My counseling clients were surprisingly upbeat, happy and enjoying life — which, for some, was the total opposite of how they normally were in our sessions.  My co-workers were all pleasant and not even remotely stressed, through my perception.

And, finally, when I saw my boyfriend we hugged each other and talked as if no conflicts had ever happened between us in the past few days.  We were both open, compassionate, and loving toward each other.

It was then that I stopped for a moment and checked in with myself.  I felt no resentment at all — Nadda!  Zilch!

I was happy, content, peaceful, and open to receiving and experiencing love.

Somehow — without any logical explanation whatsoever — the meditation worked!

Whenever the words “forgiveness” or “letting go” comes up, we often think of it as being such a difficult and challenging thing.  “I don’t know how to do that” or “That’s hard to do” are often thoughts that come in our minds.

But the truth is, forgiveness doesn’t have to be complicated — nor does releasing our anger and resentments have to be complicated.

What it ultimately boils down to is our willingness release it and heal.

We are able to forgive and open ourselves to love when we make the intention to forgive, let it go, and heal.

It is through our intention — not our thought processes — that healing can occur.

IntentionHealing

Click to Tweet: It is through our intention — not our thought processes — that healing can occur. via @jenilyn8705

The reason many of us can find ourselves struggling to forgive is because we get all caught up in our mind chatter or ego.  We keep the recording of all the bad things someone did to us playing in our minds on repeat.  All the things they said, all the things they did, and how they didn’t make us happy because of X.

This mind chatter keeps us in a place of suffering and it makes us think that forgiveness has to be long and difficult process — but doesn’t have to be.  All we have to do is to have the intention and willingness to truly forgive.  Once we make the intention and are open and willing, the rest will take care of itself.

So if you are struggling to forgive someone and let go, simply make the intention despite all that mind chatter.  Then trust that through that intention you will be freed of your resentments and opened up to love.

In the comments below, share with me one person that you are feeling resentful towards.  Then make the intention to let it go! 🙂

10 Ways to Let Go of Painful Relationships

When we are in a place of recovering from a painful relationship, finding a way to let go can be challenging.  Here are 10 ways to let go over painful relationships:

#1 – Reflect on what the relationship taught you.

Get out a pen and paper or journal and reflect on what you learned from this experience.  What are some things you learned from this experience that you will now start doing in your future relationships because of this experience?  What did you learn about yourself while in this relationship?

#2 – Write a letter to honor the relationship.

One of the best ways to process the ending of a relationship is to write a letter to the person.  Pour your heart out and write it all down on paper.  But there’s one trick here: Don’t send the letter.  Often when a relationship has ended we tend to be in this place of “Maybe if I say X, Y, Z, then I can fix it!”  This is just our ego or fear-based mind putting us into a panic by making us think we may not find something better.  Which leads me to my next point…

#3 – Recognize your own irrational fears.

As I just stated, when a relationship has recently ended we may tend to get caught up in fears of “I won’t find something better”.  This is just an irrational fear caused by our ego or fear-based mind.  It is not real, rational, or the truth in any way.   So when you notice these fears come up, simply recognize them and let them be.  Don’t dwell on them.  Simply recognize them for what they truly are: Just a fear, not truth.

#4 – Take care of you.

Make it a goal to be your own best friend.  Buy yourself or cook yourself your favorite meal, spend a night curled up with a great book or watching your favorite movie, and go out with supportive friends.  Make you and your well-being your #1 priority.

#5 – Visualize yourself empowered and happy.

Take some time to envision yourself a few months down the road.  You are feeling happy and empowered.  When visualizing, ask yourself: What am I doing in my life?  What am I doing differently that is causing me to feel so happy?  How am I acting differently that is causing me to feel so empowered?

#6 – Accept where you are in the present moment.

So this means: Take down old pictures, delete phone numbers, hide old e-mails, and maybe even hide someone from your facebook feed.  Also, if this is an ex, do not contact them for at least 60 days.  Those first 60 days are the most crucial time for you to focus on you rather than them.

#7 – Give yourself gifts for making progress.

Did you delete the phone number?  Then take yourself to the spa or sauna.  Have you not contacted him for 2 weeks?  Go out and get a nice dinner.  Did you take down all the pictures?  Get a manicure or pedicure.

#8 – Let yourself cry.

Whenever you find yourself upset or sad about what happened, just let yourself cry.  Don’t hold it in.  Don’t try to rationalize it.  Just cry.  If it emerges, just let it out.  You’ll feel better.

#9 – Meditate.

When we have recently let go of a painful relationship, it is likely that we may find our minds in a state of “overdrive”.  We may find ourselves constant thinking about the “what ifs” and feel guilty for X, Y, and Z.  Take about 5-10 minutes twice a day to stop and meditate.  It doesn’t have to be really complicated.  Just a simple meditation where you focus on your breath, do a mantra, or follow a guided meditation is suffice.  Doing so will help you not only quiet your overactive mind, but also help you calm down your entire being.

#10 – Find a creative outlet.

Finding a creative outlet to process your emotions can be very beneficial when we’ve just let go of a painful relationship.  So start writing regularly either in the form of a journal or through poetry.  Blogging could also be an option.  Other options could be: painting, drawing, doing crafts, sewing, and so on.  Another creative outlet could be dance, which would involve both creativity and physical activity.  Whatever it is, find a creative outlet that you enjoy and that you feel called to do during this time.

Ultimately, remember this: Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Be willing to let go. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself to heal.

BePatientAndCompassionate

Click to Tweet: Be patient and compassionate with yourself. Be willing to let go. That’s the best thing you can do for yourself to heal. via @jenilyn8705

In the comments below, share with me one thing from the list above that you are going to do to help you let go of a painful relationship.  If you are currently not needing to let go of a painful relationship, then share with in the comments below what you did to help yourself let go.

5 Steps to Manifest New Love in Your Life

With this new year just starting out, many of us are looking for ways in how to improve our level of happiness and fulfillment from last year to this year.

If you’re single, you may be asking yourself: What do I need to do to a new romantic partner this year?  On the other hand, if you’re already in a relationship, you may be asking yourself: What can I do to deepen my relationship in a way so that I can experience more love?

Regardless if you’re in a relationship or not, these 5 steps to manifest new love in your life will be beneficial to you.  Here are the 5 steps:

#1  Release past resentments.

Are you holding any grudges towards your current partner or a past one?  Are you still disappointed over some actions made?  Are you still bitter in any way?  If so, give yourself the intention to let it go.

Once you’ve recognized any past resentments that you have been holding on to.  Make the conscious effort to forgive.  Sit quietly and do a short guided visualization where you send the person some light and love.  Do this periodically until you feel that there are little to no “hard feelings” left.

#2 Do loving things for you.

Is there something that you’ve been needing lately that you’ve been putting off cause you’ve been subconsciously telling yourself “I don’t deserve it?”  For example: Have you known that you need to go to the dentist but you’ve been putting it off forever?  Have you realized that you need to make a diet or lifestyle change but you keep shoving it in the back of your mind?  Have you been feeling like you’ve been needing some support from a therapist or coach but you’ve been putting it off for months?

Whatever it is, make plans to do it!  We can’t experience our highest level of fulfillment of love in our relationships with others until we have chosen to love ourselves 100%.  Know that you deserve it — and make it happen!

LoveOurselves100

Click to Tweet: We can’t experience our highest level of fulfillment of love in our relationships with others until we love ourselves 100%. @jenilyn8705

#3  Have fun!

When we are having fun and enjoy the things we do, we not only make ourselves feel better but we also brighten other people’s day as well.  And, as a result, we end up attracting more people to us!

So do the things that you love to do.  Do things that brighten up your being.  Do things that give you joy.  Even if it is just the little things like going to a cafe that you really enjoy or dancing more because it makes you feel alive.  Find ways to more enjoy your life and then do it!

#4  Take moments to connect to and visualize what you really want to experience.

What kind of partner do you want to have in your life?  What is it that you want to feel while in your relationship?  Whatever it is that you want to experience, close your eyes and take the time visualize it in your mind’s eye for short periods of time throughout your day.

That being said, if you are not completely sure as to what kind of partner you’d like or how you’d want to feel, this simple meditation can certainly do the trick:  Close your eyes and take deep breaths.  In your mind’s eye visualize your partner or your future partner and yourself.  Visualize this person coming from a distance as a bright being of light.  As this person comes closer to you, you recognize that you yourself are a strong being of bright light as well.  When this person comes close to you you realize that you are both two whole beings.  Complete in yourselves and equal to one another.  There is a mutual sense of balance, love, and light between the two of you.

Do this meditation periodically.  It is meant to help you enter into any of your romantic encounters with a sense of equality, strength, and genuine love, which has a tendency to become hindered and distorted by our egos.

#5  Trust and believe that it will happen!

When we don’t trust and believe in what we can create for ourselves, this is when we tend to experience emotions like worry and anxiety.  Try to be mindful and aware whenever these emotions come up.  If you feel doubt and, hence, a sense of worry come in then simply be aware of it.  Don’t try to ignore it or push it away.  Just let it be.  Then focus on trusting and believing that it will and can happen for you!

Many of us tend to self-sabotage ourselves with our own doubt.  We get a good momentum going but our ego comes in and fills us with doubt, which then stops us in our tracks.

When we focus and put more energy and attention into what we truly desire to manifest, then we increase the chances of it actually happening.  So trust, believe, and, of course, be patient.

Take action now!

What past resentments do you still need to let go and heal from?  What actions can you take or plans that you can make to better love yourself?  How can you start having more fun in your life today?  Share your answers in the comments below!

Lesson on Forgiveness: Recreate Your View of the Past

A few years ago, I went through a very challenging relationship.  The relationship was “on again off again” and involved a fair amount of yelling and boundaries being crossed.

Even though the relationship only lasted four months, it was certainly one of the most stressful, difficult, and emotionally taxing relationships I had ever experienced.

For nearly three years after that relationship ended, I found myself re-experiencing the emotions from that time over and over again.  Feelings of anger for what happened, feelings of sadness for trying so hard to make things work, and feelings of being used and disrespected.

I never knew when the feelings would come back, but every time they did a big wave of feelings that would consume my energy for several hours or days.  I could feel that 24 year old young woman who so desperately wanted to feel respected, loved and supported, but it all seemed out of reach despite all her efforts.

Until there came a point when I found myself consumed by the memories and feelings once again, and I realized how much these past experiences were holding me back from the present.  In that moment, I realized that the reason I still had unhealed feelings was not because of the experience itself, but my own perception of that past experience.

The problem was that I was still heavily associating this past experience with all the pain from that time and the bitter resentments that I still felt the need to hold on to.  When, instead, all I needed to do was step outside of my own limited experience, look at the whole situation objectively from a bird’s eye view, and allow myself to see both of us through eyes of pure love and compassion.  It was a matter of clearly seeing us both for our ego-driven mistakes and how we had hurt each other rather than how he hurt me.

This mindset shift may be seen as forgiveness, but it goes a step beyond what we commonly believe forgiveness to be.  This is because it is a total shift in our perception from our own limited view of ourselves and it takes us into a more collective view.  It allows us to see how we are all connected as one and how we impact one another through our oneness.

So how can we begin the journey of making the mindset shift needed in order to truly and fully forgive?  The following are steps that you can do anytime that you feel that you need to practice forgiveness.

Step 1:  Be still and look inward.

To get started, you want to be sure that you sit down in a quite location where you won’t be disturbed for a long period of time.  This may be in a quiet room in your house or apartment, a beach, the mountains, or any location in nature that is fairly secluded.  If you are indoors, you may want to consider playing some nature or meditation music.

Step 2: Recall a painful memory.

As you sit still for a moment, allow a painful memory to arise.  It may be one that you were thinking of before doing this exercise or it could be one that popped in your head in the moment that you sat down and got still.

Step 3: Write (or Draw)!

Grab a pen and paper or journal and write out any thoughts, feelings, and images that come up as you remember this memory.  You may also want to use crayons, colored pencils or pastels to express any images that come to you.

It doesn’t matter if you write and not draw or draw and not write, as long as you do the one you feel most comfortable with.  As you write or draw, allow yourself to relive as much as you feel is needed so you can fully “paint a picture” of your past experience.

Step 4: Reflect on your impact.

After you have finished processing your memory, turn the table how you have impacted the situation by asking yourself the following questions:  How did I cause the other person pain?  How did my own ego-driven blocks make the situation difficult for them?

Allow yourself to really step outside of yourself and look at the situation from the other person’s point of view.  Or, if that is too challenging, focus on looking at the situation from an objective “bird’s eye” point of view.

Step 5: Send them some light and love.

Once you have finished writing and processing, sit back and take the time to do a short visualization meditation.  Allow yourself to be still and focus on your breath.  Visualize yourself breathing in white light down through the top of your head and exhaling it out through your heart.

As you breath, visualize this white light surrounding you.  The light protects you, supports you, and provides you with compassion and love.

When you feel comforted and calm, visualize the person that you are trying to forgive right in front of you.  As you are exhaling the white light out through your heart, send some of this white light out to this person on each exhale.  Continue to do this until you see the other person fully encompassed in this white light.

When you see the other person completely surrounded by this white light, mentally say to them, “I forgive you”.  Continue to mentally say this with each exhale.

When you feel complete, tell them goodbye and send them on their way.  Then take the time to bathe in the white light yourself.  Mentally say to yourself, “I forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made.  I love myself.”

Once this meditation is complete, take the time to reflect and journal on your experience.  Write down any thoughts or feelings that came up.

Making this mindset shift can be very challenging at first.  You can do this activity for several days or weeks in order to better embody this mindset shift of forgiveness.

Above all, remember that forgiveness is a journey.  There is no switch that we can flip and it all suddenly goes away.  It is only with time, effort, practice, and dedication that we can allow ourselves to fully see our past experiences with love and compassion.

ForgivenessLesson

Take action now!

Go through the steps I listed for a person from your past.   How was the experience for you?  Share it in the comments below!

5 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before a First Date

First dates can be pretty nerve-racking.  We can find ourselves plagued with fears and worries cause we don’t know what to really expect.

We experience fears of saying the wrong thing, of being rejected, and of, simply, just messing things up early on when we don’t really intend to.  We may be in a place where we’ve been disappointed and have experienced a lot of heartbreak in the past so we just really want to be sure that this time we do things the right way.

So in order to tone down those first-date jitters, here are 5 questions you must ask yourself before you go on that first date:

Am I limiting myself with expectations?

So are you going into this first date with these expectations that he needs to be “tall, dark, and handsome”, making at least $100,000 a year, and/or work out at least 5 days a week?

The trouble with having all these expectations is that we start judging and rating the person based on all these superficial things rather than who the person truly is.  And, frankly, who the person truly is deep down is ultimately going to impact your relationship and potential marriage with them so much more then all of those other things.  All of those things can easily change and evolve in time but who the person is and how you connect with them is the only thing that’s sustainable.

So if you find yourself with some of these expectations, then be aware of them and make the conscious effort to go in with an open mind — all expectations aside.

first date

Click to Tweet: The less we expect, the more we allow ourselves to truly enjoy the other person. via @jenilyn8705

Am I coming in with an open heart?

Is this your first date after your divorce or a major breakup?  Is a good portion of your day still spent thinking about your ex?  If so, then you probably want to take some time to really try to heal and let things go before the first date.

Frankly, its not really going to be fair for the person you are going on a date with if your still all bitter over “that-loser-ex-boyfriend”.  If you’re still hung up, you are not going to be as open and present with the person you are going out with.  They could find themselves more investing in the relationship later on then you are, or you could find yourself bringing unnecessarily baggage into the new relationship that is just going to cause problems.

It’s better to simply take personal responsibility for your own broken heart and do what you need to do to heal and let things go.  If you find it challenging or if you feel you may bring in some of this baggage into the new relationship, then simply be open and honest and tell your new love interest so they know what’s going on.

Am I looking for someone to complete me?

So are you on a rebound and just wanting this new guy to fill that void in your heart from your heartbreak?  Are you simply bored with life and want someone to give you the love and happiness that you desire?

Here’s a newsflash: The only person who can give you the love that you truly desire is you.  Nobody or nothing else.  Just you.

So be sure that you have things in your life that you find love, joy, and happiness from.  Maybe it’s a group of friends, a class your taking that you’re passionate about, a new project, or your job.  Find something — and even if you don’t really love something that you’re doing in your life for yourself right now then find something that you can really infuse love into.

The more you create love in various aspects of your life, then the more attractive you will be, which, in turn, will create more love in any new relationship you pursue.

Do I really love myself?

Do you see yourself as attractive?  Do you feel confident in your own skin?  Do you acknowledge your own needs?  Do you focus on your own self-care?

If your hesitant about expressing your true self to the world, you don’t feel that you’re very attractive, and your not sure what your own needs are then being in a relationship is only going to make things more difficult.

Start up a self-care routine — start doing yoga regularly, work out, be in-tune with your body to know when you need to rest or not, eat healthier, wear cute dresses so you feel more attractive, or get a haircut or try a new hairstyle.  Focus on doing things to really love and take care of you. 

Who am I?  (or  the better question: Who do I really want to be in life?)

What are your interests?  What are you passionate about?  Who do you see yourself as being 10, 20, or 30 years from now?  Are your actions today in alignment with that vision?  If not, then it’s time to make some changes so that this new potential love interest can see just how amazing you really are.

Take action now!

Get out a journal or sheet of paper ask yourself all of these 5 questions.  Write down any thoughts you have regarding any of these questions.  Which one of these five questions do you feel you need the most work on?  (and, trust me, regardless of how much work you have done there will be at least ONE of these questions that you need work on!).  Share it in the comments below!