Tag Archives: expectations

3 Keys to Manifesting a Healthy and Loving Relationship

We all want a healthy and loving relationship.  You know, a relationship filled with compassion, affection, and acceptance.  A relationship where there is respect.

Whether you are single or not, the desire, to some degree, is likely there.  Unfortunately for many of us, even if we are married or in a relationship we can find ourselves wishing that the relationship was different in some ways.  We may feel that the “spark” has gone away and we wish we could find it again. 

Fortunately, regardless of our relationship status, we can give our relationships a “tune up” when we stop to look within ourselves and consciously choose to make some inner shifts.  Here are 3 keys to manifesting a healthy and loving relationship in your life:

#1 – Have an amazing relationship with yourself

If you hate being alone and you’re self-worth is determined by how active your social life is, then you’re going to be giving off a “I need you to validate my self-worth” kind of vibe when out on a date.  If, on the other hand, you enjoy spending time with yourself and feel totally comfortable in your own shoes, then you’re going to be giving off a “I feel comfortable with myself” kind of vibe.

Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that if you do hate being alone and have a low self-worth that you’re not going to find a boyfriend.  The truth is that you probably would.  However, there would be one big problem: The guy has equally as low of a self-worth as you.  Which, would then create a relationship where both people need the other person to validate their own self-worth.

It’s a foundation built on sand — and it’s certainly not where one wants to be if they truly want a healthy and loving relationship.

So get comfortable in your own shoes.  Spend time with yourself.  Take yourself on dates.  Go to the movies, go to dinner or take a mini-vacation with yourself. 

Treat your body well by exercising and eating healthy.  Do activities that you enjoy doing.  Give yourself things that you know you need.

When we become masters of our own self-care, we are giving ourselves the love that we truly deserve.  So focus on doing amazing things for you, so you can have a great relationship with yourself.  It will help in manifesting that healthy and loving relationship you desire.

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Click to Tweet: When we become masters of our own self-care, we are giving ourselves the love that we truly deserve. via @jenilyn8705

#2 – Believe that you deserve it

Many of us want a healthy and loving relationship, but, deep down, we don’t believe that we truly deserve it.  Or, we may even think that it’s not possible for us.  Unfortunately, this prevents us from making any kind of progress in getting that loving relationship.

So if you find yourself struggling to believe that you truly deserve it, make a commitment to reframing that mindset.

One way to do this is by saying affirmations.  Every morning or night you can spend some time standing in front of the mirror and stating out loud, “I deserve a healthy and loving relationship”.  Say this 10 times in the morning and 10 times at night for at least 30 days.  You may not notice the shifts right away, but over time you’ll notice a shift.

#3 – Ditch the checklist and, instead, connect with how you want to feel

We all hold expectations.  If you’re single and dating, it may be an expectation that the person you date has a nice car and isn’t working in retail.  If you’re in a relationship, the expectation may be that you want your guy to clean the dishes after he uses them.

When we get ourselves caught up in such expectations it’s like we are creating for ourselves an internal “checklist”.  We have a list in our minds of things that we want and “need” in order to be happy and fulfilled in the relationship.

Unfortunately, these “checklists” take us out of the experience.  It takes us out of what is happening in the moment in your relationship with this other person and, instead, focused on what the person is or isn’t doing.  It’s a way of rating or judging the moment, which blocks us from truly connecting with the other person and experiencing love.

So the key here is that rather than focus on the “checklist” or expectations, we must focus on how it is that we want to feel in the relationship.  Do you want to feel love in your relationship to this other person?  Joy?  Happiness?  A sense of calm?  A place of comfort in their presence?  How do you want to feel in being in the relationship?

When we focus on how it is that we want to feel rather than on the surface-level details, we can find that what we thought we needed, we don’t really “need” after all.  We realize that the “needs” were all arbitrary — and they weren’t helping us get what we truly wanted, which is love.  Rather, they blocked it.

So let go of your “checklist” of expectations and sit back and ask yourself: How do I want to feel?  And then connect to that feeling.  Feel it within your own being and carry it with you throughout the day.  And, eventually, your relationships will start to reflect your internal state.

Take action now!

In the comments below, share with me how you want to feel in your relationship.  Or, if you’re not in a relationship now, share with me how you desire to feel.

The Key to Finding Emotional Support in Your Relationships

This article was originally published at HavingTime.com.

Throughout my teens and early 20s I often found myself drained and unfulfilled in my relationships.  I often felt like I was giving more than what I was receiving.  I often felt like I was the one searching for more connections and trying deepen and make them more, well, real.

I had a constant yearning for real intimacy, closeness, and emotional support.  I read tons of self-help books, went to therapy, and was always open to a variety of interests, hobbies, and views so I could make new friends to see if I could find anything “different”.

Despite all my efforts, I found myself feeling very frustrated and alone.  I experienced several spouts of some really unpleasant depression in the moments where I felt most emotionally unsupported.

I had absolutely no idea what I had to do or change in order to turn things around.  I had no idea what I had to do to get this emotional support that my heart had been yearning for.

That is, until a few years ago where I finally came to major (and difficult) realization that has completely changed the course of my relationships.  It is the idea that: Everyone, in this present moment, is doing the absolute best that they can do.

This can be a pretty tough pill to swallow — and it can also be a difficult concept to fully understand, so allow me to explain…

Everyone is doing the best that they can do right now given their present circumstances.  Every person’s upbringing, culture, life experiences, their health (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual), and so on is exactly what has lead them to be the person that they are today.

Yes, everyone also has personal responsibility for themselves.  Everyone has the free will to educate themselves and make better choices in their lives.  However, given their current level of consciousness (or self-awareness) everyone is, in fact, doing the best that they can do.

And so, considering that concept, is it truly fair to be holding a higher expectation of someone when they are already doing the best that they can do?  Is it fair to be wishing a friend would be more emotionally supportive of you when this friend has had no life experience to teach him or her how to even give emotional support?

This is where most of us find ourselves disappointed and unfulfilled: We hold a higher expectation of others than what they are able to actually give.  We can’t be disappointed without expectation, so it’s important to be aware of the expectations that we have for others and to be willing to let them go.

Now, of course, this doesn’t mean to have no standards at all.  I don’t mean to ignore your desire to have emotional support. It’s incredibly important to acknowledge your own feelings.  But what I’m saying is to let go of the expectation for the person in your life who you wish would do it but has shown you that they are simply unable to give it to you.

For instance, if your grandmother has never been the kind of person to give you a shoulder to cry on, then let go of the expectation that one day she will.  Let go of the hope that she will change and someday give you want you want.

Instead, acknowledge your inner need and look for it in other places.  Make new friends, move to a different area, join different groups where you hold a common interest — do whatever you can to find the people in your life that are in the place that can give you what you need rather than expecting that those who can’t will one day give it to you.

When we let go of the expectations that we hold towards others and accept them for who they truly are, we open ourselves to the opportunity to find people in our life who can provide us with the emotional support that we know we deserve.

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Tweet: When we let go of expectations & accept people for who they truly are, we allow ourselves to have the relationships we desire. @jenilyn8705

Take action now!

How are others disappointing you?  What expectations are you currently holding towards the people in your life that are disappointing you?  What is it that you feel you need to let go?  Share your thoughts in the comments below!

5 Questions You Must Ask Yourself Before a First Date

First dates can be pretty nerve-racking.  We can find ourselves plagued with fears and worries cause we don’t know what to really expect.

We experience fears of saying the wrong thing, of being rejected, and of, simply, just messing things up early on when we don’t really intend to.  We may be in a place where we’ve been disappointed and have experienced a lot of heartbreak in the past so we just really want to be sure that this time we do things the right way.

So in order to tone down those first-date jitters, here are 5 questions you must ask yourself before you go on that first date:

Am I limiting myself with expectations?

So are you going into this first date with these expectations that he needs to be “tall, dark, and handsome”, making at least $100,000 a year, and/or work out at least 5 days a week?

The trouble with having all these expectations is that we start judging and rating the person based on all these superficial things rather than who the person truly is.  And, frankly, who the person truly is deep down is ultimately going to impact your relationship and potential marriage with them so much more then all of those other things.  All of those things can easily change and evolve in time but who the person is and how you connect with them is the only thing that’s sustainable.

So if you find yourself with some of these expectations, then be aware of them and make the conscious effort to go in with an open mind — all expectations aside.

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Click to Tweet: The less we expect, the more we allow ourselves to truly enjoy the other person. via @jenilyn8705

Am I coming in with an open heart?

Is this your first date after your divorce or a major breakup?  Is a good portion of your day still spent thinking about your ex?  If so, then you probably want to take some time to really try to heal and let things go before the first date.

Frankly, its not really going to be fair for the person you are going on a date with if your still all bitter over “that-loser-ex-boyfriend”.  If you’re still hung up, you are not going to be as open and present with the person you are going out with.  They could find themselves more investing in the relationship later on then you are, or you could find yourself bringing unnecessarily baggage into the new relationship that is just going to cause problems.

It’s better to simply take personal responsibility for your own broken heart and do what you need to do to heal and let things go.  If you find it challenging or if you feel you may bring in some of this baggage into the new relationship, then simply be open and honest and tell your new love interest so they know what’s going on.

Am I looking for someone to complete me?

So are you on a rebound and just wanting this new guy to fill that void in your heart from your heartbreak?  Are you simply bored with life and want someone to give you the love and happiness that you desire?

Here’s a newsflash: The only person who can give you the love that you truly desire is you.  Nobody or nothing else.  Just you.

So be sure that you have things in your life that you find love, joy, and happiness from.  Maybe it’s a group of friends, a class your taking that you’re passionate about, a new project, or your job.  Find something — and even if you don’t really love something that you’re doing in your life for yourself right now then find something that you can really infuse love into.

The more you create love in various aspects of your life, then the more attractive you will be, which, in turn, will create more love in any new relationship you pursue.

Do I really love myself?

Do you see yourself as attractive?  Do you feel confident in your own skin?  Do you acknowledge your own needs?  Do you focus on your own self-care?

If your hesitant about expressing your true self to the world, you don’t feel that you’re very attractive, and your not sure what your own needs are then being in a relationship is only going to make things more difficult.

Start up a self-care routine — start doing yoga regularly, work out, be in-tune with your body to know when you need to rest or not, eat healthier, wear cute dresses so you feel more attractive, or get a haircut or try a new hairstyle.  Focus on doing things to really love and take care of you. 

Who am I?  (or  the better question: Who do I really want to be in life?)

What are your interests?  What are you passionate about?  Who do you see yourself as being 10, 20, or 30 years from now?  Are your actions today in alignment with that vision?  If not, then it’s time to make some changes so that this new potential love interest can see just how amazing you really are.

Take action now!

Get out a journal or sheet of paper ask yourself all of these 5 questions.  Write down any thoughts you have regarding any of these questions.  Which one of these five questions do you feel you need the most work on?  (and, trust me, regardless of how much work you have done there will be at least ONE of these questions that you need work on!).  Share it in the comments below!

The Mindset Shift that Will Drastically Change Your Relationships Forever

Relationships are challenging, if not one of the most challenging things we ever experience.

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We can all think of at least one relationship we’ve had where we experienced struggle, heartache, disappointment, stress, and pain in our own unique way.

Though relationships are very complex, there is one realization that I made about a year ago that forever changed the way I viewed and acted in relationships. As a result, my relationships have been much more fulfilling and much less stressful.

The realization?

To completely accept people as they are in that present moment.

So what does that mean? Well, for starters it means to not expect someone to do something that they are not completely capable of. For instance, my boyfriend is much more logical and rational than I am. He is driven for data and using concrete systems. I, on the other hand, am much more driven by emotions. I’m naturally empathetic and I can’t do something if I don’t “feel” a drive to do it. So whenever there is a conflict, should I hold an expectation that he needs to develop his empathy and emotional connection? No. He is at his own unique stage of development and I am at my own unique stage. He has his strengths and weaknesses and I have mine.

Now lets go a next step deeper. Lets say I have a co-worker who is still fairly a new acquaintance but we’re beginning to develop more of a friendship. I bring up a topic that is of interest to me, like going to a yin yang yoga class. He responds with, “Oh, you’re interested in THAT…” and then seems to label me as being some sort of “new age freak” though he didn’t directly say that.

Habitually I feel the urge to do the exact thing that I do in all of my relationships: I feel disappointed, rejected, and maybe a bit of an urge to get defensive and “try to teach him”. I may also feel the need to hide this layer of myself just so I can avoid any future judgement or criticism.

But this time it’s different.  This time I simply recognize the state he is in, accept that in this present moment we are at two different stages and let it be. I don’t expect him to understand or change anything about himself right now. Rather, I may just casually back away from the relationship a bit and act accordingly knowing that, at this point in time, we are not equals.

The struggle many of us have in our relationships, deep down, is that we hope that every person we get relatively close to understands us perfectly 100% of the time and is our perfect equal, but it’s just not realistic. We are all constantly changing, evolving, and growing in our own unique ways. Seasons change and so do people. The moment that can be fully recognized and accepted is the moment when we completely change the course of all our future relationships.

Begin this shift TODAY!

Ask yourself: What have I been expecting in my relationships only to be let down time and time again?  Realistically, what is each person’s strengths or weaknesses at this time?  What ARE they capable of and how can I appreciate that?