Tag Archives: disappointment

The Key to Finding Emotional Support in Your Relationships

This article was originally published at HavingTime.com.

Throughout my teens and early 20s I often found myself drained and unfulfilled in my relationships.  I often felt like I was giving more than what I was receiving.  I often felt like I was the one searching for more connections and trying deepen and make them more, well, real.

I had a constant yearning for real intimacy, closeness, and emotional support.  I read tons of self-help books, went to therapy, and was always open to a variety of interests, hobbies, and views so I could make new friends to see if I could find anything “different”.

Despite all my efforts, I found myself feeling very frustrated and alone.  I experienced several spouts of some really unpleasant depression in the moments where I felt most emotionally unsupported.

I had absolutely no idea what I had to do or change in order to turn things around.  I had no idea what I had to do to get this emotional support that my heart had been yearning for.

That is, until a few years ago where I finally came to major (and difficult) realization that has completely changed the course of my relationships.  It is the idea that: Everyone, in this present moment, is doing the absolute best that they can do.

This can be a pretty tough pill to swallow — and it can also be a difficult concept to fully understand, so allow me to explain…

Everyone is doing the best that they can do right now given their present circumstances.  Every person’s upbringing, culture, life experiences, their health (mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual), and so on is exactly what has lead them to be the person that they are today.

Yes, everyone also has personal responsibility for themselves.  Everyone has the free will to educate themselves and make better choices in their lives.  However, given their current level of consciousness (or self-awareness) everyone is, in fact, doing the best that they can do.

And so, considering that concept, is it truly fair to be holding a higher expectation of someone when they are already doing the best that they can do?  Is it fair to be wishing a friend would be more emotionally supportive of you when this friend has had no life experience to teach him or her how to even give emotional support?

This is where most of us find ourselves disappointed and unfulfilled: We hold a higher expectation of others than what they are able to actually give.  We can’t be disappointed without expectation, so it’s important to be aware of the expectations that we have for others and to be willing to let them go.

Now, of course, this doesn’t mean to have no standards at all.  I don’t mean to ignore your desire to have emotional support. It’s incredibly important to acknowledge your own feelings.  But what I’m saying is to let go of the expectation for the person in your life who you wish would do it but has shown you that they are simply unable to give it to you.

For instance, if your grandmother has never been the kind of person to give you a shoulder to cry on, then let go of the expectation that one day she will.  Let go of the hope that she will change and someday give you want you want.

Instead, acknowledge your inner need and look for it in other places.  Make new friends, move to a different area, join different groups where you hold a common interest — do whatever you can to find the people in your life that are in the place that can give you what you need rather than expecting that those who can’t will one day give it to you.

When we let go of the expectations that we hold towards others and accept them for who they truly are, we open ourselves to the opportunity to find people in our life who can provide us with the emotional support that we know we deserve.

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Tweet: When we let go of expectations & accept people for who they truly are, we allow ourselves to have the relationships we desire. @jenilyn8705

Take action now!

How are others disappointing you?  What expectations are you currently holding towards the people in your life that are disappointing you?  What is it that you feel you need to let go?  Share your thoughts in the comments below!

3 Things to Remember When You’ve Been Screwed Over

At some point in our lives, in some way or another, we have all been screwed over by someone else.  Maybe it was by an ex or a friend.  Maybe it was by a colleague or classmate.  Maybe it was even by a family member or a roommate.

Regardless of your relationship to the person, being screwed over by someone can really, well, suck.  We have placed our trust in this person and, somehow, they have let us down.  They have done the thing that we didn’t think they would’ve done.  As a result, we feel hurt, angry, and, overall, betrayed.

Dealing with these emotions aren’t always the easiest thing.  We can find ourselves caught up in these emotional responses — and so, as a result, we unable to think clearly about the reality of our situation.  So here are things to remember when you’ve been screwed over by someone:

Revenge may not always be the best option.

When these types of things happen, it is likely that we may feel the urge to “get back at” the person in some way.  This may be by telling anyone and everyone about how this person hurt you in hopes that “what goes around, comes around”.  This may also involve doing other things a bit more strategically in order to get back at them in some way.

The problem is that, in doing this, many times (not always, but many times) we are actually dragging ourselves down to their level.  In trying to get back at them, we aren’t necessarily making ourselves “the bigger person” in the situation.  And, as a result, it is also likely that we are just wearing ourselves out with all the stress we are giving ourselves in the process of it all.

Often times the best thing that we can do is to simply let it go and trust that the universe (through the process of karma) will take care of it.  Know and trust that everyone will ultimately get what they deserve — including you!   Remember that! 😉

The only person who you really have control over is yourself.

Another thing that we may try to do when we’ve been screwed over by someone else is to try and control the entire situation ourselves.  Maybe we may try to talk to them in hopes to try to force them to change a decision they had made or just really try to get this other person to see and understand our side of things.

Though I can 100% relate to this, the unfortunate reality is that we really can’t control the other person.  The only person is this world who we really have control over is ourselves.  Which leads me to saying that the reality is that…

The let downs shows us how we can improve so it doesn’t happen again.

When we’ve  been screwed over we can find ourselves wishing we could turn back the clock and do things in a different way so that we somehow could have avoided being screwed over all together.  Maybe it involved saying “No” to a request earlier in the relationship or asking the person more questions before making an agreement.

Even though being screwed over does certainly suck, the benefit is that it does teach us how to be stronger in the future.  It teaches us how we can better cover our bases in our future relationships (of any and all kinds).  It helps us to better refine our boundaries of what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not willing to tolerate.  It also helps us know all the right questions that we need to ask and things we need to talk about with the other person so that all the things we need to know are out in the open.

And, finally, it does also teach us about forgiveness.  It reinforces the teaching that people do not always know how much they have really truly hurt us — and that goes for both others and ourselves.  Rarely do any of us really truly fully know how much we have hurt other people in our lives.

Because of this truth, it is vital to forgive — both ourselves and others — for not knowing better.

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Take action now!

Take a moment right now to reflect on someone who has screwed you over.  This may have been recently or several months or years ago.  Based on the list above in the article, which of the 3 things do you most need to remember in order to heal from this let down?

Do you still find yourself wanting revenge and you need to let go of it?  Do you still find yourself wanting to control this person to change their mind?  Are you struggling to really accept how you can change yourself so this doesn’t happen in the future?  Share it in the comments below!