Tag Archives: decisions

5 Reasons Why You Need Boundaries in Your Relationships and Life

Have you been feeling drained, tired, stressed out, and exhausted?  Do you feel under appreciated, unseen, and unsupported?  If so, it may be that you need to learn how to set some boundaries in your life and relationships.

So why exactly do you need boundaries in your relationships and life?  Here are 5 reasons:

#1 – They give you a sense of self

When we don’t have boundaries in our lives it implies that we don’t have a solid sense of self.  We will tend to take on other people’s thoughts, feelings, ideas, beliefs, and values rather than to have our own.  This is commonly referred to as enmeshment.

When we are enmeshed with another person it means that there is no distinct boundary between you and another person.  There is very little sense as to where one person ends and the other begins.  One or both people will then have difficulty identifying their own unique individual experience and how it differs from the other person.

When this is present, it implies difficulty in differentiation from a parent in early childhood.  This doesn’t mean that it is “good” or “bad”, as it is quite common for most people to have experienced it at least somewhat in their development.

Being enmeshed can be very stressful, draining, and overwhelming.  Relationships can easily get “messy” and a person can feel like they have no control over themselves or anything in their lives.  As a result, a person’s natural tendency would then be to try to control other people, which is codependent.

Learning to recognize our own internal experience and then setting boundaries in a way that honors our internal experience, helps us solidify our sense of self with the external world.  It also helps create less stress and more balance in our relationships.

#2 – You are able to decide how you want to be treated by others

When we have boundaries we are able to effectively tell a bully that we will not tolerate their behavior.  We are able to leave a relationship that isn’t serving us in what we know is in our highest good.  When we have boundaries, we are able to enter into relationships that do support us in our own personal growth and healing.

#3 – You are able to make life decisions that serve and support you

When we have boundaries, we are able to say “no” to that job that is potentially wearing us out by working overtime for little pay.  We are able to say “yes” to taking new career path without getting locked into feelings of guilt or “what other people will think”. 

#4 – You are able to make choices that are better for your health and well-being

By having boundaries, we are also able to make better choices for our own health and well-being.  We are able to say “no” to smoking that cigarette or having a glass of wine and, instead, say “yes” to having some green juice and going to the gym.  We are more aware that we’re going to feel shitty after eating that brownie, so we’re able to turn away and eat something healthier.

#5 – You feel empowered

When set boundaries in our lives, we feel more connected with ourselves and more in control of our lives.  We are able to live for ourselves, rather than through this desire to please other people.  We are able to be in relationships that are healthy, balanced, and equal.  And we have the ability to create a life for ourselves that we’ve always dreamed of.

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Click to Tweet: When set boundaries, we are able to feel more connected with ourselves and more in control of our lives. via @jenilyn8705

Take action now!

How will learning to set boundaries in your life support you in creating a miraculous life for yourself?  Share it in the comments below!

Need Guidance? Ask the Universe for a Sign

Earlier this year I was caught up in the midst of apartment hunting. 

Though looking for a new place to live can certainly be exciting, trying to find a place to rent in the San Francisco Bay Area is hardly an enjoyable process.

For a good month or so, I was apartment hunting as if it were my full-time job.  Waking up each morning to call and e-mail places listed on Craigslist, followed my aggressively visiting open houses in order to send in applications to any good apartments with the right price ASAP.

It was a lot of work and very exhausting.  After putting in some applications that fell through and visiting some apartments that were definitely not a place I’d want to live, I found myself getting really discouraged.  I wondered if I’ll ever find a place to live that is “just right”.  I wondered if I should give up and stick with my current not-so-great living situation.

Around that same time, I watched a mentor of mine give a local talk.  In that talk she spoke about her process of house hunting and the challenges she went through.  In her own period of discouragement, she asked a friend for guidance. 

Her friend told her to ask the universe for a sign.  To ask for something to emerge in her life to help show her and guide her in her process of house hunting.  In her case, she chose for that sign to be an owl.

And so in the process of house hunting, she looked for owls and, ultimately, seeing owls helped guide her to the right place to purchase.

Hearing this, I sat down and contemplated what my sign could be.  After meditating on it for a bit, I chose the dove.

So, starting that very day I found myself looking around for doves at every apartment I looked at.  If there were no doves to be seen, I found myself up and ready to head out the door to look someplace else.

After several days of seeing no doves, I went to see one apartment with my boyfriend.  As we walked around the apartment complex waiting for the lady at the front desk to get back from lunch, my boyfriend said, “Oh hey look at those doves!” 

I turned my head and sure enough there was a dove in a tree nearby.  My boyfriend had no idea about the whole dove thing — he probably would’ve thought I was nuts at the time — but, irregardless, knowing that there were some doves around made me a little more optimistic about this whole apartment hunting thing.

Despite seeing doves at this particular apartment complex, the landlord never showed up for our scheduled appointment.  I was very disappointed due to the good deal it would have been, but the landlord’s lack of organization gave enough of a bad vibe to put that apartment on my definite “no” list. 

So the hunt continued…

A week or so later as I was visiting apartments I felt like I was getting towards the end of my hunt.  I had put forth so much energy in searching that I wasn’t sure if I had much more energy to keep looking.  But, that day I continued to search in hopes that something will stick.

So I drove up to the apartment complex and went into the office to discuss the apartments available.  We went up and checked out an apartment and as we were walking back someone said, “Hey look — there’s a dove!” 

I turned my head to look but, unfortunately, I didn’t see it.  It had already flown away.

That’s the funny thing about signs — even though we’ve asked for them, we don’t always see them.  Signs from the universe don’t just come through our own individual sight, but it also comes through others.  They can come through based on what other people saw or a statement that someone said.

Though we can ask for signs for guidance, signs aren’t always as clear as we’d like them to be.  Sometimes we see that dove or owl in a place that we are not meant to be.  Or the place that we are meant to be at don’t have any doves or owls in them.

When we ask the universe for a sign, the guidance that comes through with it isn’t as plain as: sign = “yes” and no sign = “no”.  It’s more complicated than that.

To receive clear universal guidance, there has to be an element of faith.  We have to be willing to trust that we are supported and that we are being guided.  We have to be willing to let go of any fear that is hindering us from seeing our opportunities clearly.

To release fear and to be open to the possibilities is to be open to love. 

By being open to love, we give ourselves the ability to receive clear guidance internally.  We are then able to get an intuitive sense of what feels like the right direction to take and what isn’t.

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Click to Tweet: When we release our fear and open up to a mindset of love, we give ourselves the ability to receive clear guidance. via @jenilyn8705

If we are willing to release our fear then we are able to receive clear intuitive guidance in a way that it doesn’t matter if the dove shows up or not.  We’re able to simply trust and know which is the right choice.

So if you’re in need of guidance, ask for a sign, set the intention to release your fears and then trust that you will be guided.  Then all you have to do is go through the motions.  Take action and have faith that it will work out.

As for me… I saw no other doves until the day I drove up with my car filled up with my plants and a U-Haul on the way.  I sat in the office to get apartment keys and go over signing the lease. 

As I sat in the office, I looked over to the deck of my new apartment.  There were two doves sitting on the deck railing.  I smiled… realizing they were there all along — I just had to open my eyes to see them.

The Mindset Shift Required to Get What You Want in Life

For a few weeks I have noticed that a peer of mine was kind of going through a bit of a rough patch with her job.  She expressed her thoughts on being underpaid, given less hours than she thought she deserved, and, overall… well, just feeling downright undervalued.

As I heard this peer for her concerns many times towards me I began to notice other people in my life doing a similar things.  Someone expressing their frustrations to me about their phone company potentially overcharging them.  Another mad because of their roommate talking loudly on the phone late at night.  And then — on top of it all — I even saw myself frustrated over a couple things in my environment and expressing it to others as well.

When I sat back and reflected on the whole thing, I noticed that there was one common underlying thread amongst all of these situations: Each person was expressing their concerns, but not to people who could actually help them with the situation.  Nobody was being proactive in their stress and frustration.

Instead, everybody was doing the safest thing a person can ever do: Express their frustrations to people who can’t do anything about it.  Their friend.  Their partner.  Their family member.  When in reality the person needed to be talking to people who can help them and give them what they want: their boss, supervisor, cell phone company, roommate, or whoever.

We all get caught up in this way of being at some point or another during various periods of our lives.  We are stressed and frustrated about something and rather than confront the issue head-on with the people who can help us with the issue, we talk to everybody else in our lives about it.

Now, don’t get me wrong — sometimes we do need to process our experience with other people who aren’t involved.  However, the problem is that by talking with other people about the issue rather than those involved, it is very disempowering.  It’s almost as if the more people we express our frustrations with, then the more we drain our energy and the energy of those around us.

When we avoid confronting the issue head-on it’s like we are are subconsciously telling ourselves (and the universe), “I’m not powerful.  I’m not capable.  I’m not worthy.  My concerns, thoughts and feelings don’t matter, so I’m going to talk to many other people about it rather than confront the issue at the source so I can make changes in my life.”

Doing this makes us feel out of control, weak and powerless — the exact opposite of what we commonly desire.

So how can we get what we want in our lives?  What is the mindset shift that we have to make?

It is to consciously choose to take personal responsibility for ourselves in every single situation.

Taking personal responsibility involves acknowledging and accepting our own unique experience and acting accordingly to our experience.  To be willing to face the world head-on and say, “I am powerful and I deserve to have what I desire.”

IAmPowerful

Click to Tweet: I am powerful and I deserve to have what I desire @jenilyn8705.

So if we are unhappy at work, then we properly communicate to our boss or supervisor.  If we are unhappy with a contract that we have made with that company, then we properly communicate with that company.  If we are unhappy with a roommate, then we voice our concerns directly to that person.  Not to a co-worker or your neighbor who can’t do anything about your situation… but a clear communication with the people there is a problem with.

To take personal responsibility also involves making decisions that are in our best interests.  So if a certain job or relationship that we are in is no longer working despite our efforts at open communication, then we know that we always have the option to leave or do something different.

We all always have a choice.  We all always have decisions to make.  To know that we always have endless opportunities available to us is part of living truly empowered.

You are in control of your own life.  You always have been and always will be.  So what can you do today to feel like you are more in control of you life?  What can you do today to take more personal responsibility for your life?  Share it in the comments below!