Tag Archives: dating

3 Keys to Manifesting a Healthy and Loving Relationship

We all want a healthy and loving relationship.  You know, a relationship filled with compassion, affection, and acceptance.  A relationship where there is respect.

Whether you are single or not, the desire, to some degree, is likely there.  Unfortunately for many of us, even if we are married or in a relationship we can find ourselves wishing that the relationship was different in some ways.  We may feel that the “spark” has gone away and we wish we could find it again. 

Fortunately, regardless of our relationship status, we can give our relationships a “tune up” when we stop to look within ourselves and consciously choose to make some inner shifts.  Here are 3 keys to manifesting a healthy and loving relationship in your life:

#1 – Have an amazing relationship with yourself

If you hate being alone and you’re self-worth is determined by how active your social life is, then you’re going to be giving off a “I need you to validate my self-worth” kind of vibe when out on a date.  If, on the other hand, you enjoy spending time with yourself and feel totally comfortable in your own shoes, then you’re going to be giving off a “I feel comfortable with myself” kind of vibe.

Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that if you do hate being alone and have a low self-worth that you’re not going to find a boyfriend.  The truth is that you probably would.  However, there would be one big problem: The guy has equally as low of a self-worth as you.  Which, would then create a relationship where both people need the other person to validate their own self-worth.

It’s a foundation built on sand — and it’s certainly not where one wants to be if they truly want a healthy and loving relationship.

So get comfortable in your own shoes.  Spend time with yourself.  Take yourself on dates.  Go to the movies, go to dinner or take a mini-vacation with yourself. 

Treat your body well by exercising and eating healthy.  Do activities that you enjoy doing.  Give yourself things that you know you need.

When we become masters of our own self-care, we are giving ourselves the love that we truly deserve.  So focus on doing amazing things for you, so you can have a great relationship with yourself.  It will help in manifesting that healthy and loving relationship you desire.

MastersSelfCareSelfLove

Click to Tweet: When we become masters of our own self-care, we are giving ourselves the love that we truly deserve. via @jenilyn8705

#2 – Believe that you deserve it

Many of us want a healthy and loving relationship, but, deep down, we don’t believe that we truly deserve it.  Or, we may even think that it’s not possible for us.  Unfortunately, this prevents us from making any kind of progress in getting that loving relationship.

So if you find yourself struggling to believe that you truly deserve it, make a commitment to reframing that mindset.

One way to do this is by saying affirmations.  Every morning or night you can spend some time standing in front of the mirror and stating out loud, “I deserve a healthy and loving relationship”.  Say this 10 times in the morning and 10 times at night for at least 30 days.  You may not notice the shifts right away, but over time you’ll notice a shift.

#3 – Ditch the checklist and, instead, connect with how you want to feel

We all hold expectations.  If you’re single and dating, it may be an expectation that the person you date has a nice car and isn’t working in retail.  If you’re in a relationship, the expectation may be that you want your guy to clean the dishes after he uses them.

When we get ourselves caught up in such expectations it’s like we are creating for ourselves an internal “checklist”.  We have a list in our minds of things that we want and “need” in order to be happy and fulfilled in the relationship.

Unfortunately, these “checklists” take us out of the experience.  It takes us out of what is happening in the moment in your relationship with this other person and, instead, focused on what the person is or isn’t doing.  It’s a way of rating or judging the moment, which blocks us from truly connecting with the other person and experiencing love.

So the key here is that rather than focus on the “checklist” or expectations, we must focus on how it is that we want to feel in the relationship.  Do you want to feel love in your relationship to this other person?  Joy?  Happiness?  A sense of calm?  A place of comfort in their presence?  How do you want to feel in being in the relationship?

When we focus on how it is that we want to feel rather than on the surface-level details, we can find that what we thought we needed, we don’t really “need” after all.  We realize that the “needs” were all arbitrary — and they weren’t helping us get what we truly wanted, which is love.  Rather, they blocked it.

So let go of your “checklist” of expectations and sit back and ask yourself: How do I want to feel?  And then connect to that feeling.  Feel it within your own being and carry it with you throughout the day.  And, eventually, your relationships will start to reflect your internal state.

Take action now!

In the comments below, share with me how you want to feel in your relationship.  Or, if you’re not in a relationship now, share with me how you desire to feel.

You Don’t Have to “Figure Yourself Out” Before You Can Love Someone Else

I’ve seen this scenario multiple times.

Girl is having problems with relationship with guy. 

Girl goes to her friends for relationship advice… over… and over… and over again.

Girl’s friends eventually start saying, “Maybe you should spend some time just trying to figure yourself out right now instead of this relationship”.

I’ve been that friend and I’ve been that girl.  And while I think that it can be a helpful thing to do sometimes in certain situations, I really don’t think it’s an absolute must-do in all situations.

A while back I was listening to a talk by one of my teachers Marianne Williamson and it was the Q&A portion of the talk.  A man had come up and asked her a question about his current relationship problems.  He had been with this woman for a while now and they had a kid together but he couldn’t figure out how to work out the problems. 

He ended sharing his story by implying that he’s been thinking about leaving so he can “figure himself out”.

Now, I love Marianne because she can be very blunt at times.  She quickly responded, “Whoever said that you need to ‘figure yourself out’ before being in a relationship?!”  She then elaborated on why it isn’t a good idea to just leave so he can ‘figure himself out’.

While breaking away from the relationship to “figure yourself out” may sound like a good idea — it’s not going to really help the one thing you’d be trying to save: The relationship itself.  Why?  Because you’d be abandoning the other person as a result.  You’d essentially be choosing to end the relationship at that moment in order to “figure yourself out” and — frankly — you’re not really choosing to love the other person if you think it’d be anything otherwise.

Here’s a few realities about loving other people:

#1 – Love is a choice

It’s been a while since I’ve brought up this idea in an article, but I’ve always found that understanding this basic idea is crucial to having a happy, healthy and loving relationship.

Love isn’t a feeling, because feelings are ever changing and they come and go.  Rather, love is something that we choose to do.  It’s a mindset that we make the conscious effort to try and have every single day… that’s how we can create truly loving relationships.

#2 – To love someone means that you are choosing to grow together

To be in a relationship with someone means that the two of you are going to grow and evolve together.  Really, its the ultimate purpose of the relationship.  It’s about our own soul’s growth and evolution and how it evolves, grows, and learns with another.

To think that we can grow a lot while being completely on our own is pretty limited.  There are always more ideas, thoughts, and experiences that we are going to learn while in relationship with another human being.

#3 – It’s not about what we are getting but about what we are giving

One of the discrepancies that can come up in our relationships is our own thinking of what is is that we are “not getting” from the other person versus what we are, in fact, “giving”.  We may be stuck in a habit of thinking things like, “Well I’m not getting as much support as I’d like”, “I’m doing more of X than he is”, and so on. 

The problem with this kind of thinking is that it is completely focused on the other person and what they are doing rather than ourselves.  Its shows a desire to want to control the other person, rather than to be accountable for ourselves and to fully stand in our own power.

I’ve said it before in many other articles and I’ll say it again: It’s all about the energy that we are bringing to our relationships that can really determine their success.  Are you in this relationship full of fear — scared of being vulnerable and fearful of rejection?  Or are you going into this relationship filled with love— peaceful, confident and with an open heart?

RelationshipSuccess

Click to Tweet: The energy that we are bringing to our relationships can really determine their success. via @jenilyn8705

There are many ways that we can shift our own energy from fear to love, but one of the ways is through meditation, which is why I’ve created my new meditation album Ignite Love from Within.  To learn more about my new album and to receive a free meditation from the album called Healing Blocks to Love, click here.

Now — all of this being said — this doesn’t all mean that breaking up and spending some time being single shouldn’t be an option.  There are of course situations where ending the relationship may be necessary.  Maybe you’ve felt like the two of you have been growing apart or that you both have different dreams and goals in life. 

If that’s the case, it isn’t a time to end things “for a while” to “figure yourself out”.  Rather, it’s a just a time to just end it — as that would be the most loving thing to do for both yourself and the other person no matter how painful it may be.

Ultimately, remember this: “Figuring yourself out” is, realistically, a lifelong journey and it is totally and completely unrealistic to think that you’d be able to do it in a few months or years.  We figure ourselves out by living, by being in relationships with others, and by striving to bring love into our lives.

So take the risk and dive in to your relationships.  After all, the only way we can really learn is with time, effort, and practice.

3 Realities About Relationship Problems

Relationship problems are hardly anything that we want to experience in our relationships, but they are an inevitable part of spending time with another person.

Here are 3 realities I’ve come to realize about relationship problems:

#1 – When you choose to date or marry someone, you’re not necessarily choosing the person.  Rather, you’re choosing the problems that you want to deal with that emerges in your relationship with that person.

Let’s face it: When we’re in a relationship problems are inevitable.  No matter how hard we try we simply just can’t avoid them. 

When we’re with one person the problems may be much more challenging and difficult than with another person — but it doesn’t meant that there aren’t any.  It’s simply the byproduct of being in a relationship.

Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, states that 69% of the problems that we deal with in our relationships are never solved.  What determines whether the couple stays together or not relies on whether both people are able to accommodate and accept the traits and characteristics of their partner that irritate them.

Seeing that statistic can be pretty disheartening, but it can also be empowering, because it shows the importance of taking personal responsibility.  We have the power to control our own behavior, actions and reactions.  And we have a choice as to how we want to behave and even if we want to be in a relationship with a person with that one trait that drives you crazy.

Which leads me to my next point…

#2 – You can’t change someone who doesn’t have a problem with their own actions.

I’m sure that at some point in your life you’ve heard someone say, “You can’t change a man”.  I know I’ve heard it many times — and boy do I know a lot of people (myself included) who have tried.

To love someone means to accept them for who they truly are — flaws and all.  Even if they do forget to take out the trash.  Even if they are habitually late for dinner.  Even if they may have hobbies you have no interest in whatsoever. 

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Click to Tweet: To love someone means to accept them for who they truly are — flaws and all. via @jenilyn8705

Nobody’s perfect and it’s impossible for anyone to actually be perfect.  And, realistically, why would you want to be with someone who is?  There’s no growth and learning that comes out of that.

When we tend to have the desire to want to “change” our partner, it stems from this inner desire to control the other person.  It’s rooted in the thinking that “they” need to change and not ourselves.

This is a distorted belief that stems from our ego (fear-based mind), which blocks us from truly experiencing real genuine love.

So be willing to recognize your own desires to control or change your partner and set the intention to let it go whenever it comes up.

#3 – What you think you need from others, isn’t really what you really need.

In relationships, there are a lot of things that we may “think” we need from our partner: To always keep the sink clear of dishes, to always have the garbage out on time, or to even get a goodnight kiss every night before bed.

While having these kind of needs are certainly valid and real, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we do, in fact, need them from our partner.

Whenever I think about needs, I always think of that old Sex and the City quote, “That’s the funny thing about needs.  Sometimes when you get them met, you don’t need them anymore”.  And that can be oh-so-true.  So I sit back and wonder, if we realize we don’t need it anymore after they are met then did we really need them at all?  Was it even worth arguing about?

One of my absolute favorite teachers, Marianne Williamson, states that our neediness in relationships don’t come from what we are not receiving from the relationship.  Rather, it stems from what we are not allowing ourselves to receive from God.

Now, whether you like to use the term “God” or not is up to you — sometimes I like to say spirit, the Universe, the Divine,  etc. but regardless of the term it all boils down to the same thing: Our own inner disconnection from pure divine love.

We think that we need our partner to do a better job at reducing clutter out of the house, but really it is our own inner disconnection from divine love that is causing our distress.  When we are disconnected from spirit, we are stuck in the distortions of our ego.  When we’re stuck in our ego, then nothing can quite be right.  We have a tendency to always be finding something wrong or that needs improvement.

By getting connected internally to pure divine love, it helps to accept our partner for who they truly are.  It helps us to be more at peace within ourselves.  It helps us to ignite the love that we possess deep within our own beings so that we can share it with the people around us.

This is why I’ve created Ignite Love from Within: Meditations to Create Relationships and a Life Filled with Love in order to help you get reconnected with Divine love so that you can shine light and love from the inside out and share it with others around you.  As my gift to you, I’m giving away a meditation from the album called “Healing Blocks to Love” so that you can get started today to ignite love from within you!  Click here to get started.

When You Want More Love and Support in Relationships

This article was originally published on TinyBuddha.

For years, I felt unfulfilled in my relationships.

I often felt drained, and as if I was the only one giving and doing things for others.

I couldn’t quite understand what I was doing wrong and why relationships were so challenging for me. All I wanted to do was to feel loved and supported. Why couldn’t I get that?

Then, nearly three years ago, after a bad break-up and a ton of other relationship challenges, I reached a breaking point. I knew I had to make some serious changes, so I found myself a therapist, a ton of self-help books, and a few other self-development professionals.

Through this journey, I’ve learned several lessons that have helped me find and create the fulfilling relationships that I have today. Here are four lessons I learned.

#1 – We have to accept people where they are.

Even though I wanted more depth, intimacy, and support in my relationships, I had to learn to accept that others didn’t always want the same things I did; or, they did want the same things, but they were simply not ready for them at that point in time.

In learning this lesson, I was able to let go of idealistic dreams that some people would one day change and appreciate those relationships for what they were.

Many times we are unfulfilled in relationships because we are lying to ourselves. We choose to reject what is while clinging to our own idealistic dream of what could be.

When we accept relationships as they are, we open the door to connecting with others who are able to give us what we know we deserve.

#2 – Love begins on the inside, not the outside.

One of my all-time favorite passages on love begins, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” When I was younger I interpreted this as though I had to find someone who was patient and kind, not jealous or boastful, and so on.

I thought it was telling me that I had to judge other people according to that criteria to determine if it was truly “love” or not. I thought it was about seeking it in the external world.

Then, when I heard this verse a couple years ago at a friend’s wedding, I had a huge “ah ha” moment: This verse has nothing to do with looking for these traits in other people. It’s telling us that this is the love that we can find within ourselves.

It is the love that makes this universe exist and keep it together. It is a love that we all possess.

We are not meant to seek love externally in the world but to connect to it within so that we can create even more of that love in the world around us.

The love that we seek is something that we already have. When we make the conscious effort to tap into that inner love and express it in the world, we can then begin to see all the love around us.

PossessLoveWithin

Click to Tweet: The love that we seek in our relationships with others we already possess deep within ourselves. via @jenilyn8705

#3 – It’s more painful to fear being authentic then to actually be authentic.

I always held back my inner truth in relationships because I feared rejection. Deep down, I felt that I wasn’t good enough or worthy.

I feared that others would automatically reject me if I expressed my unique, genuine interests and talents. I felt that by blending in with people, I’d guarantee acceptance.

The reality, though, is that it took so much more effort, more strain, and more heartache to hold on to this fear.

As I have gradually learned how to simply express my authentic truth in relationships, it has not only made my relationships better, it has also given me more energy that I can put into more proactive things.

#4 – We get what we give.

Even though I often felt like I was giving a lot in my relationships, what I was giving wasn’t necessarily healthy. I often gave to others in order to be accepted and avoid rejection, because I feared being vulnerable. I was giving out of fear, not from a place of inner love.

If you want others to be more real and vulnerable, then you have to be more real and vulnerable. If you want others to openly discuss feelings, then you have to openly discuss feelings. This doesn’t guarantee they’ll reciprocate, but it opens the door for the type of relationship you’d like to have.

Many of us know what we desire in our relationships, but we don’t realize the importance of our part. We have the ability to create the tempo. If we are willing to set the example, others will be more likely to follow and reciprocate.

The more we realize the power of our own actions and align them to our heart’s true desires, the closer we’ll get to creating relationships filled with love, support, authenticity, and fulfillment.

Why the People We’re Attracted To Don’t Like Us Back

Have you ever been in a situation where you really liked someone but they didn’t like you back?

Maybe you dated a couple times and you really wanted to continue dating but they didn’t. Or, maybe, you really liked the person but they had no interest in going out with you ever.

I’ve been there more than enough times, and I’m sure you’ve been there as well. We’ve all dealt with this at some point or another (and, yes, I’m sure George Clooney and Brad Pitt have even dealt with this at least once at some stage in their lives). And, frankly, it really just flat out sucks.

We’re in a place of really wanting to be with this person and give them all the love, care, and compassion that we have to offer. We want to make this person the center of our universe and really show them just how amazing they truly are… but this person just doesn’t want to be with us.

… and, honestly, I don’t blame them.

Let’s really sit back and think about this. Think about the last time (or a time that you remember very well) where you really liked someone and they didn’t like you back. Maybe you dated them for a while and they decided to end things cause they just weren’t quite “feeling it” or they made some excuse about being “too busy” with work or school or [insert any not fully reasonable excuse here]. How did you act when you were around them?

Were you confident? Were you comfortable? Were you really acting like yourself? Or, were you feeling nervous, insecure, and unworthy? Were you trying to act like someone else rather than yourself?

More often than not, when we’re really attracted to someone but they don’t like us nearly as much in return, it’s because we are in that space of insecurity, neediness, and unworthiness. We feel like we’re not good enough and we’re nervous about being rejected.

Now let me be clear: it’s not something that we need to beat ourselves up about. It’s completely normal. If we really like somebody, then of course we are going to get nervous when around them, because getting rejected by them is going to hurt us so much more than if we get rejected by someone we don’t like. It’s only natural.

However, if we find ourselves constantly in this place of the other person breaking things off with us early on because they’re just “not into you”, then that’s a problem that really needs to be fixed if we ever want to experience a healthy and loving relationship. We can’t really experience love in our lives when we’re bounded by feelings of fear on the inside.

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Click to Tweet: We can’t really experience love in our lives when we’re bounded by feelings of fear on the inside. via @jenilyn8705

So how can we shift from feelings of fear when around people we are attracted to and connect to love within so we can become a love-magnet? Here are 3 steps:

#1 – Recognize the nature of your fear — then let it go!

What is it that are you are most afraid of experiencing when developing a relationship with someone you are attracted to? Are you nervous about the relationship eventually failing due to some heartbreaks in the past? Do you believe that you are not worthy of love? Do you believe you’re incapable of having a healthy, loving and successful relationship? Are you terrified of being rejected? Are you simply expecting to be rejected?

It’s a slightly different “flavor” for everyone, so it’s important to identify what your patterns of fear are. Write down a list of how your fear manifests for you in the dating world on a sheet of paper or journal. This is critically important because we can’t heal and change something in our lives that we are not consciously aware of!

Once you’ve recognized the nature of your own fear, then simply make the intention to release that fear. This doesn’t have to be complicated. All we really need is to have the desire to change.

#2 – Observe how you act around people who are attracted to you — even when you’re not attracted to them.

Do you act more like you? Are you being your genuine self? Are you expressing your own unique thoughts and feelings without hesitation? Are you comfortable and at ease? Recognize how you behave around these people and write it down on a sheet of paper or journal.

#3 – Envision yourself acting the way you act when around people who are attracted to you.

Close your eyes and in your mind’s eye envision yourself acting the way you act when around people who are attracted to you. See yourself feeling comfortable and confident. Envision yourself completely being your own genuine self and expressing your truth to those around you. Then notice how you feel in your body while envisioning yourself acting this way. Are you hunched over or do you have a straight back? Do you feel energized and strong? Just notice.

This is a great activity to do if you’re about ready to go on a date. The activity can be that before the date, you can take some time to envision yourself being confident and genuine while on the date. Also, if you have made the decision that you’re ready for a new relationship, then do this envisioning activity at the beginning of every day to really shine your own inner truth and love to the world.

Take action now!

Let’s do step 1: How do you experience fear in your romantic relationships? Share it in the comments below!

10 Myths About “Healthy” Relationships

As originally published on MindBodyGreen.

Each one of us carries ideas around about what a healthy relationship looks like or “should” look like. This typically comes from our upbringing, the relationships we see around us, and more. Yet these common beliefs about “healthy” relationships often create and reinforce stereotypes, many of which can do more harm than good.

While maintaining standards for what you want a “healthy relationship” to look like is a totally OK thing to do, many of these thoughts are just cultural myths that oversimplify issues most relationships inevitably face.

Identifying the relationship myths that we hold can be beneficial to the overall health and longevity of our relationships, as it frees us from making assumptions and helps us to live more in the present moment.

Here are 10 myths about so-called “healthy” relationships that many of us may have.

#1 – “Conflict means the relationship isn’t healthy.”

This is quite the opposite actually. The total absence of conflict in a relationship is more a red flag that problems are being repressed rather than discussed. By allowing conflicts to happen, both partners openly acknowledge and work through issues, which, by the way, are basically unavoidable in any relationship, romantic or not. In doing so, the relationship deepens and becomes stronger.

#2 – “We both have to have the same views on everything.”

Do we need to accommodate all of our partner’s needs 24/7 in order to be with them? Sure, but only to some degree. That is, we don’t have to agree or be on the same page about every single thing in order to have a healthy relationship.

Two people can have wildly different view points on things and still have a healthy relationship. After all, there are people in this world who have healthy relationships despite differing religious/spiritual views, cultural backgrounds, and political views. It boils down to a matter of both people accepting and respecting one another.

#3 – “A happy and fulfilling relationship requires having common interests.”

Though having some common interests can make it easier on what to do on a Saturday night date, it’s not an absolute deal breaker. What matters more is that there is a lively dynamic between you two, and one characterized by feelings of love and support.

#4 – “There is a certain criteria that all must follow in order to have a healthy relationship.”

This myth is the paramount myth: the mere idea that there is one ideal of a “healthy” relationship.

But when you think about it more carefully, doesn’t it seem obvious that there’s no “one size fits all” criteria? Everybody is different, and very complicated, so why shouldn’t our relationships be that way, too? Each of us has our own fears, desires, neuroses, needs, past experiences and more. That’s why we have to do what works for us and our particular relationship.

#5 – “As long as I really try to not do what my parents did, I will have a healthy relationship.”

The problem with heavily focusing on not doing what our parents did is this: We may end up trying so hard to not be like our parents that we end up causing other problems. So we must focus more on healing ourselves rather than to simply avoid doing what our parents did.

#6 – “There will always be romance.”

The romance may last a few years, but the truth is that it’s going to calm down at some point or another. It’s not something that is just going to always be there automatically.

#7 – “If I’m with the right person, I won’t have to really work that hard at it.”

Any one individual is incredibly complicated. So once you put two people together, everything becomes so much more so. I like to think that our relationships are assignments to help us grow and evolve. The challenges that come up during our relationships invite us to examine ourselves, and undergo some personal growth every single day.

RelationshipGrowth

Click to Tweet: The challenges that emerge in our relationships invite us to examine ourselves & undergo personal growth every day. via @jenilyn8705

#8 – “In order for this relationship to work, my partner must change.”

The reality is that we have no control over our partner or anyone else in our life. The only person that we have control over is ourselves.

#9 –  “Being in a healthy relationship means my partner is going to know my needs and meet them all the time.”

It is not anybody else’s responsibility to take care of you and your needs. Only you are responsible for that — just as your partner is responsible for their own needs as well.

#10 –  “All we need is love to make a marriage work.”

When it comes to marriage, there are a lot of things to deal with: finding a place to live, working with finances, deciding whether to have kids and, if so, deciding on how they are going to be raised.

Sure, love can be a motivator to get us to work through these things together but we can’t just say, “Oh, all we need is love” and brush the rest under the rug thinking it will just “work itself out.” All these factors need to be openly talked about and agreements need to be made.

What are some myths about healthy relationships that you can think of? Share them in the comments below!

3 Keys to Being Irresistibly Attractive

We all want others to like us.  Deep down in our hearts we all want to feel supported, respected, and, most importantly, loved.

Yet, unfortunately, for many of us this is much easier said then done.  We can feel like we always fall short in finding this love that we so desire to experience.

We can feel like we’re giving too much and that what we give isn’t being reciprocated.  We can feel like we are always the one trying in our romantic relationships but that, for some reason, we can’t find a partner who will try just as hard.

We can find ourselves frustrated, unfulfilled, drained, and, deep down, wondering why on earth love is just so darn difficult to find in this world.  Why is it that, despite all efforts, love seems to still be just out of reach?

I feel for you — I totally do.  Like Pat Benatar sang, “Love is a battlefield”.  As much as we don’t like it, it really is!

The unfortunate truth of the matter is this: You can make everyone like you.  Just like you also can’t force someone to like you… no matter how hard you try.

But, I do have some very exciting news: You can make changes in order to make yourself irresistibly attractive.

What’s the secret, you ask?  To really truly love and have confidence in yourself.  To truly believe in yourself and take the time to really focus and do what is best for you.

IrresistiblyAttractive

Here’s the thing: Many of us waste our energy on things that aren’t really positively serving us.  We worry about whether someone will like us or not.  We obsess about a past relationship that didn’t work.  We go on a first date with this underlying fear of “Will I be rejected?”

The trouble is that when we do these things its like we’re allowing holes to be poked into the bottle of our own unique goodness.  We allow all these things to suck away our energy, which prevents us from truly standing in our own unique power.

And you know what?  It’s not very attractive.  Other people can feel that energy and they know and feel your fear.  And so we do one or both things:

1.  We attract others to us who are equally as fearful.

2.  We allow these blocks to hold us back from really creating a fulfilling relationship.

So what can we do to truly love and have more confidence in ourselves so that we can truly be irresistibly attractive?

Take care of yourself.

Go out and exercise.  Eat healthy.  Take the time periodically check-in with your body.  If you feel exhausted, then take the time to rest.  If you feel energized then make sure you get out there and channel that energy into some great work or work out!

>> Action step: Check in with your body right now. What is something that could make you feel better right now?  A walk along a beach or lake?  A nice salt bath?  A big plate of steamed veggies?  A few minutes of meditation?

Do what you love to do.

Even though we can’t always control avoiding the things that we hate to do, we can find time to do the things that we love to do!  If you’ve always wanted to learn how to paint, then start painting.  If you love dancing, then go out dancing!

>> Action step: Make a list of things that you love to do.  These could be things that you already do, things that you used to do but don’t do anymore, or things that you’ve always wanted to do but have never done.  Pick one or two from the list and find a way to start doing them!

Believe in you.

Believe that you are capable of really having what your heart desires.  Believe that you do truly deserve love.  Know that you are good enough… you are worthy!

>> Action step: Write down the following affirmation on a notecard: “I deserve love” or “I am worthy of love”.  Place this notecard in your mirror.  Every time you look at it say it to yourself out loud.

Share your experiences below!

Choose at least one of the following action steps listed and do it right away.  Share what you have realized or experienced in the comments below!

3 Things to Remember When You’re Trying to Fix Your Breakup

Breakups are rough. Trust me, I’ve been through plenty of them. Some are easier than others, but they still hurt.

When breakups happen we have the tendency to go into a mode where we obsess over all of our mistakes and wish that we would’ve done things differently.

We start thinking of all the things:

“I shouldn’t have said…”

“I shouldn’t have done…”

“I should have…”

“I wish I…”

Thought after thought after thought – all wishing that we could change the past in some way in a hope that our present situation is what it isn’t. We just with that somehow we could fix everything and our relationship could be back the way it was.

Though obsessing and focusing on all the “should haves” is a normal stage of the grief that we have to allow ourselves to go through, we have to be mindful about going too far with it. Meaning: Are you obsessing so much that you’re trying to control everything in your current situation?

Are you trying to force your ex to talk to you? Are you trying to force yourself to forgive? Are you trying to force the two of you to “figure things out” just so you can go back to dating again?

Admittedly, I’ve probably been one of the worst possible people at this. I’m a total recovering Ms. Fix-it. It was very hard for me in the past to simply accept the breakup for what it was and let go from a place of love and respect for the other person.

Though it can be extremely difficult to fully heal from heartbreak, there are things that we can keep in mind that help us release this urge to try to fix our broken relationship.

Regardless of what “technically” happened – it’s still not completely your fault and it’s not completely their fault either.

Typically when we start feeling the urge to control and fix our broken relationship its because we are beating ourselves up. It’s because we’re thinking in our heads “I messed this up, I’m not good enough, and I need to change”.

While its true that we do have areas where we need to grow and become better, its never completely our fault. After all, it takes two to tango. The other person’s imperfections certainly didn’t make things any easier.

That being said, its also good to keep in mind that its never fully the other person’s fault either. So we want to avoid the urge to point the finger at the other person as well. It’s both people together that create conflicts.

BreakupFault

Click to Tweet: A breakup is never one person’s fault. So be easy on yourself — AND your partner. @jenilyn8705

Focus on your own well-being.

When we have most of our energy focused on trying to fix our breakup, we completely forget to focus on one of the most important things of all: ourselves. Try to take time to rest, eat, and talk to a loved one. Allow yourself to grieve and process what you’re going through.

There’s always other fish in the sea.

For years I cringed every time someone would say these words to me, but now I actually find joy in the truth of it. There is so many potential lessons and experiences out there in the dating world.

Trouble, however, is that we can never fully see our possibilities if we are too focused on what we have lost. Sure, allow yourself to grieve – your soul deserves the time to do that – but be mindful about focusing too much on what you have lost. You don’t want to end up in a rut and miss out on noticing the gold that’s in front of you.

Take our a sheet of paper or a journal and write a letter to your ex.  All the things you enjoyed about the person and the things you will miss.  Write down the lessons you’ve learned by being with this person.  Allow this time of writing to be a way of really honoring the relationship that you had with this person.  But don’t actually send it!

Now, on a separate sheet of paper write down all the not-so-great things about being in a relationship with this person.  Try to be mindful about not going on a tangent over how terrible the person was — keep it reasonable.  Focus on the things that you can do, learn, and experience now that you are not with this person.  Imagine the possibilities.

The Secret Dating Mistake Women Make

A couple weeks ago I was working with a client to help her break her people pleasing habits. She explained to me how she has had several relationships but most all of them were pretty short-lived. Like, maybe a month or two tops.

Because all of her relationships were short, she was convinced that there must be something wrong with her if she keeps doing this. And so I asked her, “With any of those guys you dated and broke up with, do you feel like any of them were truly an equal to you? Do you feel like you were both on the same level? Did you feel like you could really relate to this person in an equal way or did it feel ‘off’ somehow?”

With each of the questions she answer, “Well, no I didn’t feel like I could relate to them on the same level.”

Which then led me to my next question of “Have you met people who you feel you are on the same level with?”

“Yes,” she responded, “I can think of several people I’ve been friends with for quite a while who I can relate to on that equal level”.

What a funny trick that is, isn’t it? We THINK there is something wrong with us when, realistically, there is absolutely nothing wrong. We just allow our inner critic and the criticisms of others come in and cloud our thinking to believe that “Oh there must be something wrong with me if I end my relationships with men so quickly”.

Ladies, THAT is the secret dating mistake women make: We believe that by having standards and trusting in our own intuition when it comes to relationships that there must be something wrong with us.

 

dating mistake women make

And, honestly, I don’t blame her. I relate to her 100%. While I am have not necessarily been the girl who breaks up with guys after only a month, I myself have been notorious for even worse: I’ve been known for breaking up with guys and ending this right after the very first date. Like, ALL THE TIME.

I remember hearing all these people tell me “Oh don’t be so picky. You need to let it last longer for the experience”. Now, nearly 10 years later I can confidently say that’s totally bogus. Have high standards. Be picky, because otherwise you find yourself settling for guys that don’t deserve you and wasting a lot of your time and energy.

I know what you may be thinking, “But there are things to learn from those relationships. There’s something to learn from everybody”. Definitely! I am not denying that, but you know what one of my biggest lessons in relationships have been? Learning to let go. Learning to trust that by ending this relationship now is, in fact, what is in my highest good and learning to hold on to this vision of my ideal relationship no matter what.

All of you. Every single one of you reading this deserve to have the relationship of your dreams. You deserve to be with someone that you can be the best version of yourself with. Know it, believe it, get excited for it, and it will come.

 

Take a Step Towards Knowing What You Deserve Today!

Sit back and reflect upon your past relationships for a moment: How was each person “wrong” for you?  What did they lack?  What did you tell yourself that you should “settle with” even though, deep down, you knew that you wanted and deserved something more?

Right now, how are you settling for less than you deserve?  Is your current relationship everything that you’ve ever asked for or is something lacking?  If so, what is it?

AND… DON’T feel guilty for admitting to yourself that something is lacking.  YOU DESERVE to admit that there is something lacking.  You can’t work on that area with your partner or find a better partner if you can’t admit it to yourself first.  YOU (and only you can do this — nobody else can do it for you!) have to take ACTION to create the relationship of your dreams!

How to Heal from a Breakup Gracefully and Mindfully

We have all, at some point or another, experienced the pain that comes with a breakup. Whether we ourselves have initiated the breakup or if we were the ones broken up with, we still go through emotional waves of sadness, fear, anger, guilt and more.

It’s tough to cope. Some moments you may feel perfectly fine but then something triggers a memory and you find yourself trying to fight back the tears. Or just when you think you’re completely over it, you cross paths with them and all those thoughts and feelings of being with them come storming back again.

With all these emotions all over the place, it can be a very confusing and difficult time. But here’s the good news: It doesn’t have to be! Here are some general guidelines for you to heal form a breakup gracefully and mindfully – without all that extra stress and confusion we so often create for ourselves.

Do not contact them for at least 90 days.

Yes, I’m sticking with the rule given by Greg Behrendt, the author of the book-gone-movie “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Though in some cases I feel it can really depend on the state you are in post-breakup, the best rule of thumb you can make for yourself is to simply not contact him for about 3 months. The truth is that during these first 90 days, chances are we are going to be experiencing a wide range of emotions and with all those emotions we’re not necessarily going to be to be able to hear that little voice of our intuition telling us “This isn’t the one, there is something better on the way”. So do yourself the favor and set that rule for yourself.

Trust, know and believe that you WILL find better!

One of the habits we all go into right after a breakup is that we start thinking about all the great things about this person then try to convince ourselves that we will never find that again. Let’s have a quick reality-check: Though you may not find someone just like your ex again, you WILL find someone better! Allow me to ask you a question: Have you ever dated someone who was actually WORSE than the ones you dated before them? Like, was a more recent ex at a lower level in development than a previous ex? Of course not, because you yourself are growing as an individual and through that growth you are going to attract and find people in your life who resonate with that level of growth that you are at. For as long as you are still focused on your own personal growth, the relationships can never get worse, only better!

Focus on what your partner was lacking rather than what you miss about them.

Answer the question: What would my ideal partner be like? What would my ideal relationship be like? Use this recently ended relationship as a guide to know exactly what you want and what you don’t want. Focus all your energy on improvement so the next time you meet a potential partner you know if they really fit into your ideal relationship vision or not. Use the failed relationships to create some solid standards for yourself.

Love yourself in the way your partner didn’t or couldn’t.

Breakups are difficult and went we’re sad and trying to heal it can be difficult for us to remember to really take care of ourselves. Focus on the little good things about your day: The sunshine, the flowers, or the crisp morning air. Every day focus on the beauty and miracle that is life. Do things for yourself: Go shopping for some new clothes (but be sure to give yourself a limit so you don’t regret it later), take a nice bubble bath, spend a day at the beach, have a day at the spa, read one of your favorite books, dance while you’re cleaning, sing in the shower, or find some crafts to create. If you feel lonely, reach out to some friends or family members for company. Create some “date nights” with your friends to make up for the dates that are now missing.

When you feel sad, angry, scared, or guilty, then let it out.

Cry. Just cry – and don’t be afraid to let it out if it happens to be on the subway or at Starbucks (true story). That’s what sunglasses are for if you really don’t want people to see the mascara running down your face and people to start wondering what’s up with you. It’s OKAY to cry. It’s not wimpy or inappropriate. It’s genuine and shows strength. So be honest with yourself and the world and let the tears come out!

If you don’t feel sad – THAT’S OKAY!

One of the funny things about breakups is that sometimes even though we are sad, we feel guilty for not being sadder. I’ve actually had one where because the relationship was so good, the only primary emotion I experienced was sadness over the breakup and the fact that he wouldn’t be in my life so much anymore. Yes, I was sad and I cried, but the time spent in sorrow wasn’t NEARLY as long and carried out as the relationships and breakups that were much more difficult and challenging. As a result, I actually felt GUILTY for not being more upset over the end of this great relationship. Well, I’m here to say: It is OKAY to not be deeply depressed about a breakup for months. Trust your intuition and start building that vision of your ideal relationship!

heal from a breakup

 That’s Tweetable!  Click to Tweet: “It’s OKAY to not be depressed about a breakup for months.Trust your intuition & create that vision of your ideal relationship! @jenilyn8705

Are you currently struggling through a breakup? Ask yourself and reflect on the following questions:

Did my ex REALLY feel like a perfect equal to me? How were we not quite on the “same level”?

What qualities would my ideal partner have that my ex didn’t have?

What would my ideal relationship look like?

Finish the following sentence: ‘It was good that we broke up, because… ‘