Tag Archives: date

3 Keys to Manifesting a Healthy and Loving Relationship

We all want a healthy and loving relationship.  You know, a relationship filled with compassion, affection, and acceptance.  A relationship where there is respect.

Whether you are single or not, the desire, to some degree, is likely there.  Unfortunately for many of us, even if we are married or in a relationship we can find ourselves wishing that the relationship was different in some ways.  We may feel that the “spark” has gone away and we wish we could find it again. 

Fortunately, regardless of our relationship status, we can give our relationships a “tune up” when we stop to look within ourselves and consciously choose to make some inner shifts.  Here are 3 keys to manifesting a healthy and loving relationship in your life:

#1 – Have an amazing relationship with yourself

If you hate being alone and you’re self-worth is determined by how active your social life is, then you’re going to be giving off a “I need you to validate my self-worth” kind of vibe when out on a date.  If, on the other hand, you enjoy spending time with yourself and feel totally comfortable in your own shoes, then you’re going to be giving off a “I feel comfortable with myself” kind of vibe.

Now, this doesn’t necessarily mean that if you do hate being alone and have a low self-worth that you’re not going to find a boyfriend.  The truth is that you probably would.  However, there would be one big problem: The guy has equally as low of a self-worth as you.  Which, would then create a relationship where both people need the other person to validate their own self-worth.

It’s a foundation built on sand — and it’s certainly not where one wants to be if they truly want a healthy and loving relationship.

So get comfortable in your own shoes.  Spend time with yourself.  Take yourself on dates.  Go to the movies, go to dinner or take a mini-vacation with yourself. 

Treat your body well by exercising and eating healthy.  Do activities that you enjoy doing.  Give yourself things that you know you need.

When we become masters of our own self-care, we are giving ourselves the love that we truly deserve.  So focus on doing amazing things for you, so you can have a great relationship with yourself.  It will help in manifesting that healthy and loving relationship you desire.

MastersSelfCareSelfLove

Click to Tweet: When we become masters of our own self-care, we are giving ourselves the love that we truly deserve. via @jenilyn8705

#2 – Believe that you deserve it

Many of us want a healthy and loving relationship, but, deep down, we don’t believe that we truly deserve it.  Or, we may even think that it’s not possible for us.  Unfortunately, this prevents us from making any kind of progress in getting that loving relationship.

So if you find yourself struggling to believe that you truly deserve it, make a commitment to reframing that mindset.

One way to do this is by saying affirmations.  Every morning or night you can spend some time standing in front of the mirror and stating out loud, “I deserve a healthy and loving relationship”.  Say this 10 times in the morning and 10 times at night for at least 30 days.  You may not notice the shifts right away, but over time you’ll notice a shift.

#3 – Ditch the checklist and, instead, connect with how you want to feel

We all hold expectations.  If you’re single and dating, it may be an expectation that the person you date has a nice car and isn’t working in retail.  If you’re in a relationship, the expectation may be that you want your guy to clean the dishes after he uses them.

When we get ourselves caught up in such expectations it’s like we are creating for ourselves an internal “checklist”.  We have a list in our minds of things that we want and “need” in order to be happy and fulfilled in the relationship.

Unfortunately, these “checklists” take us out of the experience.  It takes us out of what is happening in the moment in your relationship with this other person and, instead, focused on what the person is or isn’t doing.  It’s a way of rating or judging the moment, which blocks us from truly connecting with the other person and experiencing love.

So the key here is that rather than focus on the “checklist” or expectations, we must focus on how it is that we want to feel in the relationship.  Do you want to feel love in your relationship to this other person?  Joy?  Happiness?  A sense of calm?  A place of comfort in their presence?  How do you want to feel in being in the relationship?

When we focus on how it is that we want to feel rather than on the surface-level details, we can find that what we thought we needed, we don’t really “need” after all.  We realize that the “needs” were all arbitrary — and they weren’t helping us get what we truly wanted, which is love.  Rather, they blocked it.

So let go of your “checklist” of expectations and sit back and ask yourself: How do I want to feel?  And then connect to that feeling.  Feel it within your own being and carry it with you throughout the day.  And, eventually, your relationships will start to reflect your internal state.

Take action now!

In the comments below, share with me how you want to feel in your relationship.  Or, if you’re not in a relationship now, share with me how you desire to feel.

4 Things to Remember When You Want to Get Married, But It’s Not Happening

Back when I was in my early to mid-20s I was worried and concerned about getting married, but every attempt to create a stable, loving, and committed relationship turned into an utter failure.

Based on what I’ve learned, here are 4 things to remember when you want to get married, but it’s not happening:

#1 – You gotta focus on making yourself happy.

Be your own best friend.  Learn how to love your life whether there is a guy in your life or not.  The more joyful and loving that you are when alone with yourself, the better because others are going to recognize that energy that you are putting out. 

And trust me — being joyful, happy, and loving is a lot more attractive then being depressed, self-conscious, and anxious.  Just imagine what it’d be like going on a date with someone who is really depressed, self conscious and anxious.  Would you want to go out with them again?  Enough said.

#2 – Know that you deserve and are capable of having a loving relationship. 

We can be happy and joyful in our lives and with ourselves all we want, but if we don’t think that we deserve and are capable of having a loving and joyful relationship that can turn into a successful marriage then it’s not going to happen.  We have to really truly know and believe that we are worthy.

Doing this doesn’t have to be super complicated.  It can happen at any given moment that you choose to fully admit to yourself and the universe what it is that you truly desire and you choose to fully know you are worthy.  And, as a result, the universe can respond very quickly.

I know this very well from experience.  A few years ago I was traveling in Japan after spending several months suffering with the aftermath from a breakup.  I was working on being happy by myself but nothing new came along because I didn’t really believe I was ready for a new relationship.  I deeply believed that I’d screw any new relationship up.  I didn’t trust myself.

While walking around the Golden Pavillion (Kinkai-ju) in Kyoto I saw a section where you could buy candles for various different things and light them for a prayer.  These were all in English so I felt inclined to light one.  At first I rationalized and started telling myself to do one for world peace but my eyes kept going back to one that was for finding love. 

In that moment, finally admitted to myself and the universe my true desire and I knew that I deserved it.  I lit the candle and left — forgetting about it.

Later that day, upon trying to get to the airport, a storm came through that caused me to miss my flight.  I ended up meeting a man in this this stressful situation who helped me with language translations.   This man I ended up having a stable relationship with for about a year.

Which leads me to my next point…

#3 – Always be open to possibilities.

When we have this very specific picture of what it is that we want then we are not going to be open for all of the creative possibilities.  We may overlook or not even allow ourselves to see what is right in front of us. 

It’s okay to have some standards of what you want: Like someone who is honest, loyal, caring, and so on.  But if we’re going so far as to being very particular about how someone looks, their job, or where they grew up then we may be blocking ourselves from being with who we are truly mean to be with.

Also, I think it’s very important to remember that when I say “be open to possibilities” it’s not about letting go of the desire completely.  It’s not about shifting your thoughts in a way to be forcing yourself to be thinking, “I don’t want to get married” because that doesn’t leave you open to the potential of marriage ever.  It’s like going up to the universe and saying “I’m closing up shop” and the universe is thinking, “But, wait, I had all these customers lined up for you.  What gives?”

The key is to learn how to get into a neutral space of “I am happy and love my life no matter what happens”.  It’s about letting go of any concern or worry about the outcome and being open for all creative possibilities. That creates the foundation for a real change (or miracle) to occur, internally and, ultimately, externally.

FoundationForChange

Click to Tweet: When we let go of concerns about the outcome, we open ourselves to receive all the creative possibilities. via @jenilyn8705

#4 – Have faith. 

Trust that what is going to happen will happen.  Not all of us are meant to get married or have children by a certain age.   It’s also true that not all of us are meant to only be married once.  Things happen — it’s just the way life works out sometimes.

So trust and have faith that what comes to you is what is in your highest good.  You have you own individual lessons to learn in this life that is totally unique to you.  Nobody else shares those same specific lessons that you need to learn with you.  So trust, have faith, and follow the flow of your own intuition and inner guidance.

Take action now!

Let’s do #1: What can you start doing today to help yourself love your life more?  Share your thoughts in the comments below!

10 Myths About “Healthy” Relationships

As originally published on MindBodyGreen.

Each one of us carries ideas around about what a healthy relationship looks like or “should” look like. This typically comes from our upbringing, the relationships we see around us, and more. Yet these common beliefs about “healthy” relationships often create and reinforce stereotypes, many of which can do more harm than good.

While maintaining standards for what you want a “healthy relationship” to look like is a totally OK thing to do, many of these thoughts are just cultural myths that oversimplify issues most relationships inevitably face.

Identifying the relationship myths that we hold can be beneficial to the overall health and longevity of our relationships, as it frees us from making assumptions and helps us to live more in the present moment.

Here are 10 myths about so-called “healthy” relationships that many of us may have.

#1 – “Conflict means the relationship isn’t healthy.”

This is quite the opposite actually. The total absence of conflict in a relationship is more a red flag that problems are being repressed rather than discussed. By allowing conflicts to happen, both partners openly acknowledge and work through issues, which, by the way, are basically unavoidable in any relationship, romantic or not. In doing so, the relationship deepens and becomes stronger.

#2 – “We both have to have the same views on everything.”

Do we need to accommodate all of our partner’s needs 24/7 in order to be with them? Sure, but only to some degree. That is, we don’t have to agree or be on the same page about every single thing in order to have a healthy relationship.

Two people can have wildly different view points on things and still have a healthy relationship. After all, there are people in this world who have healthy relationships despite differing religious/spiritual views, cultural backgrounds, and political views. It boils down to a matter of both people accepting and respecting one another.

#3 – “A happy and fulfilling relationship requires having common interests.”

Though having some common interests can make it easier on what to do on a Saturday night date, it’s not an absolute deal breaker. What matters more is that there is a lively dynamic between you two, and one characterized by feelings of love and support.

#4 – “There is a certain criteria that all must follow in order to have a healthy relationship.”

This myth is the paramount myth: the mere idea that there is one ideal of a “healthy” relationship.

But when you think about it more carefully, doesn’t it seem obvious that there’s no “one size fits all” criteria? Everybody is different, and very complicated, so why shouldn’t our relationships be that way, too? Each of us has our own fears, desires, neuroses, needs, past experiences and more. That’s why we have to do what works for us and our particular relationship.

#5 – “As long as I really try to not do what my parents did, I will have a healthy relationship.”

The problem with heavily focusing on not doing what our parents did is this: We may end up trying so hard to not be like our parents that we end up causing other problems. So we must focus more on healing ourselves rather than to simply avoid doing what our parents did.

#6 – “There will always be romance.”

The romance may last a few years, but the truth is that it’s going to calm down at some point or another. It’s not something that is just going to always be there automatically.

#7 – “If I’m with the right person, I won’t have to really work that hard at it.”

Any one individual is incredibly complicated. So once you put two people together, everything becomes so much more so. I like to think that our relationships are assignments to help us grow and evolve. The challenges that come up during our relationships invite us to examine ourselves, and undergo some personal growth every single day.

RelationshipGrowth

Click to Tweet: The challenges that emerge in our relationships invite us to examine ourselves & undergo personal growth every day. via @jenilyn8705

#8 – “In order for this relationship to work, my partner must change.”

The reality is that we have no control over our partner or anyone else in our life. The only person that we have control over is ourselves.

#9 –  “Being in a healthy relationship means my partner is going to know my needs and meet them all the time.”

It is not anybody else’s responsibility to take care of you and your needs. Only you are responsible for that — just as your partner is responsible for their own needs as well.

#10 –  “All we need is love to make a marriage work.”

When it comes to marriage, there are a lot of things to deal with: finding a place to live, working with finances, deciding whether to have kids and, if so, deciding on how they are going to be raised.

Sure, love can be a motivator to get us to work through these things together but we can’t just say, “Oh, all we need is love” and brush the rest under the rug thinking it will just “work itself out.” All these factors need to be openly talked about and agreements need to be made.

What are some myths about healthy relationships that you can think of? Share them in the comments below!