Tag Archives: control

These 2 Steps in Forgiveness Will Help You Heal and Let Go For Good

Months back I was spending time with an old friend of mine.  We were hanging out with each other, catching up and just having an overall good time.

In the midst of spending time together, however, my friend had eventually said something that had really hurt me.  The words she said, the way she said it and the way she acted for the remainder of our time spent together left me offended, angry and sad.

In addition, as the night went on I had found that my old friend was following lifestyle choices that made me deeply concerned for her own well-being.

I had no idea what to say, how to say it, or even if I should say something.  And so, I kept my thoughts and feelings to myself for the duration of the time we spent together.

Days later when I was spending time with my boyfriend I told him everything.  What she said, what she was doing, and my own thoughts and feelings about the whole thing.

In response, he said, “Oh I’m sorry babe — that sucks”.

But some validation for my pain wasn’t enough for me to heal and let it go.  The pain still lingered.

I knew I needed to forgive, so I looked into my spiritual toolbox and pulled out prayer and meditation.  I started meditating and praying about it in asking for spirit to help me forgive.

I would do it for a few days and the second I felt some kind of “release” I thought I was “healed” so then I’d stop… only to find that a few days later those hurt feelings would arise again.

This cycle continued for weeks.  And since my hurt feelings were still there I’d talk to my boyfriend about it.  Words of “I can’t believe she said that” were on repeat.

And then one day in the midst of my boyfriend patiently listening to all of this, he eventually said, “Well, you can’t control her”.

I stopped and finally realized the cycle that I was really caught in:  I was caught up in a codependent cycle.

A very basic definition of codependency is when one tries to control another person in some way.  It can be seen through boundary violation either externally or internally.

This can come up externally in the wife of an alcoholic who wants her husband to stop drinking so badly that she tries to throw out all the alcohol in the house.  On the flip side, this can come up internally in a husband who doesn’t like his wife’s spending habits so he complains about her behavior all the time.  The first is a clear codependent behavior because there was an external action.  The second is not as obvious because it is internal, but the energy and feelings of wanting to control is still very present — and can still be felt by others.

Fortunately for me in this case, I wasn’t violating any boundaries externally, but the internal desire to control was certainly there — which was, truly, the reason for my deep struggle to let go and forgive.  I wasn’t fully recognizing the faults in my own behavior, so the prayer and meditation just wasn’t quite cutting it.

So how can we follow to forgive, heal, and let go for good?  Here are the two main steps:

#1 – You gotta recognize your own control patterns

Often when we’re struggling to forgive someone it’s because we wish that the other person would change in some way.  Maybe we want them to apologize to us, maybe we want them to reach out, or maybe we want them to change their lifestyle in some way so the relationship can “heal” and things can be back the way they used to be.

It doesn’t work like that.  People are not going to change on your terms.  They are going to change on their own terms.  And though it may be painful to watch sometimes, the most loving thing to do is to let go and allow the person to live, grow, and learn on their own.

PeopleChange

Click to Tweet: People are not going to change on your terms.  They are going to change on their own terms. via @jenilyn8705

#2 – Release it to spirit

Once we’ve been able to recognize our own control patterns, its effective to do some kind of prayer or meditation with the intention to forgive.  Maybe it’s a visualization meditation like my forgiveness meditation in my album Ignite Love from Within.  Or maybe it’s a simple prayer in saying something like:

Spirit of the highest truth and compassion, I’m struggling to forgive [Name] because of [situation].  I have recognized my wrongs in this.  I can see my desire to control and I know that it is no longer serving me or the relationship.  I surrender my control and my desire to forgive to you.  Heal [Name].  Heal me.  Thank you very much.  Amen.

You can tweek the words so that it most resonates with you, but doing some kind of act to surrender and release to spirit/the Universe in some way on a daily basis is what is going to help you truly heal and release your pain and resentments.

Take action now!

If you’re struggling to forgive someone right now, ask yourself: What is my control pattern in this situation?  How am I wanting to control the other person?  How am I controlling?  Share it in the comments below!

The Mindset Shift Required to Get What You Want in Life

For a few weeks I have noticed that a peer of mine was kind of going through a bit of a rough patch with her job.  She expressed her thoughts on being underpaid, given less hours than she thought she deserved, and, overall… well, just feeling downright undervalued.

As I heard this peer for her concerns many times towards me I began to notice other people in my life doing a similar things.  Someone expressing their frustrations to me about their phone company potentially overcharging them.  Another mad because of their roommate talking loudly on the phone late at night.  And then — on top of it all — I even saw myself frustrated over a couple things in my environment and expressing it to others as well.

When I sat back and reflected on the whole thing, I noticed that there was one common underlying thread amongst all of these situations: Each person was expressing their concerns, but not to people who could actually help them with the situation.  Nobody was being proactive in their stress and frustration.

Instead, everybody was doing the safest thing a person can ever do: Express their frustrations to people who can’t do anything about it.  Their friend.  Their partner.  Their family member.  When in reality the person needed to be talking to people who can help them and give them what they want: their boss, supervisor, cell phone company, roommate, or whoever.

We all get caught up in this way of being at some point or another during various periods of our lives.  We are stressed and frustrated about something and rather than confront the issue head-on with the people who can help us with the issue, we talk to everybody else in our lives about it.

Now, don’t get me wrong — sometimes we do need to process our experience with other people who aren’t involved.  However, the problem is that by talking with other people about the issue rather than those involved, it is very disempowering.  It’s almost as if the more people we express our frustrations with, then the more we drain our energy and the energy of those around us.

When we avoid confronting the issue head-on it’s like we are are subconsciously telling ourselves (and the universe), “I’m not powerful.  I’m not capable.  I’m not worthy.  My concerns, thoughts and feelings don’t matter, so I’m going to talk to many other people about it rather than confront the issue at the source so I can make changes in my life.”

Doing this makes us feel out of control, weak and powerless — the exact opposite of what we commonly desire.

So how can we get what we want in our lives?  What is the mindset shift that we have to make?

It is to consciously choose to take personal responsibility for ourselves in every single situation.

Taking personal responsibility involves acknowledging and accepting our own unique experience and acting accordingly to our experience.  To be willing to face the world head-on and say, “I am powerful and I deserve to have what I desire.”

IAmPowerful

Click to Tweet: I am powerful and I deserve to have what I desire @jenilyn8705.

So if we are unhappy at work, then we properly communicate to our boss or supervisor.  If we are unhappy with a contract that we have made with that company, then we properly communicate with that company.  If we are unhappy with a roommate, then we voice our concerns directly to that person.  Not to a co-worker or your neighbor who can’t do anything about your situation… but a clear communication with the people there is a problem with.

To take personal responsibility also involves making decisions that are in our best interests.  So if a certain job or relationship that we are in is no longer working despite our efforts at open communication, then we know that we always have the option to leave or do something different.

We all always have a choice.  We all always have decisions to make.  To know that we always have endless opportunities available to us is part of living truly empowered.

You are in control of your own life.  You always have been and always will be.  So what can you do today to feel like you are more in control of you life?  What can you do today to take more personal responsibility for your life?  Share it in the comments below!