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Category Archives: Healing + Letting Go

5 Steps To Forgiveness

Forgiveness.  It is one of those things that can sound so challenging and difficult to do, yet not doing it can be detrimental our growth and overall well-being.  When we don’t forgive and hold on to bitter resentments, we can find ourselves feeling stressed, miserable, angry, or sad for years after an event happened.

Maybe it’s that ex boyfriend who seemed to always take more from you then give.  Or maybe it’s that friend who rarely told the truth.  Or — maybe — the person you’re struggling to forgive is yourself — for doing something that hurt someone else.

Regardless of who it is that we need to forgive, the act of forgiving is equally beneficial.  When we forgive, we free ourselves and others from the binds of pain and hurt and open ourselves to true healing and love.  Through the power of forgiveness, we open ourselves to the a new way of being, which allows us to attract and create more loving relationships in our lives.

Here are the 5 steps to forgiveness:

#1 – Identify why you have been struggling to forgive.

Have you been making yourself the victim?  Have you been putting the other person up on a pedestal?  Have you been putting yourself down?  Have you been putting yourself up on a pedestal?  Have you been feeling guilty for the things that had happened in a past relationship?  Have you been blaming the other person?

#2 – Be willing to forgive.

Though we often see forgiveness as a challenging task to do, the reality is that, really, the most important thing that we need to do is to be willing to forgive.  When there is a willingness for a change to occur then it is much more likely to happen.  If we are holding on to our past hurts and unwilling to forgive for whatever reason, then we will continue to find ourselves stuck in a place of suffering.

#3 – Release it.

Once you have identified why you struggle to forgive and have a willingness to forgive, the only thing you have to do is to simply let it go — just like that popular song from “Frozen”.  Release it to the universe.

#4 – Trust that healing will occur.

Once we release it, we may find ourselves going into a bit of a panic in our minds.  We may start having thoughts of “What if this doesn’t work?” “How is this going to work?” or “But I don’t feel any different!”  These are merely fear-based thoughts created from our ego, which is the cause of our struggle to experience happiness, joy and love to begin with.  So trust and have faith that a shift will happen.

#5 – Be open for healing.

Once we are in a place of trusting that a shift in our perception will happen, we must be open to receive.  What I mean by this is to be an observer.  Pay close attention to the things that come up for you in your day to day life.  Make note of the people you see, the things that people say, the songs you hear on the radio, the ideas that pop up in your mind, how you feel emotionally throughout your day and so on.  By being an observer of ourselves and our own experience, we are able to be aware when healing does occur.

So if you are in place where you need to forgive someone or yourself, go through these steps.  These guidelines are not meant to be a “do it one time only and everything changes”.  Rather, it’s something that we may need to do every day or a couple times a day for several days or a week or so before we can begin to notice ourselves feeling lighter, happier, and more free.

Be committed to this process of forgiveness. It is by being committed that we will be able to truly forgive and create relationships and a life filled with love.

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Click to Tweet: Being committed to practicing forgiveness is key to creating relationships and a life filled with love. via @jenilyn8705

Take action now!

In the comments below, we’re going to do Step #1.  So, share why you have been struggling to forgive either someone or yourself.

How to Let Go of Trying to Fix the Relationship When He Doesn’t

I used to be, what I like to call, a “Little Miss Fix-It”.

Whenever there were problems with the guy I was dating at the time, I always tried to just “fix” everything on my own.  I’d try to find some neat and easy way that would fix the problem and put us back together again.

Needless to say, this method didn’t really work too well.  In fact, it seemed that whenever it got to the point where I would try to “fix” problems, the relationship was already going down hill.

I just couldn’t figure out how to keep these relationships together — and I was so incredibly sad and — honestly — ashamed about that.  Why was I always the only one who really tried to work things out?  Why was I always the one putting work and effort into relationship issues but the guy rarely reciprocated?  All I ever wanted was to find peace, be together, and, simply, love each other as we had both wanted to.  Why did it always have to be so difficult?

This was a very difficult place to be in and, because of it, I would find myself struggling to really let go, heal, and move on.  I would feel like there was no closure.  And it was as if that lack of closure was continuing to keep me stuck in this place of sadness, heartbreak, and disappointment.

Fortunately, we don’t have to be stuck in this state of sadness and feeling a lack of closure for months or years post-breakup.  If we allow ourselves to be open to healing, letting go is very possible.  Here’s how:

#1 – Be really honest with yourself.

Was the relationship really that good?  Was he really that good to you?  Was he really that supportive?  Is it really realistic that you won’t be able to find anyone better?

Sometimes after we breakup with someone — or even while we are dating someone — we can tend to put them up “on a pedestal”.  In other words, our minds can kind of imagine them to be better than they really are.

So be completely honest with yourself — and here’s a little hint: If he wasn’t willing to work out problems with you, then he probably wasn’t going to be that good for you in the long-term anyway.  Sure, there were good times, but it’s how two people work through problems together that really defines the strength and stability of the relationship.

#2 – Accept your reality.

We can recognize the reality for what it is all we want, but if we are not willing to fully accept that as the reality then we are going to continue to struggle.

So there are a number of things we may need to really focus on accepting: how they treated us, how they acted during conflicts, how supportive they were, and so on.  We may also need to accept the reality that we have broken up and that this person does not want to work things out.

#3 – Make the intention to let it go.

Once you have been completely honest with yourself and chosen to accept your reality, just let it go.  This can be easier said than done, but when we make a strong intention to do so then it can happen.

To clarify, letting go does not necessarily mean that all of the heartbreak is going to magically go away overnight.  However, making the intention to let go will give you the opportunity to heal.

So once you have recognized and accepted the reality about this relationship, take a moment to set the intention for yourself to let go.  You can do this simply by stating out loud, “[NAME] I release you” or you could make the statement and then do some kind of action like light a candle then meditate for a couple minutes.

Another alternative would be to write a letter to the person or a letter reflecting on your relationship with that person.  In doing this, even though you may not have had the opportunity to say a verbal “goodbye”, you are giving yourself the chance to give the person a goodbye energetically.

And you know what?  That person may feel the “goodbye” and release even more that way than if you were to ever say it in person anyway.

#4 – Trust and have faith.

Even after we have let go of a past love, we can still be dealing with a series of painful emotions.  Be easy on yourself.  Trust and have faith that you will heal and things will get better.

#5 – Make you your #1 priority.

Probably the most crucial step out of all of this is to focus on taking care of you.  What do you do to take care of yourself on a regular basis?  Do you meditate?  Do you eat healthy?  Do you exercise?  What activities do you do that you love to do?  Are you sleeping well?

If you are not doing these things already, look into how you can start doing these things for yourself.  Be dedicated to becoming the master of your own self care.  Post-breakup is the absolute most crucial time to be your own best friend.

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Click to Tweet: Post-breakup is the most crucial time to be your own best friend. So be dedicated in becoming the master of self-care. via @jenilyn8705

Take action now!

If you’ve recently gone through a breakup, how have you not been completely honest with yourself about your ex?  What are some realities that you need to accept?  Share your thoughts in the comments below!

The Truth About Being “Too Busy”

Back when I was a kid, I remember hearing adults always saying the words: “I’m too busy”.

“I can’t exercise because I’m too busy… I can’t go on vacation because I’m too busy… I can’t read that book because I’m too busy… I can’t work full time because I’m too busy,” I would hear them say.

As a pre-teen, I found this to be quite odd because, in my own observation, none of these adults were really that horribly busy.  I mean, they were spending at least 3 hours a night watching TV shows, watching movies, shopping for things that aren’t really necessities, reading novels, and checking and sending chain e-mails.  I knew plenty of other people who were more busy then they were and who were, in fact, doing all of those things that these adults proclaimed they were “too busy” for.

Of course, in this decade of the 2010’s, this has shifted a bit from the 90s.  Adults now spend more time surfing the web for hours, watching youtube videos, or doing things on their cell phone: texting, facebook-ing, tweeting, instagram-ing, timehop-ing, candy crush-ing, and so on.  Though we are more connected now than we have ever been, that same old habit of saying, “I’m too busy” is still very prevalent.

As adults, we have all, at some point or another, made this excuse in various ways and in various kinds of situations.

“I don’t have time to exercise…”

“I don’t have time to go to therapy…”

“I don’t have time to try out this diet…”

Though it is true that life as an adult requires many more demands and responsibilities, there’s a difference between actually “not having time” and “not trying to even make time”.

For many of us, when we are faced with an opportunity to change something about our lives or improve ourselves in some way, rather than to say, “Okay, I’ll make time” we experience inner resistance.  That inner resistance then surfaces by making a comment like “I don’t have time”.

This inner resistance can be rooted in a number of different causes.  Some of these causes include (but are not limited t0):

A limiting belief about how we generally don’t have time for anything other than work.

A fear of experiencing change because that means that we may have to feel a bit uncomfortable and have to change habits.

Denial of our issue that may need change. For example: We have a health problem, but we don’t want to change our diet to fix it because then we have to face the reality about our health problem.

A limiting belief that seeking out help is “weak”.

A fear of failure.

A fear that we may “not be good enough” if we try.

A limiting belief that “we are not worthy”.

A limiting belief that others matter more than we do or that we don’t “deserve” it, but others do.

And more!

We all have these kind of limiting beliefs and fears.  We can’t fully create change in our lives until we choose to face the fears and limiting beliefs that we have.

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Click to Tweet: We can’t fully create change in our lives until we choose to face the fears and limiting beliefs that we have. via @jenilyn8705

So how can we begin to do that and finally let go of the “I’m too busy” excuse so we can create happier and healthier lives for ourselves?  Here are 3 steps:

#1 – Recognize that you are experiencing an inner resistance.

The most vital key is to be able to recognize within yourself that you are experiencing a resistance.  This can be hard for many of us because we are caught up in the whole habit of saying things like “I’m too busy” and don’t think twice about what we say or do.

So take the time to pause for a moment and reflect on what you have been saying and doing.  Are you resisting change in your life in some way?  How so?

#2 – Ask yourself, “What beliefs or fears are causing this resistance?”

Do you fear change?  Are you in denial that change is needed?  Do you fear that you will fail or that you’re “not good enough”?  Get out a journal and write down whatever you think and feel may be going on for you internally to cause this inner resistance.

#3 – Find the time, then act!

Once you have recognized your inner resistance and identified your limiting beliefs and fears, find the time in your schedule to actually do the thing you’ve been putting off and take action!

Then once you act, continue to check in with yourself and notice what feelings come up for you.  What kind of mind-chatter is going on in your head?  Is it that now that you have started exercising you keep having thoughts of “I look ridiculous doing this!”?  Have you decided to take up painting but now that you are acting you notice all these thoughts of “I’m not good enough for this — I’m going to mess up!”?

Just simply recognize what thoughts come up for you, but don’t attach to them.  Don’t focus on them or give these thoughts any of your time and attention.  Simply recognize them, let them pass by in your mind, and continue taking action!

What is something that you always make the excuse “I’m too busy” for?  Share it in the comments below!

6 Signs It May Be Time to Breakup With Your Friend

In my experience, I’ve learned that friendships can have a natural tendency to go into different stages.  At one moment you’re both super close and telling each other everything, but then a few years later you just chat and see each other once in a great while.

There are many reasons for these changes in the friendship dynamics… one getting married while the other is still single, one taking on a totally different career path from the other, one having children while the other has no children, and so on.

Even though these changes can be upsetting for one or both people, it is a natural and healthy change in the friendship.  We are all growing and evolving as individuals, so what we may have been interested in before may not be what we are interested in now.

However, putting all of that aside, there are a few moments in life where a breakup with a friend may be in order.  When we find ourselves questioning whether we need to breakup with a friend, it can be very difficult decision to make.  So here I have outlined 5 signs where it may be time to breakup with your friend:

#1 – They’re critical of you.

Do they criticize the way you dress?  Do they put you down for not doing something “perfect”?  That being said, do they talk badly about you to other people?

#2 – They seem to want to “compete” with you rather than support.

Do they make comments to you that highlight how they “did that better”?  Did they manage to accomplish something but then put you down for not doing the same?  Do they try to take up your interests or hobbies in a way to try to “beat you” in some way?

#3 – They’re users.

Are they always asking you to do them a favor?  Do they owe you quite a bit of money but keep making excuses to not pay you back?  Are they always coming to you looking for help but they are never there for you when you need help?

#4 – They try to make moves on your partner — or they start dating your ex without discussing it with you first.

Actions like this are a reflection of how much they truly value your friendship.

#5 – They lie to you — a lot.

A few little lies is one thing, but when there are many it can really negatively effect the genuineness of the friendship.  If you are the type of person that values honesty, vulnerability and creating depth in your relationships then having a friend that chronically lies isn’t going to support you in that.

#6 – They don’t really support you.

When you are going through a difficult time, are they there for you?  Do they provide you with a good listening ear?  Do they support you in your goals?  Do they “cheer you on” in your endeavors and ask you how you’ve been doing?

Finally, ask yourself the following questions: Why am I friends with this person?  What do I gain by being friends with this person?  What do I enjoy when being friends with this person?

If you can’t really answer those questions and a few or all of these 6 signs are true for you, then a legitimate breakup may be in order.

Ultimately, remember this:  Our friendships are a reflection of who we are.  As we are growing and evolving as human beings we may realize that some aspect of ourselves is no longer serving us.  As a result, we may find ourselves needing to let friends go as well.  It may involve creating some distance to give ourselves space to grow or it may involve needing to set boundaries for ourselves and “breaking up” with that friend.  Either way, both are a natural aspect to our growth.

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Click to Tweet: Our friendships are a reflection of who we are. via @jenilyn8705

In the comments below, share if you have ever had to breakup with a friend.  What was the cause?  What happened?  What did you learn from it?  How has it impacted your life?

Feeling Depressed? 5 Ways to Take Care of Yourself

Depression.  Though we likely won’t admit it, it is one of those things that most of us have dealt with at some point in our lives at either a mild or high severity.  For some of us it has only lasted for a few months.  For others, it has been a struggle for years.

Regardless how long we have struggled with depression, it can still feel like a long, difficult and hopeless journey.

Though proper treatment can vary a lot depending on each individual’s unique situation, there are some general things that we can all try to help our depression.  Here are 5 things to consider doing:

Exercise!

A while back someone told me that whenever she went to her doctor with a problem her doctor always asked, “Are you exercising?”  If she responded, “No” then he told her to exercise for the next 30 days and if there weren’t any changes then come back.

Based on personal experience, I have often found this to be true.  The second I have gotten myself into a solid exercise routine I have always, eventually, felt better.

Part of the reason for this is because when we are depressed, our life force energy is low and being repressed.  In yoga, this is referred to as our “prana”.  In Chinese medicine and marital arts, it is called “chi”.  And so, if we do exercises like yoga, tai chi, aikido, or whatever we prefer, then we are giving ourselves the opportunity for our own inner life force energy to rise back up to a normal and healthy state once again.

Start doing things that energize you.

Though it may be difficult to find things that you find exciting and energizing when you’re depressed, doing these kind of activities will help bring you back up.  If you’ve loved dancing in the past, then start taking dance classes.  If you loved singing, then sing again.  If traveling energizes you, then find a way to take a trip somewhere.

Though I haven’t necessarily read any sources to validate this, I personally believe from my own experience that doing things that really light up our soul also helps to raise our life force energy.  It gives us the opportunity to really get connected with that zest and love for life that is buried deep within us.

Get enough sleep.

Often if we are depressed, anxious, or stressed out one of the biggest culprits is a lack of sleep.  Generally, we all want to be shooting for 8 hours of sleep per night — regardless of age.  If we are sleeping less or more than that then we tend to be increasing our chances of having some kind of problem.

So one of the things that I like to do to help wind down from the day is to turn off all electronics at the very least 1 hour before bedtime (preferably 2).  I also avoid any talking on the phone.

Reading or writing before bed can help a lot to wind down.  You may also want to consider doing some kind of meditation or breathing exercise.  One of my personal favorites to wind down is to take deep inhale while counting to 5 and then exhale while counting to 8.

Another favorite of mine is to focus on which nostril is being the dominant nostril on my inbreathes and then switching the dominant nostril.  So for example, if I notice my right nostril is the more dominant one, I then draw my focus on the left nostril and try to consciously (without touching it) allow it to be the more dominant nostril.

Feed your body well.

When we are eating foods that are lacking the nutrients that our body truly needs then we can very easily become depressed.  So ask yourself, “What am I eating?  How often do I eat fruits and vegetables?  How often do I eat leafy greens?  How many processed foods do I eat in a day or week?”

Consider cutting back (or completely eliminating) processed foods.  Instead, shoot for eating more fruits, vegetables and whole grains.  Be mindful and aware of your sugar intake.  Also, try to drink more water.  About a half gallon a day of water should do the trick.

Connect with others.

One of the reasons that many of us get depressed is by simply spending too much time alone.  We are social creatures, so connecting to other human beings is important to our overall health.

So go out with a friend or a few friends, depending on your preference.  Join a Meetup groups in your area that focuses on a hobby or interest of yours.  Join a book club.

You may also want to consider finding a therapist to support you on your journey.  Depression is tough and everyone deserves emotional support when struggling, so don’t be afraid to reach out and find help.  Many therapists will work on a sliding scale if requested and if one isn’t able to take you, then they will have others to direct you to.  If you don’t think that personal therapy is right for you for whatever reason, then different organizations do offer group therapy at a fraction of the cost.

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Take action now!

If you’ve been feeling kind of “down in the dumps” lately, then reflect on the list above.  Are any of these things something that you haven’t been doing for yourself lately?  How can you start integrating that into your life more?  Share your thoughts in the comments below!

3 Things to Remember When You’ve Been Screwed Over

At some point in our lives, in some way or another, we have all been screwed over by someone else.  Maybe it was by an ex or a friend.  Maybe it was by a colleague or classmate.  Maybe it was even by a family member or a roommate.

Regardless of your relationship to the person, being screwed over by someone can really, well, suck.  We have placed our trust in this person and, somehow, they have let us down.  They have done the thing that we didn’t think they would’ve done.  As a result, we feel hurt, angry, and, overall, betrayed.

Dealing with these emotions aren’t always the easiest thing.  We can find ourselves caught up in these emotional responses — and so, as a result, we unable to think clearly about the reality of our situation.  So here are things to remember when you’ve been screwed over by someone:

Revenge may not always be the best option.

When these types of things happen, it is likely that we may feel the urge to “get back at” the person in some way.  This may be by telling anyone and everyone about how this person hurt you in hopes that “what goes around, comes around”.  This may also involve doing other things a bit more strategically in order to get back at them in some way.

The problem is that, in doing this, many times (not always, but many times) we are actually dragging ourselves down to their level.  In trying to get back at them, we aren’t necessarily making ourselves “the bigger person” in the situation.  And, as a result, it is also likely that we are just wearing ourselves out with all the stress we are giving ourselves in the process of it all.

Often times the best thing that we can do is to simply let it go and trust that the universe (through the process of karma) will take care of it.  Know and trust that everyone will ultimately get what they deserve — including you!   Remember that! 😉

The only person who you really have control over is yourself.

Another thing that we may try to do when we’ve been screwed over by someone else is to try and control the entire situation ourselves.  Maybe we may try to talk to them in hopes to try to force them to change a decision they had made or just really try to get this other person to see and understand our side of things.

Though I can 100% relate to this, the unfortunate reality is that we really can’t control the other person.  The only person is this world who we really have control over is ourselves.  Which leads me to saying that the reality is that…

The let downs shows us how we can improve so it doesn’t happen again.

When we’ve  been screwed over we can find ourselves wishing we could turn back the clock and do things in a different way so that we somehow could have avoided being screwed over all together.  Maybe it involved saying “No” to a request earlier in the relationship or asking the person more questions before making an agreement.

Even though being screwed over does certainly suck, the benefit is that it does teach us how to be stronger in the future.  It teaches us how we can better cover our bases in our future relationships (of any and all kinds).  It helps us to better refine our boundaries of what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not willing to tolerate.  It also helps us know all the right questions that we need to ask and things we need to talk about with the other person so that all the things we need to know are out in the open.

And, finally, it does also teach us about forgiveness.  It reinforces the teaching that people do not always know how much they have really truly hurt us — and that goes for both others and ourselves.  Rarely do any of us really truly fully know how much we have hurt other people in our lives.

Because of this truth, it is vital to forgive — both ourselves and others — for not knowing better.

VitaltoForgive

Take action now!

Take a moment right now to reflect on someone who has screwed you over.  This may have been recently or several months or years ago.  Based on the list above in the article, which of the 3 things do you most need to remember in order to heal from this let down?

Do you still find yourself wanting revenge and you need to let go of it?  Do you still find yourself wanting to control this person to change their mind?  Are you struggling to really accept how you can change yourself so this doesn’t happen in the future?  Share it in the comments below!

How to Heal from a Toxic Relationship

A toxic relationship can be one of the most emotionally-taxing things that we can experience.  They can leave us feeling drained, angry, worrisome, and, of course, stressed.

Because a toxic relationship can feel so incredibly overwhelming and confusing emotionally, there are times when we can feel as if there is no way that we will ever be able to not be emotionally effected by the person’s toxic behavior.  We may feel like there is no way that we can ever really truly heal.

Here are steps that we need to take in order to help ourselves heal from a toxic relationship.

Set your boundary.

When a person exhibits toxic behavior we can find ourselves confused about what it is that we need.  This is because because the person has used emotional manipulation and guilt in an attempt to make you feel like you’re feelings, needs, and thoughts are wrong so they can get what they want.

So the key here is to recognize when the other person is being toxic and to set a clear boundary when that happens by saying something like, “Don’t talk to me like that” or “I don’t appreciate your comment”.  It is also good to follow up that statement with a comment like “If you don’t stop then I will leave”.

Most of the time if you’re in a truly toxic relationship, then the person is probably not going to accept and respect your boundary.  So it is very important to be very firm and to really follow through with what you will say you will do if the person doesn’t stop.

Create distance.

Regardless of whether the person is really respecting the boundaries you set with them or not, I feel it is vital to create at least some distance.  In creating distance you will give yourself the opportunity to fully focus on and deal with your own stuff — which is something you can’t really do when in a toxic relationship.

Commit to focusing on taking care of you.

Make your own self-care a daily commitment.  Start every day with a meditation or prayer.  Go for a daily walk out in nature.  Do yoga.  Go for a run or do some other kind of cardio.  Eat more fruits and veggies and less processed foods.

It is also important to start a practice of regularly checking in with your body.  Before you sit down to eat a meal or when you notice that you are stressed, stop and focus on your body and ask yourself “How does my body feel?”  Because of the fight or flight response, our body reacts when we experience anger, worry, and general stress.

The more and more we take the time to stop and tune in and ask ourselves how our body feels, then the easier it is to calm down and find peace.

Seek out support.

Because toxic relationships can be so emotionally draining, it’s very important to find some support system when learning how to cope.  Find a therapist or coach who specializes in relationships and boundaries.  Find a therapy group with other people going through a similar thing.  If you are on a budget, attend a CODA (Codependent’s Anonymous) meeting, as they are only donation-based.

You can also seek out friends who can empathize and help you through the process.  Just be mindful about falling into the whole “blaming game” trap when with friends because it happens very easily.  Remember to own your own experience and take personal responsibility for what happens to you in your life.

healtoxicrelationships

Take action now!

Out of the four steps that I listed above, which one do you most need to focus on doing right now?  Do you need to learn how to set boundaries?  Do you need to create distance?  Do you need to focus more on your own self-care?  Do you need to find a support system?  Share it in the comments below!

4 Things to Keep in Mind When Healing After Divorce or Breakup

When a relationship comes to an end, it can be a very difficult time emotionally.  The period of healing after divorce or a breakup can feel equally as stressful as the divorce or breakup itself was.

We may find ourselves nostalgic over what once was and wishing for those moments to be back.  We may catch ourselves feeling even more resentful towards our ex.  We may also find ourselves replaying the beginning of the end of our relationship in our minds and continuously analyzing again and again how we could’ve done things differently.

But it doesn’t have to be a long, dragged out, and terrible process.  There are some key concepts that are beneficial to keep in mind so that we can avoid falling subject to a lot of extra stress and despair that are only going to make things worse then better.  Here are 4 things to keep in mind when healing after divorce or a breakup:

Healing takes time and patience.

It may take us weeks, months, or even years to fully recover and heal.  And, for some of us, we never really do feel like we have fully healed.

Regardless of the time it takes for us, it is all perfectly normal.  Everyone has their own unique process that happens in their own unique way on their own unique time.  So be compassionate with yourself.  Give yourself the time and space to cry it out whenever you need to and heal.

Analyzing and replaying what happened over and over again in your mind isn’t going to help or change anything.

For many of us,we can go through a variety of stages in focusing on the past.  We rethink all the things we didn’t like about our ex.  We rethink all the things we loved about our ex and miss about them.  We rethink all the things that we wish we would’ve said and done instead of what we did.

Even though this is our tendency, it’s not a very healthy route.  It’s just our minds (or ego) trying to remain attached to suffering.  It’s keeping us out of the present.  When we rethink these things over and over in our minds it can really wear us down physically because our body then thinks that we’re experiencing the same thing over and over again.

So try to catch yourself if you fall into the habit of re-analyzing what happened and draw your attention back to what is going on for you right now.

Forgiveness is huge.

And I don’t just mean forgiveness towards the ex, but also towards ourselves.  We have to put forth the effort to forgive and forgive often — whether we are going through a breakup or not.  We have to focus on forgiving constantly.

In relation to my previous point about replaying the past, whenever you do find your mind going into a “replay”, stop, be present, and then say out loud, “[Name], I forgive you” and then go ahead and say “I forgive myself” as well.

Even if you don’t fully mean it 100% every time that you do it, just the act of putting forth consistent effort is enough to help begin some shifts.

No relationship ever fully ends — it just changes form.

When we go through a divorce or breakup, we find ourselves upset over what we have lost.  We are upset because what we had in the past we no longer have now and that our dreams for the future are now completely gone.

But, it’s reassuring to know that no relationship — at any time — ever really fully ends.  Rather it only changes form.

So even though you are no longer married to your husband, it doesn’t mean that you no longer have a relationship with him.  It just means that you are no longer married.  Just as if you are no longer talking with your ex boyfriend, it doesn’t mean that you no longer have a relationship with him.  It just means that you are no longer communicating.

Even when someone passes away, it doesn’t mean that the relationship has ended.  The relationship simply continues to live on in a different form, where it is a bit more of a spiritual connection rather than a physical connection as it was.

The relationship doesn’t end because it has, at one time, existed and, therefore, it continues to impact how you live your life.  Remember that movie that you never watched until your ex came around?  Or that meal that your ex introduced to you and now you find yourself eating it all the time?  It’s just like that.

That’s how your ex continues to impact you and forever will.  For that reason, they never really do completely leave your heart .  When you come to accept the new state of the relationship in this way, this is when some true peace and healing can occur.

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Click to Tweet: No relationship ever truly “ends” — it simply changes form. via @jenilyn8705

Take action now!

Take a moment right now to forgive your ex.  Sit back, close your eyes, and say out loud, “[Name], I forgive you”.  Then also say “I forgive myself for not knowing better” or “I forgive myself for ______” and add in whatever it is you are struggling to forgive yourself with.

Now, give yourself some kind of “treat” in order to express the love and acceptance you have of yourself.  Ask yourself: What would be beneficial to me right now to make me feel better?  Check in with your body and what you feel it needs.  Maybe it’s some simple stretching.  Maybe involves putting on some music you love and dancing.  Maybe it’s scheduling a time for a massage or manicure.  Maybe it’s simply taking a walk by a nearby lake or reading a good book with a cup of coffee.

It doesn’t have to be complicated.  In fact, the simpler the better!  Now go ahead and do that some time today.  

In the comments below, share how you are healing after divorce or a breakup.  What is most challenging for you?  Then share one of the four things that I listed above that you feel you need to personally focus on more than the others.

3 Things to Remember When You’re Trying to Fix Your Breakup

Breakups are rough. Trust me, I’ve been through plenty of them. Some are easier than others, but they still hurt.

When breakups happen we have the tendency to go into a mode where we obsess over all of our mistakes and wish that we would’ve done things differently.

We start thinking of all the things:

“I shouldn’t have said…”

“I shouldn’t have done…”

“I should have…”

“I wish I…”

Thought after thought after thought – all wishing that we could change the past in some way in a hope that our present situation is what it isn’t. We just with that somehow we could fix everything and our relationship could be back the way it was.

Though obsessing and focusing on all the “should haves” is a normal stage of the grief that we have to allow ourselves to go through, we have to be mindful about going too far with it. Meaning: Are you obsessing so much that you’re trying to control everything in your current situation?

Are you trying to force your ex to talk to you? Are you trying to force yourself to forgive? Are you trying to force the two of you to “figure things out” just so you can go back to dating again?

Admittedly, I’ve probably been one of the worst possible people at this. I’m a total recovering Ms. Fix-it. It was very hard for me in the past to simply accept the breakup for what it was and let go from a place of love and respect for the other person.

Though it can be extremely difficult to fully heal from heartbreak, there are things that we can keep in mind that help us release this urge to try to fix our broken relationship.

Regardless of what “technically” happened – it’s still not completely your fault and it’s not completely their fault either.

Typically when we start feeling the urge to control and fix our broken relationship its because we are beating ourselves up. It’s because we’re thinking in our heads “I messed this up, I’m not good enough, and I need to change”.

While its true that we do have areas where we need to grow and become better, its never completely our fault. After all, it takes two to tango. The other person’s imperfections certainly didn’t make things any easier.

That being said, its also good to keep in mind that its never fully the other person’s fault either. So we want to avoid the urge to point the finger at the other person as well. It’s both people together that create conflicts.

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Click to Tweet: A breakup is never one person’s fault. So be easy on yourself — AND your partner. @jenilyn8705

Focus on your own well-being.

When we have most of our energy focused on trying to fix our breakup, we completely forget to focus on one of the most important things of all: ourselves. Try to take time to rest, eat, and talk to a loved one. Allow yourself to grieve and process what you’re going through.

There’s always other fish in the sea.

For years I cringed every time someone would say these words to me, but now I actually find joy in the truth of it. There is so many potential lessons and experiences out there in the dating world.

Trouble, however, is that we can never fully see our possibilities if we are too focused on what we have lost. Sure, allow yourself to grieve – your soul deserves the time to do that – but be mindful about focusing too much on what you have lost. You don’t want to end up in a rut and miss out on noticing the gold that’s in front of you.

Take our a sheet of paper or a journal and write a letter to your ex.  All the things you enjoyed about the person and the things you will miss.  Write down the lessons you’ve learned by being with this person.  Allow this time of writing to be a way of really honoring the relationship that you had with this person.  But don’t actually send it!

Now, on a separate sheet of paper write down all the not-so-great things about being in a relationship with this person.  Try to be mindful about not going on a tangent over how terrible the person was — keep it reasonable.  Focus on the things that you can do, learn, and experience now that you are not with this person.  Imagine the possibilities.

5 Ways to Master the Art of Letting Go

We’ve all had to let go of things at some point or another. Whether it be a pet, friend, boyfriend, or simply graduating high school. We are constantly ending chapters in order to start new chapters.

Though age and experience can make it a little easier to let go and move forward, completely letting go and allowing ourselves to heal and look to the future with optimism and excitement can be difficult to achieve. Our tendency can be to focus on “what used to be” and idealistically hold on to the past as if it had everything we ever wanted.

The problem with this, however, is that it ultimately causes more suffering. It doesn’t encourage growth and it doesn’t help us move forward. We have to learn how to find a balance between grieving as we need to and focusing on where we are now and what we want to have that we couldn’t before. Here are 4 ways to help you master the art of letting go:

Pay tribute.

We can do this in a number of different ways depending on your own personal preference. You can write down your thoughts and feelings about this in a journal. If you are trying to let go of a person (either with a breakup or the person’s passing), you can write them a letter sharing all the things that you valued about the relationship and then you can either send it or keep it for yourself. If the person or pet has passed, you could create a little ritual out of it by leaving the letter in a place that reminds you of that person. You could also create a photo album or scrapbook to help yourself continue to cherish those memories. Though I personally am more about pictures and albums than scrapbooks, I do find them to be a nice way to “organize our pieces of the past” into one activity so then we can shift the focus of our energy on the present.

Cry when you need to.

Know that it’s okay to grieve.   If a thought or memory comes up when you’re grocery shopping then let it out. If it happens in the shower, then let it out. Don’t try to hold it in or force yourself to cry cause you think you should. Just let it happen naturally. Your body and soul knows when it needs to grieve… trust that it will come up when it needs to. And allow it to come out when you feel it come up rather than whether it is “socially appropriate”. Focus on what YOU need rather than whether it will “make other people uncomfortable”. Take care of yourself – be your own emotionally nurturing mother in this way. That being said…

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Focus on what YOU need – NOT what others THINK “you need”.

Don’t push yourself to go bowling with a bunch of people just because someone told you you need to. Don’t listen to what other people “think you need” but rather listen to what you KNOW you need. If you feel that you just need a night to watch movies by yourself or with a close friend then do that. If you feel up for going out and being in a large group then do that. But don’t do it just because someone else told you you should. Do it because you really feel that you need it right now. That being said, if you feel that others are pushing you to do something or if they are making you feel like a “victim” more than giving you the support you need, then kindly tell them to back off. It’s OKAY to say something like, “I know you’re trying to help because you care about me, but I really need _________ right now instead.”

Focus on what you are gaining.

When one door closes another door opens. Whether it be the end of a relationship, job, or the unfortunate passing of someone close to you, there IS always another door that opens. Focus on the opportunities that you have. What can I know create for myself in my relationships or career? Where can I move? What can I do that I haven’t done before? Focus on the possibilities. Dream big. Start to write yourself a bucket list or vision board and begin to make plans to make that a reality.

Remember that tomorrow is another day.

Life is a journey and even though one day may be very difficult for you, know that with each new day brings the opportunity for a completely new experience.  Start each new day fresh and looking forward to all the new opportunities.

 

Remember: If it is the end of a relationship or the passing of someone close to you, chances are there will always be a small part of you deep within your soul that will always grieve because you miss them. This is OKAY! The trick here is to not focus heavily on it. Give yourself space to cry when it comes up but after you let it all out then go back to focus on the present and creating the life of your dreams. After you let it out, do something that you love to do – dance, play music, go for a run, do crafts, write… simply, enjoy life!

 

Master the art of letting go today!

What do you need today to help yourself “let go” of something you’ve lost or something that has ended? Do you need to pay tribute in some way? Do you feel the need to simply take a moment to cry? Do you need to start a new activity for yourself? Do you need to go out with some friends?

 

Share some of your thoughts below!