Yoga was finished and it was time to get to work. I sit down at my desk to begin.
You’ve been procrastinating all day, a voice in my mind says, You should already have this done by now!
I can feel the tension in my neck crawling down my back. My breath is shallow.
I take a deep breath and stretch my arms over my head thinking, believing and hoping that will release the tension.
I feel a little better, so I put my arms down and start to focus on work.
You haven’t done shit today, the voice continues, you woke up, ate breakfast, did yoga and that’s it. You’re pathetic.
I then open the document of my project and start getting to work.
This shit is terrible. What makes you think that’s good enough? Work harder!
I look back over what I had written down. Rereading it from the top. Maybe if I word it this way it could be better somehow? Or maybe I can add a little bit more here.
Nobody is going to like that shit. It’s not good enough. You’re not good enough.
My neck became even more tense and I suddenly found myself debilitated. Completely unable to work. Completely unable to focus.
I get up to walk around feeling “off” and not sure what more I needed to do to get past this critical inner voice that’s loaded in fear. I did yoga, I meditated, I’ve moved around like a billion frigging times already… what more needs to happen to kick this thing?
I stop trying to fight it so I make myself a smoothie and pop in my earbuds to listen to a lecture by my mentor Gabby Bernstein. I had heard this lecture several times before but maybe, someway, somehow I was going to hear something that would help me get out of this funk.
A half hour later and the first recorded lecture was over.
See now you just wasted another 30 minutes when you could be working, the voice says.
Oh just shut up already, I think back to it as my neck tenses up and I hit the play button on the next 30 minute talk.
She’s not even talking about what you’re dealing with right now, the voice says.
This time I ignore it and continue to keep listening to the talk.
About mid-way through the talk Gabby mentioned that before she does a talk she will say a prayer asking for the highest spirit of truth and compassion to speak through her talk. She said that in doing this, it helps her get out of her fear-based ego and back into love.
Upon hearing that, I quickly say that prayer for myself in my mind. I start to notice my neck muscles starting to relax, my jaw not quite as tight, and I feel much more calm and centered.
I paused the talk and then I had a thought, Jen, you were trying to fight the block. You were trying to fight the fear, but that doesn’t work because you were fighting fear with fear in your mind. You can’t push fear away. Fear can only truly dissipate when you love it, because love is what heals.
There are so many times where coaches, writers, and teachers talk about how we need to be fearless.
“Bust through the blocks”
“Overcome your fear”
On the surface the words can seem to be implying that fear is bad and that we must abolish it. However, by holding onto the idea that we have to abolish fear in itself can make us even more stuck. It can create a war of fear-based dialogue inside our minds.
You’re not good enough.
Oh go away.
Nobody is going to want to read that.
Leave me alone!
What we need to do instead is to recognize the fear-based thoughts and give it love. Notice the thought and let it be. Don’t attach to it or respond. Just let it be.
If it comes up again wanting more attention, just give it some love. Pray for it. Tell it that you love it.